A Close Reading Of The Evocative Vanity Fair Cover Of The Queen And Her Corgis
If you want to read an imagined conversation between corgis, then you have come to the right place.
A little while ago Vanity Fair, a publication that runs entirely on stories about the sex scandals of powerful Wall Street brokers and the sex scandals of the Kennedy family, announced that it would dedicate an issue to Queen Elizabeth II, on account of it being her 90th birthday this year. Fair enough! That’s quite an achievement. The Queen is older than talkies!
The issue, which includes portraits shot by Annie Leibovitz, has been teased for some time (remember the photos of her bored looking, Children of the Corn grandkids?) but now the cover has finally been released. And boy, is it something!
A new photograph of Her Majesty at home at Windsor Castle will feature in @VanityFair in celebration of #Queenat90 pic.twitter.com/Qz4aC4WXDG
— The Royal Family (@RoyalFamily) May 31, 2016
Let’s ignore the bizarre and richly evocative title for a second, unless you would like to spend some time contemplating the “inner majesty” of Her Highness The Queen. Besides the Queen’s innards, the best thing about this Vanity Fair cover is the Queen’s pet corgis, regal animals with nonsense legs and nonsense ears that are so out of proportion that they look like digital re-imaginings of bad fan art.
What are these corgis thinking? Can their corgi brains digest the fact that they’re about to be sky-rocketed to fame? What I would give to be able to tap into their little corgi thoughts and figure out what is running though their minds.
There is something going on here, DO NOT TELL ME THERE ISN’T SOMETHING GOING ON HERE.
Okay, first let’s meet these small corgis properly. First up is Happy. Happy is a secure dog with a balanced temperament, perhaps because he is so obviously the Queen’s favourite and only he may sit beside her on a lovely blanket.
This is Happy.
Next up, is Chill Dawg. Chill Dawg is the relaxed corgi in the crew, and is always up for a good time. Chill Dawg tries not to get caught up in palace politics, but like all of us he is but a plastic bag floating in the harsh winds of the dying planet, powerless and impotent, as the fates look upon us and laugh.
This is Chill Dawg.
Now meet Curious Ben. Curious Ben thinks deeply and profoundly about the world around him, and cannot stop his mind contemplating the great complexities of the universe, the universe of both the corgi and the two-legged corgi (or, human).
This is Curious Ben.
Lastly, this is Achlys the corgi, a corgi named after the god of misery and sadness. Achlys resents the privilege he has been afforded while other corgis around the world suffer. He cannot make heads or tiny tails of the mismanagement of wealth and the inequality of all species on the planet. This plagues him like Atlas, who is condemned to hold the weight of the world on his shoulders. He is the hungriest corgi.
This is Achlys.
I think we can all agree that at the moment this photo was taken, these four corgis were having one hell of a conversation. Luckily I can speak corgi ESP, here is their conversation:
Achlys: Okay, let’s talk about British imperialism.
Curious Ben: No, never talk about that.
Achlys: Excuse me, but I think we need to talk about serious issues if we’re going to be representing the monarchy on the international stage, so let’s talk about imperialism and suffering.
Chill Dawg: Guys, let’s all just chill.
Happy: I am on a blanket.
Achlys: Do you ever feel bad that we call it GREAT Britain, I mean why is it so great, we’re all going to die anyway.
Happy: Why does this big corgi hold me tightly on the sides.
Achlys: Do you ever think about how all these pink flowers in the garden will die, pink flowers are a metaphor for corgis.
Curious Ben: What is that in the sky.
—
Image via Twitter.