Christian Clowns Are Here To Spread The Word, Haunt Your Every Nightmare

Just in case you managed to get through your childhood without developing coulrophobia, the fear of clowns, evangelical Christians and middle-aged people who wear doll’s clothes and whiteface have combined to develop the most terrifying form of preaching to date: Clowns for Christ.

A division of the Boardman United Methodist Church in Ohio, Clowns for Christ are spreading the word of our lord Jesus Christ, through clowning. They make balloon animals, recite the “jellybean prayer” and have a “cute skit for the lost sheep”, says Judy Zyvith aka Flowers, in an interview with Vindy.

The clowns — Flowers, Bubba, Love and Strawberry — are part of a new service at the church: Contemporary Combined Classic, which mixes the traditional and contemporary components of Christianity, Flowers said.

Flowers told Vindy that dressing as a clown adds frivolity to the service and that the costumes “break down barriers…you can do anything in a clown costume”.

Clowns for Christ isn’t an isolated case; YouTube has a host of “Christian Clown” videos. In what has to be the most disappointing party act ever, Christian clowns Junkyard and a nameless lady who likes like an obese version of Christmas get kids all excited about the contents of a mystery box containing “the greatest gift of all” — is it ice cream, puppies, an autographed Troy Aikman Dallas Cowboys football? – before revealing an empty box that unfolds into a felt crucifix. Why couldn’t we just get Cowboy Dan?

Christian clowns have actually been haunting your dreams since the 1970s. The Life in Christ circus, “founded on a history of the art of clowning in the American Circus and a deep theology of the Cross of Jesus Christ”, was established in 1977 by Dr. Dick Harvey in Florida. A credo for the clowns, set out on their website, ranges from the practical — “clowns open people to the bible” — to the creepy: “clowns play hide and peek”.

One of the more unsettling instructional videos, “How to be a Christian clown”, lightly touches on the fact that large groups of clowns are petrifying: “two clowns together are really great. If you attempt to make visits with three or four you might outnumber the person so much that they feel uneasy”. There’s also an unfortunate part when the narrator, who is an old white man, says: “if they’re in need of touch, you touch them”.

Sweet dreams!