Culture

Why Is Chasing After A Ping-Pong Ball So Damn Humiliating? An Investigation

This frivolous ball has brought me low.

by Michelle Rennex  26 November 2020
chasing after ping pong ball

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There are few feelings in life that are just so universally embarrassing.

Everyone watching you run for a bus only to miss it, your umbrella losing the fight against strong winds and flipping inside out, and that strange feeling when walking back to your seat after bowling, are all ones that instantly spring to mind.

But there is one moment more humiliating, more awkward, more mortifying than any other, and that’s running after a ping-pong ball.

There is truly no worse feeling than chasing after a ping-pong ball.

Not only do you have to face the shame of losing the game because you didn’t have the minimal amount of skill or hand-eye coordination to hit a little plastic ball, but now you have to deal with everyone watching you crawl around as it bounces away.

Worse still, is when the ball lands under the table and you have to get on all fours, like a damn animal, as you search for the demon ball.

I’m convinced that regardless of who you are, and how impressive you may be in every other aspect of normal, everyday life, you suck ass at catching a ping-pong ball. But don’t feel bad. There’s literally no cool way to catch a ping pong ball. It’s humanly impossible.

Even when it’s a game of beer pong, which is infinitely cooler than the table top racket game, it still sucks. No matter how drunk you are, you still feel the full brunt of shame as you schlepp around looking for that tiny piece of plastic that’s bounced into some random corner of the room.

That shame gets even worse when you try your hardest to look cool by giving the ball a little kick or tap with your paddle in the hopes that it lands in an easier spot to grab, then the ping-pong ball goes flying further across the room.

But it’s not like you can just play it off by letting the ball bounce away until it stops, either. Thanks to the unmatched bounciness of a ping-pong ball, by the time it stops, seven weeks have elapsed and you’ve ruined the friendly game of table tennis.

Plus, as everyone universally hates the feeling of chasing after ping-pong balls, it’s not like anyone offers to help either.

There are no designated ball girls or ball boys like the sport of tennis has. And as a one-man team, all it takes is you running after it a smidge too fast, or applying a little too much pressure when you pick it up, for the ping-pong ball to cave in on itself rendering it useless. Then all your left with is countless smooshed ping-pong balls in random corners of the room and a massive feeling of shame thanks to your failure at catching it.

There truly is no winning.

So that’s it y’all. Ping-pong is cancelled.