Charlie Sheen Does Not Seem To Be Doing Okay
Has anyone checked in on Charlie Sheen lately? Have we been paying enough attention? What’s he doing with that hunting knife?
With all the quality celebrity meltdowns on display this year – Amanda Bynes setting the whole of Twitter and that one lady’s driveway on fire, Shia LaBeouf plagiarising everything in sight – you may have forgotten about Charlie Sheen.
But Charlie Sheen has not forgotten about you.
It’s been a rough couple of months for the immortal God-like wizard, made worse by the fact that we’ve been completely ignoring him.
Christmas is a time to reconnect with those who are truly important to us. So let’s check in on Charlie Sheen’s Twitter.
He Has A Hunting Knife And A Fun-Sized Thing Of Tabasco And He’s Not Afraid To Use Them
Sheen’s ongoing feud with ex-wife #DuhNeese Richards escalated this week, when she refused to let him come on a family Christmas vacation.
His response was to chop up this baseball bat souvenir from their wedding and arrange the pieces in a somewhat threatening manner, posted with a threatening …poem?
Maybe the miniature thing of Tabasco has personal significance for Charlie and #DuhNeese, or maybe he just really likes Tabasco because it cools his tiger blood. Does anyone else have a craving for chili fries right now?
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He Calls Forth The Judgement Of Almighty God On The Duck Dynasty Guy
Duck Dynasty’s Phil Robertson made an absolute prick of himself last week with an anti-gay tirade in a GQ interview.
Charlie Sheen is right on the case and is not letting go, writing menacing poems and quoting scripture.
That link leads to this essay:
And then of course, this:
Because the best way to fight religious insanity is with more religious insanity.
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Don’t Even Get Him Started On The Department Of Children And Family Services
Sheen’s other ex-wife, Brooke Mueller, recently lost custody of their twin boys. If you really want to, you can read the sad tale here, but suffice to say it starts with the words ‘crack binge’ and doesn’t end well.
Sheen himself can’t take them, because he posts pictures like the one with the knife and the baseball bat. At this point, it looks like Denise Richards might be taking the boys on for the holidays, even though they’re prone to attacking her and her pets.
At this point, Sheen is reduced to attacking the DCFS through the medium of Twitter acrostics. The Dungeness crab reference might be due to the fact that it’s a bottom feeder. Or maybe the secret to understanding Charlie Sheen’s Twitter is that he mostly updates it at lunch time.
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He Doesn’t Quite Grasp The Concept Of Obamacare
To be fair, nobody does — including Obama.
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But At Least He’s Maintaining Good Oral Hygiene
Winners look after their teeth and gums.