Please Enjoy The Absolute Festiest Pieces Of Fictional Sex Writing Of 2018

Looking for a really bad time? British literary magazine Literary Review announced the winner of its annual Bad Sex in Fiction Award for 2018. There were some real contenders this year, with a list of finalists comprised entirely of male writers (I am Jack’s complete lack of surprise).

But only one can wear the bad bone crown, and this year’s title was awarded to Katerina by American writer James Frey.

“James Frey prevailed against a strong all-male shortlist by virtue of the sheer number and length of dubious erotic passages in his book,” said the judges in a statement. “The multiple scenes of sustained fantasy in Katerina could have won Frey the award many times over.”

I’m hard and deep inside her fucking her on the bathroom sink her tight little black dress still on her thong on the floor my pants at my knees our eyes locked, our hearts and souls and bodies locked. Cum inside me.

Cum inside me.

Cum inside me.

Blinding breathless shaking overwhelming exploding white God I cum inside her my cock throbbing we’re both moaning eyes hearts souls bodies one.

One.

White.

God.

Cum.

Cum.

Cum.

I close my eyes let out my breath.

Cum.

I lean against her both breathing hard I’m still inside her smiling. She takes my hands lifts them and places them around her body, she puts her arms around me, we stay still and breathe, hard inside her, tight and warm and wet around me, we breathe. She gently pushes me away, we look into each other’s eyes, she smiles.

Now his big generative jockey was inside her pelvic saddle, riding, riding, riding, and she was eagerly swallowing it swallowing it swallowing it with the saddle’s own lips and maw — all this without a word. #BadSex

— Literary Review (@Lit_Review) November 30, 2018

Established in 1993 by then-Literary Review editor Auberon Waugh and literary critic Rhoda Koenig, the Bad Sex in Fiction award recognises the absolute worst depiction of banging in an otherwise acceptable novel. According to Literary Review‘s website, “The purpose of the prize is to draw attention to poorly written, perfunctory or redundant passages of sexual description in modern fiction.”

Though he couldn’t attend the award ceremony in London, Frey sent a gracious acceptance note. “I am deeply honoured and humbled to receive this prestigious award,” he said in a statement to Literary Review. “Kudos to all my distinguished fellow finalists, you have all provided me with many hours of enjoyable reading over the last year.”

The runners up include a choice selection of horrifying scenes, some of which I looked up because I apparently wanted to never sleep again.

across Ezra’s howling mouth and the pained frenzy of his bulbous salutation extenuating his excitement as it whacked and smacked its way into every muscle of Eliza’s body except for the otherwise central zone. #BadSex#OtherwiseCentralZone

— Literary Review (@Lit_Review) November 30, 2018

Major Victor Cornwall & Major Arthur St John Trevelyan’s Scoundrels: The Hunt for Hansclapp uses the term “pleasure cave“, right before someone’s “vaginal ratchet moved in concertina-like waves, slowly chugging my organ as a boa constrictor swallows its prey.” That is a thing I had to read with my eyes, so now you have to as well.

Meanwhile, Julian Gough’s Connect links sex as an adult to breastfeeding as an infant, bringing his mum into the equation because sure, why not. The scene further suffers from an overuse of the words “wow” and “oh man”. It only uses the latter once, but that is already too much.

He kisses them. Teases a nipple with his lips. It’s so soft; and then, suddenly, hard.

Wow.

He sucks on the hard nipple.

He has never done this before, and yet; no, wait, of course, it is totally familiar.

The first thing he ever did.

[…]

Down, now, between her legs, into that complicated valley, everything vivid, astonishing, new.

Yes, it’s like orbiting another planet, landing, exploring…

Wow, wow, wow… no, it’s like a rosebud…

She helps him explore.

Oh man, it opens like a rose…

A defensive Gough told The Guardian that “the sniggering mutual masturbators of the Literary Review” often shortlisted “some of the best and most interesting writing about sex.” “I am delighted to have been shortlisted for the Bad Sex in Fiction Award, particularly alongside the great Haruki Murakami, and I hope to win,” he said prior to the winner’s announcement.

He began thrusting wildly in the general direction of her chrysanthemum, but missing – his paunchy frame shuddering with the effort of remaining rigid and upside down.#BadSex

— Literary Review (@Lit_Review) November 30, 2018

Famous author Haruki Murakami made the shortlist with his novel Killing Commendatore. “My ejaculation was violent, and repeated. Again and again, semen poured from me, overflowing her vagina, turning the sheets sticky. There was nothing I could do to make it stop. If it continued, I worried, I would be completely emptied out.” The scene is with an unconscious woman.

Also shortlisted were:

• Luke Tredget’s Kismet: “They stay in this position for a long time, Anna sucking and slurping with the same lazy persistence you’d use on a gobstopper or a stick of rock.“;
• Gerard Woodward’s The Paper Lovers: “In his mind he pictured her neck, her long neck, her swan’s neck, her Alice in Wonderland neck coiling like a serpent, like a serpent, coiling down on him.“; and
• William Wall’s Grace’s Day: “When he enters me it hurts and my pain belongs to the subterranean world, primitive as the clay […] I don’t know the etiquette. He is twenty or more years older than me. This is sex.“

If this is sex, I want no part of it.

Last year Literary Review awarded the Bad Sex in Fiction title to Christopher Bollen for The Destroyers, which bestowed upon the world this segment of boner-killing prose:

“She covers her breasts with her swimsuit. The rest of her remains so delectably exposed. The skin along her arms and shoulders are different shades of tan like water stains in a bathtub. Her face and vagina are competing for my attention, so I glance down at the billiard rack of my penis and testicles.”

Everyone is banned from writing sex forever.