We Have A Unique Opportunity To Convince The Cast Of ‘Big Brother’ That The World Has Ended

We’re living in a time of unprecedented crisis. The populace is scared, every industry is affected, and there’s no end in sight. This is going to get a lot worse before it gets better and we simply do not know how bad things will become.

But that doesn’t mean we can’t have a little fun along the way.

This brings me to Big Brother.

You may have already seen the headlines from German Big Brother where contestants do not know about COVID-19 and will be told about it in a live television event. Horrific, exploitative and immoral? Perhaps. But good television? Undeniable.

It’s oddly reminiscent of the old Vonnegut line, “If you die horribly on television, you will not have died in vain. You will have entertained us.”

Closer to home, at this very moment, our own Big Brother cast are currently filming and have already been told about the current crisis. That’s an understandable decision if short-sighted and boringly humane.

But it presents us with an incredible opportunity for the best season ever.

We must convince the Big Brother Australia cast that the world has ended.

One of my favourite headlines about the Corona Virus in Germany is how the participants of Big Brother have no idea what’s going on. They moved in on February 6 and haven’t had access to any news since then. And nobody is allowed to tell them.

— Conrad Barwa (@ConradkBarwa) March 14, 2020

The Best Season Of Big Brother Ever

Those with an active conscience might recoil at the thought but it is truly at the heart of what Big Brother is supposed to be all about.

Remember, this started as a social experiment. It’s very name comes from a dystopia. We would simply be embracing the core ethos of the Big Brother experiment: collect weirdos, treat them terribly, watch for fun!

Currently, we have contestants who know about the existence of the virus but not its severity nor the latest news. This is to our advantage.

The first few days should operate as normal and then, perhaps, Big Brother develops a slight sniffle and an occasional cough but it’s business as usual.

As the first eviction nominations are scheduled, this turns into a brutal hacking cough and then, suddenly, silence. As eviction day approaches, no one inside the house has heard from anyone in days.

The door to the Rewards Room suddenly flies open but there’s nothing there except maybe the severed hand of an intern.

Sure, this isn’t a symptom but they don’t know that.

In Canada, a new season of Big Brother started 2 weeks ago. The contestants have no clue about the severity of the Coronavirus pandemic. When someone is voted out of the show, they come out to a studio with no audience.

Contestants talk about it then production shuts them down. pic.twitter.com/hixPc4KEf9

— C.J. Prince (@cj_prin) March 15, 2020

Eviction Day

Then comes eviction day.

This part will take some organising. Ideally, it would go as follows: the door finally opens from the Big Brother house and the corridors are empty.

Confused, the group stumbles out into the warehouse, only to find empty seats, blank screens, and perhaps a spot of blood on the walls.

As they push on, Dreamworld is completely empty, the roller coasters abandoned, a Tweety-bird costume lies on the pavement, torn to shreds.

Tell me you aren’t a little curious what happens next.

We would still have all of our favourite

staples but with slight tweaks, like instead of the least popular housemate being evicted they’re simply killed and eaten by the surviving team.

Then, when there’s only one person left, wandering a forgotten world, long since a victim to madness, they’re greeted by Sonia Kruger who informs them they’ve won a hundred thousand dollars and will spend the next decade hosting breakfast shows on commercial radio.

they're telling the big brother Germany contestants about the coronavirus tonight, they've had no idea. but it said nothing about stopping the show so are they gonna have to like vote for who they wanna throw out into a fucking pandemic

— minister for shiftin' (@bicketss) March 17, 2020

Whether this is taken as a great relief or they envy the dead really depends on the winning contestant.

Let’s be clear: using people like this is not moral or justifiable in any way. But that’s what reality television is all about.

We have an entertainment industry shutdown and these are the drastic measures necessary to keep the content flowing. Yes, it’s cruel, unusual and impractically elaborate but so was Up Late with Hotdogs.

At least this show will be entertaining.

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