Culture

Cadbury UK Have Messed With The Creme Egg Recipe, And People Are Plotting A Revolution

IS NOTHING SACRED ANYMORE?

by Meg Watson  13 January 2015

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This year, the holiday where we all come together and celebrate the ressurection of our lord and saviour Jesus Christ the fact that it’s now socially acceptable to cram Cadbury Creme Eggs into your face until sugary ectoplasm seeps from your nose, is all but ruined for millions. Mondelez International, the parent corporation that manufacture these makeshift orgasms in the form of a chicken embryo, have today announced that the chocolate shell will henceforth be made with “standard, traditional Cadbury milk chocolate” and not Dairy Milk.

IS NOTHING SACRED ANYMORE?

In an “eggsculsive” story — which, in a stroke of maniacal sugar-fuelled genius, has been titled ‘Scheme Eggs’ — The Sun make a point of naming the company as American and accuse them of secretly changing the recipe to dupe UK consumers into eating cheaper-tasting chocolate. I’m sure they then go on to make a good case for that view, but I refuse to give a newspaper that still makes a point of publishing soft-porn my details in order to get a membership. The story has since been followed up by other outlets where Mondelez representatives have made comment.

“The Creme Egg had never been called Cadbury’s Dairy Milk Creme Egg,” a spokesperson told The Guardian. “We have never played on the fact that Dairy Milk was used.”

Despite the fact this change will actually not affect the product in the US at all, the New York-based journalist writing that report then goes on to denounce the new Creme Egg as “disgusting, foul, [and] vomit-inducing”, “Frankenstein’s monster”, and a tragedy equally as profound as separating Romeo from Juliet. In response to the announcement, the prestigious media outlet then published an actual guide to staging “a chocolate revolution”.

Of course, this desperate time has seen social media packed full of the piteous cries of the UK’s afflicted citizenry. The hashtag #cremeegggate is being flooded with outrage on Twitter, a page called Save the Creme Egg is gaining numbers on Facebook, and there’s already a Change.org petition because of course there is.

This then got even worse when people realised the packaging has also changed. In the UK, Creme Eggs are now sold in packs of five rather than six but are still being marketed at the same price.

We’ve reached out to Mondelez International for comment on whether this will affect Creme Eggs in Australia, but they’re understandably busy right now trying to wrangle their social media feeds while quietly containing their hyperventilated weeping.

Sources seem to be indicating that we’re in the clear and our eggs will thankfully go unchanged, but while we wait for official confirmation, here’s a disturbingly pornographic GIF of a Creme Egg to calm your nerves.

Never change, bb <3 :””(

–

UPDATE (14/12/15):

MOTHER OF GOD, THEY’VE CHANGED.

Sarah Gale, the Director of Mondelez’s PR agency AMPR, got back to me late yesterday afternoon with the news that “there will be a slight change to the recipe of the 39g creme egg in Australia however it will still include Cadbury milk chocolate”.

Translation: we’re just as fucked as the UK.

“The fundamentals of the Cadbury Creme Egg remain exactly the same – delicious milk chocolate and the unique crème centre that consumers love,” said a Cadbury spokesperson. “We have always used a range of milk chocolate blends for different products, depending on their shape or consistency. Cadbury Creme Egg now uses a standard, traditional Cadbury milk chocolate for its shell.”

You hear that? “Slight change.” “Standard, traditional Cadbury milk chocolate.”

THE END IS NIGH.