Today The Royal Family allowed Madam Tussauds to take the crystal gowns and fur hats off their wax figures and dress them up in Christmas jumpers instead. This was for charity and presumably, to trick a post-Brexit proletariat into not overthrowing them and setting their mansion on fire.

By allowing the museum to put Christmas jumpers on their wax figures, The Royal Family are demonstrating that they are just like you and me*. They too have torsos, also require jumpers. Some people might have thought this was actually a candid shot of The Royal Family, except that their wax figures are far more relatable than their flesh figures could ever be.

*Important note: when you are a royal and you don’t want to do something, you can just get your wax figure to do it. If you look closely, the Queen actually sent her wax figure to Charles and Diana’s wedding and got away with it, because TV cameras weren’t that good in 1981 and people at the event probably thought she had been hanging out with Elton John and was just coked out or something.

Anyway, it doesn’t really matter if you can tell the difference between the real Royal Family and the wax one, but if you can you automatically become a knight, which is the Commonwealth’s highest honour below ‘is good at cricket’.

My point is, no-one can really tell the difference.

A Close Reading Of The Evocative Vanity Fair Cover Of The Queen And Her Corgis

Even though these figures are made out of wax, they’re probably not actually that dissimilar to the real life royals who notoriously suppress all their emotions, which is why in almost every photo they’re all desperately clutching their hands and holding their breath until people stop looking at them.

This is why I feel pretty comfortable in deciphering what each member of The Royal Family are thinking, particularly because I did psychology in Year 12 and therefore know everything there is to know about the human brain.

Let’s do this.

The Queen

COKED OUT. Just kidding, this is just her face. Wax figure Queen is barely tolerating this whole situation and is thinking about all the things she’d rather be doing like… sitting quietly? I don’t know what any of them do, and I’ve seen The Queen several times. Get mad at Tony Blair?

She is wearing a corgi jumper, because personal brand strong.

William And Kate

I’m sorry, if you’re wearing one jumper then you only get one analysis, I don’t make the rules.

I used to think that William and Kate were okay, but now that I’ve seen them share a single jumper I see that they are the worst people on the entire planet. William and Kate always leave the drinks early. William and Kate never want to share meals and always insist that everyone gets their own. William and Kate always pay with card. William and Kate call instead of text because it’s more convenient for them. William and Kate always hog the aux cord. William and Kate use read receipts.

What are they even doing with their middle arms, fuck these people honestly.

Prince Phillip

Who? Just kidding I finished The Crown last week, this dude is a nightmare.

Prince Charles

Prince Charles always looks like he’s attempting to hide a terrible truth. If I ever get sued for defamation, it’ll be because I take every opportunity I can to discuss why I think Prince Charles is an extremely shady guy even though I having nothing at all to back up this claim.

When I go to court, when Prince Charles sues me for defamation, I will probably just say to the jury, “Look at his FACE”, and then they will, and will immediately see that I’m right and I’ll get off without a fine. This is why I’m not scared about the consequences of my slander. Justice is on my side.

Camilla

She’s just happy to be involved, fam.

Prince Harry

Prince Harry seems to find most situations amusing, and in terms of hair he is the coolest royal in this picture. He is objectively the best royal despite dressing up as a Nazi that one time, because these are the low standards we are working with here.

He’s probably happy that the girl from Suits is still going out with him, I would be.

The Corgis

(Initially I only analysed one corgi which I now recognise was entirely corgi racist, I’m so sorry.)

This corgi is thirsty for attention and wants to own the moment, if this corgi was an album it would be Lady Gaga’s 2008 masterpiece, The Fame.

The corgi was of so little interest to the photographer that they didn’t even bother photographing his whole face.

This corgi is a staunch monarchist and thinks that without them, the country will go to the metaphorical dogs.

Someone check on this corgi.