‘The Bachelorette’ Finale Power Ranking: Oh, He Won
It was going to be bad either way tbh.
In the sea — a bit further away than Australia, not sure where, up maybe — sits a place called ‘Fiji’. Yes, I haven’t heard of it either!
Fiji is a lovely-looking place where — from what I can ascertain from this episode — barely any people live, you won’t see one person, but where tall orange drinks are extremely plentiful. You can’t hardly do anything without suddenly finding a tall orange drink in front of you! Seems like a nice place.
Nice.
Well, it’s NOT a nice place. No sir, not at all. Fiji may be a tropical paradise, but it’s also a place where you can get your heart stomped on and experience the most foul, bitter rejection while a bunch of sadists in headphones are pointing microphones at you and hissing, “how do you feel” when you are in the middle of crying your face off.
Not nice!!
Ah, well. It was going to be a bad outcome either way (no offence, Stu’s Google Alert!!!) but I think that we can trust Sophie Monk’s judgment and not blame this on two months of being sparkling wine-drunk and her just picking the guy who probably already knows her Sydney friends, because cbf.
I’m happy for her.
LET’S DO THE VERY LAST POWER RANKING!!!!!
Winners
Stu (you know)
Sophie says that Stu “came out of nowhere” which I think she means quite literally and not in a “wow, didn’t see that love coming!” way. As she’s on the plane to Fiji (glamorous!) she ponders how she can be so crazy about two such different guys, while a nice man hands her a cocktail.
Huh.
Is he available.
“Am I making a huge mistake, I’m too buzzed to think, yum yum, cocktail.”
Hey, forget Nice Flight Attendant! He’s not in this competition! Stu is!! Stu says that he has “never shifted his focus” off Sophie for the whole time he has been in the competition, which I think has been about three weeks. Quite admirable, actually, not to go looking elsewhere after three weeks! Not All Stus, indeed!!!
Stu practices focusing on Sophie by staring into the empty ocean.
Sophie Monk’s family loves holidays, I mean, they felt compelled to go to Fiji to check up on Sophie’s love life. Sophie warns them that Stu “has a lot of baggage”. “What sort of baggage — LOUIS VUITTON?” says her mum, Sandy.
Sandy is having a cracker of a time.
“HAHAHAHA, hand me another tequila sunrise, won’t you darling.”
“I’m bored.”
No, Stu does not have the Louis Vuitton kind, he has the ‘is-still-married’ kind. Everyone in the family thinks that that’s pretty shit. “We think it’s shit, Soph,” the Monks say, probably.
Stu, as if sensing that the Monks already think that he’s a bit shit, puts on the crispest shirt you have ever seen in your life. This shirt is unbelievable. I don’t know how Stu is moving his arms in this shirt. It certainly made me forget that he’s married, so well done Stu!!!
“Look at my crisp boy.”
“I TELL YA, WON’T YOU LOOK AT MY CRISP BOY!!!”
Stu says that he’s not good at meeting parents and then contradicts himself about two seconds later and decides that “traditionally I’m not bad with parents”. It’s quite a tradition with old Stu. The Monks make the following faces to Stu disclosing that he is 44, is still married and has 4 children.
“Think it’s going good, think they love me, nice one Stuey baby!!!!”
“Can’t believe we’re in Fiji, hey what’s this bloke’s name again.”
Sophie’s sister Lucy says that she wants to take Stu for a walk to do some “digging”. “Sounds nice, Lucy!” says Stu.
“… a grave, for you,” says Lucy.
Just kidding, she just wants to talk to him about being the “playboy of Sydney” which she has apparently read all about. Hahahaha, why would any news outlet report something so moronic —
Anyway, the Playboy of Sydney (Stu) says that that nickname really annoys him! Also, how could he have been a playboy? He was married! You can’t be a playboy while you are married! You’re married! What! A playboy? Nah, he was married!
Lucy becomes bored and congratulates Stu on not slagging off his ex-wife, a bar that is so low that Stu and his crisp shirt just limbo right on under it and back to the rest of the family.
Over ornamental sliced watermelon, Stu says he respects that Lucy asked him tough questions because it proves they love Sophie, or whatever. He says more nonsensical things. Sophie explains to her family that she and Stu are very similar. “Scary!” says Lucy, because being sarcastic is fun and funny. “Yeah — it’s like an eclipse!” says Stu. Huh?
Andy Monk looks at Stu like he is the most insufferable person to have ever walked the earth.
“Am I going to have to see this gelled man every Christmas until I die.”
Stu decides it’s an excellent idea to announce to the Monks that being respectful to his kids and ex-wife is always on his mind. Aw. Shortly after, he explains that he “hasn’t been this happy in 20 years”. Oh wait, it’s cool though, because he’s kids would have been born — wait, hang on a second.
The Monks deal with Stu accordingly.
Hahaha, nah, they’re extremely bored so Sandy just says that she doesn’t think that Stu’s baggage is a big deal, whatever, YOLO, etc. “Thanks for letting me into your life,” says Stu, the fucking weirdest way anyone has ever said goodbye.
“Can we go get hot rock massages now.”
Later on, Stu makes the brilliant decision to wear shorts; male knees being Sophie Monk’s kryptonite. She says that she wants to “go deeper”. Stu immediately starts perspiring. “I’m more nervous than I have been in any other situation,” he says. Married Man doth protest too much, because Sophie meant it quite literally, as they are going snorkelling.
The pair take a sea plane, to another part of the sea. They both remark on how wonderful their “banter” is. From what I can see, their banter mainly consists of them just identifying things around them and repeating their names.
“The water!” says Stu.
“Yeah, the water!” says Sophie.
