Dog Pants Actually Exist Now And They’re An Affront To Decent Dog-Loving Citizens Everywhere
SCIENCE HAS GONE TOO FAR.
A couple of weeks ago, the internet briefly convulsed over a hypothetical question: how would dogs wear pants? Would they wear them just over their back legs and butt, like little dog jeans, or would they prefer some kind of modified four-leg number?
Countless outlets picked the story up and ran with it, mostly because it was the holiday season and there was bugger-all else happening. It was a weird time.
— Jared Keller (@jaredbkeller) December 29, 2015
It was inane and pointless, but because we were speaking purely in hypotheticals, ultimately it was a bit of harmless fun. As it turns out though, some reckless fools in Canada have taken that idea and brought it, terrifyingly, into reality.
Come, and gaze upon the zenith of human hubris.
Science has gone too far.
Muddy Mutts, the company behind these abominations, claims that the dog pants they’re peddling are “an essential piece of outdoor clothing,” much in the same way that bottled water is “essential” for people who don’t mind paying a 4000 percent markup on something that is widely available for free.
“Imagine returning from a walk and being able to leave the mud and dirt at the door, instead of having it dragged through your home,” the Muddy Mutts website proclaims like some door-to-door snake oil shyster. “Protect your floors and carpet, (not to mention your couch, bed or even the dog’s bed), from the grit and sand which naturally attaches itself to your dog’s legs.”
Okay. Firstly, if you think a slip of canvas is going to stop a stir-crazy dog from getting mud all up in its everywhere, you’ve clearly mistaken dogs for some lesser animal, like a cat. So that’s your first error. Go back to school.
Second, if you think you want a dog, and you’re not prepared to accept the possibility of that dog getting wet and muddy on a semi-regular basis, then you shouldn’t get a dog. Dogs like getting all mangy and gross. It’s in the Dog Constitution! Denying a dog that joy is like getting mad at them for wagging their tail, or staring at you endlessly when you’re eating.
Never forget.
The site’s overflowing with glowing testimonials from owners rapt at the fabric shackles they’ve imprisoned their dogs in, but the dogs themselves tell a different story: not a single dog has testified as to the effectiveness or otherwise of these so-called “dog pants”. Their silence is deafening.
It’s only when you begin to scroll through the attendant pictures of dogs trapped in their “pants” that you see the true misery these creations are wreaking.
“Please, release me from this torment.”
“This demeans both of us.”
“Hello darkness, my old friend.”
The evidence is clear: “dog pants” are an affront to the natural order, and every right-thinking citizen must do their utmost to combat this menace. If you see a dog in pants, remain calm and call the authorities. A rapid-response team will be on the scene immediately to release the dog from its private hell and escort the owner to jail, where they belong. Be the change you want to see in the world.