What If Your ‘Dragon Age’ Romance Happened In Real Life?
Game developer Bioware is known for having well-designed relationship systems, intergalactic and beyond. The effort put into the storylines, dialogue, actions and consequences of such for each companion and romance option is incredible, allowing players to experience romance on a personal level.
And honestly, romancing an NPC can be better than trying to woo someone IRL. You’re guaranteed a swoon-worthy kiss, tension so thick you’ll need a sword to cut through it, and the classic trope of one saving the other in a moment of crisis. It’s fantasy and we love it.
Despite these characters being written by us, their behaviour doesn’t necessarily translate into normal behaviour in the modern dating world.
So what exactly is it about these companions that would make them dating material in 2019? Would you pick them out in the lineup for Bachelor in Paradise? Maybe you’d go on a romantic walk along the beach, lie down on the sand, snuggle up and wow, this is basically alternate universe fanfiction.
To find out this invaluable information, I’ve decided to unearth my great love for Bioware’s Dragon Age series to give you my (almost) completely unbiased rankings of some romance options across all three games. It’s out of nugs – a ten means you should straight up marry them. 1? Send them to the Fade.
Dorian – 9.5/10 nugs
Maybe it’s the moustache or maybe it’s the flirtatious banter you share, but Dorian is an all-around fun guy to be near. Exclusively into the company of men, he’s the European boyfriend you dream about meeting on exchange and actually making things work. He’s honest, charming and makes wise-arse jokes that will bring a smile to your face no matter what.
He always looks good, perhaps a little too good, especially when he takes you to parties and everyone looks him up down. He will definitely make you feel like you’re punching, but will only have eyes for you.
Sometimes, his sass can come across as snarky, and he’s quite hot-tempered in a fight, but hopefully, your makeups are better than your conflicts.
Cullen – 9/10 nugs
This cinnamon roll is the one you ladies settle down with (he’s hella straight). After seeing that cute dog on his Tinder profile pic that Leliana and Josephine created for him, you should swipe right.
He’s sweet, super awkward when you flirt with him, and incredibly hardworking. His work ethic does mean he’s quite distant at times, but he’s a good egg who will buy you flowers and take you for walks through the park. Also that stubble – please!
My only red flag is he pours a lot of energy into you. It’s like he’s trying to take the focus off him when you’re on a date, asking you questions rather than answering them. You gotta take care of yourself, boo.
The Iron Bull – 8.5/10 nugs
This pansexual hunk is the one you successfully hook up with from the cool bar your friends took you to, and now you want round two. It’s not just the curve of his butt or his biceps; it’s the fact he’s super considerate of your needs and boundaries in the bedroom. Ropes might be involved, but he’ll explain everything and give you a better sex education on BDSM than Fifty Shades of Grey ever could.
He’s an easygoing bloke who will probably have side pieces, but if you commit, he has a big heart and will tie himself to you. He’ll organise your holidays and encourage you to try new cuisines and activities. You might even skydive.
However, he’s quite stubborn when it comes to his beliefs and finds it hard to compromise. I’d still tap that though.
Cassandra – 7.5/10 nugs
Her jawline could cut you to pieces and you’d say thanks. You honestly would. Don’t be intimidated by her, gentlemen. Cassandra is actually a romantic at heart; poetry, roses, romance novels, the works. If you’re looking to sweep someone off their feet, she’s your gal. A candlelit dinner, a glass of mulled wine, slow kisses on the couch. She’ll devote herself to you and yell at anyone who tries to hurt you.
However, her protectiveness can lean towards extreme and she’s set in her ways, so arguing with her is always heated and draining.
Alistair – 6/10 nugs
Wine and cheese dates will be commonplace when you ladies date this white breadstick because he can’t cook to save his life (that’s not so bad though, right?). He’s a homebody who doesn’t like venturing too far out of his comfort zone. He’s a geek at heart, loves playing board games, and can’t dance to a tune.
He might be a little vanilla, but he’s a sweetie and wants you to be happy. He gives you small gifts on random days and leaves you Post-It notes with motivational quotes when you’re down.
He can be pig-headed and ignorant, so educating him will happen a lot. Definitely the little spoon.
Morrigan – 5/10 nugs
Morrigan is Maeve from Sex Education. She’s a force of nature, a woman who knows what she wants and will take it if she can. She’s here for a good time, not a long time. She’ll bone you in the car park then go see a movie with her friends. If you bring her flowers, she’ll rip the petals off one by one.
She’s the girl you can’t seem to catch and she’ll be the love affair you remember when you’re 60 and rummaging through old photos. I wouldn’t piss her off though; she’ll definitely hex you and you’ll probably never see your dick again.
Fenris – 3/10 nugs
This boy needs to sort his stuff out. I would swipe left and leave him be. His idea of a date is sitting at home drinking whisky and watching YouTube videos on medieval crafting. He will ghost you after saying he had the best sex of his life with you because he ain’t ready to commit. He might be a broody, mysterious boy, but sometimes you gotta leave them in their new adult romance plots and move on.
I know he’s hot. I know his voice will literally make you rub your legs together. But thank you, next.
Solas – 1/10 nugs
Trust. Me. There’s a reason why this egghead is at the bottom of my list. I know he’s that hot teacher you would bone for an A and more. While he’s charming, intelligent and will debate with you for hours on end, he will also simply lecture you when you’re not even in his classes. He considers being holed up in a dusty library reading about ancient civilisations a date (and while I personally don’t think that’s bad, it’s still basic af).
He’ll also give you a shit mark anyway despite saying how amazing you are. I don’t stan.
Special mention: Zevran. This cheeky guy will show you a good time and only continue doing so if you want to. Also that accent – it kills me.
Sofia Casanova is a Sydney-based writer, editor and blogger with an enthusiasm for books, games and dark chocolate. You can tweet her at @sofiaecasanova.