“Very blue.”
“Haha.”
I tell ya, Aaron Sorkin is not making this stuff up!!!
Get these two a podcast!!!!
They go snorkelling. “I really struggle to go deep,” says Stu, and I don’t know if he’s talking about the water or not getting divorced, boring either way tbh. Stu can’t tell Sophie how he feels. “Please, don’t anyone feel sorry for me,” Stu says to the producers.
Hm, it is hard not to sympathise with the millionaire who is in literal paradise with Sophie Goddamn Monk, I’ll try to restrain myself!!!!
“DON’T CRY FOR ME, AUSTRALIA.”
After some hijinks with a hammock (banter!!!) Stu clears his throat a lot and between phlegm rattles he says that he doesn’t want to embarrass his kids (yeah, I’m sure they’re laughing off the not-happy-in-20-years thing right now) and that he loves Sophie, OKAY??? Then he just sort of started mumbling into her hair.
Sophie started crying so dramatically after this, that I assumed it was all over. “Those are guilt tears,” I texted my friend. “Nah, those are horny tears,” she said. “Haha,” I wrote back.
“Oh no, what are horny tears,” I immediately thought to myself in panic. Have I been… doing things wrong this whole time.
Ah yes, sex!
Aha yes, I see.
Stu says that Sophie Monk is his best friend. She continues to cry. It’s sort of like an eclipse.
Losers
Jarrod
Well. In this episode Jarrod said that he first saw Sophie Monk at the cocktail party, a lie so blatant that I don’t know how it made it into the show. You knew who Sophie Monk was before the cocktail party, pal. He also thinks Sophie is the “love of my life”. Which lie is worse, let’s move on.
Jarrod brought the Monks flowers that he picked himself, which I’m sure the resort was thrilled about. It’s Sandy’s turn to do the grilling, but she’s sort of distracted. “Beautiful drink for a beautiful setting,” she says, sinking a tall orange boy with relish.
“Bottom’s up!!!!!!!!!”
“Let’s hold hands.”
Sandy is like, “do you love her” and Jarrod is all, “DUH, I TOLD HER WEEKS AGO!!”
“Yeesh,” says Sandy. Jarrod racks off and Sophie tries to make her family choose for her. They refuse and Sophie gets annoyed.
“It’s got to be a hard decision,” says Lucy.
“WHY YES, IT IS LUCY,” says Sophie.
“They are both nice chaps with equal good qualities,” says Andy.
“YEP,” says Sophie.
“Think seriously about this,” says Sandy.
I think Sophie may murder them.
“You see the thing is, you need to choose one of them.”
“It’s good advice, I know, you’re welcome, hey how good is Fiji, please hand me another orange drink won’t you.”
Jarrod does very Jarrod-y things on the date. He says that the helicopter is beautiful and then quickly adds that Sophie is MORE beautiful than the helicopter, again just in case we suspect him of having sexual feelings for machinery.
Sophie is scared of heights (why do you keep doing this to her, Bad Show) and Jarrod is ecstatic. “I love seeing Sophie out of her comfort zone,” he says, as she cowers. They go to a secluded sand dune island and a chef prepares them food. “It feels like Sophie and I are the only ones on Earth,” says Jarrod and they make out.
Yeah, I see what you mean.
Hang on.
“You guys still hungry, or.”
I mean, Sophie really did give Jarrod an opportunity to scale it back. “What do you want in a relationship,” she asked. “Everything you are,” he replies.
“Oh! Well, what if –“
“You’re perfect the way you are.”
“Well, but –”
“I DON’T WANT YOU TO CHANGE.”
Jarrod then tells her that his love will only get stronger and that he will only be a better husband and father as time goes on. “If Sophie chooses me, then life will be complete,” he says. Ooh brother.
Seeya Jarrod!
Maybe trying to find love on a TV show doesn’t suit everyone. This became clear when the men discussed how they’d feel if they lost.
“I’d be very disappointed,” — Stu
“I would raze Fiji to the ground,” — Jarrod
Nah not really, but Jarrod did get very upset when Sophie broke up with him. She was dreading this moment, but she knew who she wanted to grow old with (by the way, she pronounces ‘old’ like “oweled”).
When Sophie turns up, Osher is already there like “hey girl” and asks her if she has fallen in love. “Yes, I would say that I’m in love,” says Sophie.
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” says Osher. Osher thinks this is the fucking funniest shit in the world.
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!”
“Oh mercy.”
After Maybelline tells us that it is them who has “made love happen” and forces Sophie Monk to pretend that she did her own make-up, Sophie breaks up with Jarrod.
“I would love to sail into the sunset with Sophie and never return,” Jarrod says before they break up, which is incredibly disturbing. “Sophie was my purpose,” he says after she breaks up with him, which is even more disturbing. The camera follows him for far too long and the producers make him talk even though he is crying quite a lot, this show is a trash fire. (He’s okay now, don’t worry.)
Chin up, Jarrod. Sometimes breaking up with someone at the seaside can be the best thing that’s ever happened to you.
*Starts writing 1989.*
Stu wins! “Stu is my soul mate, I have fallen in love,” says Sophie. Okay! Guess he was the contestant who most understood the… lifestyles… of the rich and the… famous. They kiss aggressively.
Stu has a busy night ahead of him.
Ah, heterosexual marriage. Isn’t it swell! By the by, it you would like our queer mates to make as many terrible decisions as straight people can make, vote YES and send your postal vote by 5pm today. Seeya!
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Sinead Stubbins is Junkee’s former Entertainment Editor. She tweets about Drake, Gilmore Girls and cheeseburgers at @sineadstubbins. Read more of her Bachelorette power rankings here.