Clive Palmer Vows To Rebuild Relations With The Reptile Kingdom After A Crocodile Bit A Guy On His Golf Course

Mining billionaire and Confusing Man Clive Palmer has plenty of enemies — the Liberal Party, environmentalists, the concept of subtlety — but it’s one of his longtime allies who’s been giving him grief in recent days. Relations between Palmer and the reptile class (comprising mainly of snakes, crocodiles, lizards and other scaly creatures) have historically been quite rosy; Palmer’s dinosaur resort/theme park in Queensland has long been a kind of diplomatic waystation between the human and reptile kingdoms, a place where man and scaly gross thing can put aside their differences and co-exist as equals.

That all changed one fateful day in March when Jeff the T-Rex, the centrepiece of Palmer’s dinosaur collection, tragically lost his life in a fire. We will never forget you, Jeff. You were too good for this imperfect world.

Since that bleak day, the once-famous friendship between Clive and all reptiles everywhere has been on the rocks; perhaps they blame him for Jeff’s death, by neglect or design. Who can say? It is not for us to know the minds of big lizards.

But few could have anticipated things would turn to violence as they so sadly did yesterday, when a 1.2-metre crocodile attacked a patron on one of Clive’s golf courses. The man was taken to hospital with only minor injuries, but it seemed less of an organised attack than a declaration of intent; a kind of reptilian Pearl Harbour. Things seemed grim.

Thankfully, if there’s one thing Clive Palmer is known for, it’s being cool-headed and rational in the heat of the moment. Clive swiftly and decisively moved to prevent the situation from getting further out of hand, urging people not to trespass on agreed-upon reptile boundaries. “I’d advise people not to step on crocodiles,” he told reporters after the incident. “I suppose you can understand how it would respond to having someone step on its back.” Wise words.

Palmer then went further; the crocodile in question has been removed from Palmer’s golf course, but as an overture of peace Clive broke with longstanding tradition and chose not to devour the offender to absorb his power, having the beast humanely moved instead. He then announced a series of measures to placate both humans and reptiles, preventing the outbreak of further hostilities and restoring calm to a volatile and unpredictable situation.

I would like to wish the well-known local man who was attacked by a crocodile in Port Douglas this afternoon a speedy recovery.

— Clive Palmer (@CliveFPalmer) April 13, 2015

Crocodile has been removed from all menus at Palmer properties following today’s incident with a member of our Port Douglas Golf Course

— Clive Palmer (@CliveFPalmer) April 13, 2015

“Eating crocodile is a violent event against them and should be stopped,” Palmer said. Truly, a great leader. Perhaps, under his leadership, man and reptile can regain the trust that has been lost, and look towards the future together.