‘The Bachelor’ Week Seven Power Ranking: Richie Discusses Dowry With The Patriarchs

I can’t believe we only have one more week of listening to Richie nervously spout inane platitudes about beautiful women while staring at bodies of water or exercising or making smoothies!! The last 14 hours that we’ve spent with this vanilla wafer man have just flown by!!!

“It must be feeling pretty empty here!” Osher said to the contestants, as they cast their eyes around the now-deserted mansion, the faintest whiff of disappointment, sparkling wine and vomit hanging in the air. Guys… was Osher talking about the house, or was he talking about our steadily decaying souls?

OH WELL, LET’S DO THE POWER RANKING!

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Nikki (5 points)

Nikki is already the winner, but we’re playing along with this charade anyway. Even the other contestants know she’s the winner; you can tell from the way that they look at her with narrowed eyes, wishing upon her the most stubborn dandruff, 1,000 days of forgetting to wear deodorant and a perpetually cracked iPhone screen.

This week Richie went to the family homes of all the women to negotiate with their fathers about how many goats they’re worth, or something. Nikki seemed to be the best at making her family home seem the most welcoming and warm, which is great because Richie seemed really confused as to why any of the contestants’ family members would be at all suspicious or hostile towards him? Despite being in a polygamous relationship with four twentysomething women who all look they could be related, except of course Rachael?

Whatever, so Richie turns up at Nikki’s home town of Northam, a place that the show had always kind of indicated was like, deep bush with no electricity and one pay phone that services the whole town. It’s actually fucking massive and normal.

Nikki takes Richie to the ponies, because she’s the face of gambling or something where she lives. She wears a hat that is a cross between an aerial made out of pink barbed wire and a model of every planet’s rotation path in the galaxy with her head as the sun.

The best bits about Nikki’s house were her elderly female relatives hugging Richie for a little too long, and that Nikki has a brother-in-law called ‘Snowy’. Snowy is the best bloke, because he’s the kind of bloke who decides that he really, really cares about something and then exactly one second later decides he doesn’t really care that much.

“Is Nikki your number one missus or what?” Snowy says to Richie, while sinking a cold one and tending to some sausies on the BBQ. Richie cooks it and says, “I’ve made four relationships with four beautiful women,” which makes him seem like a straight-up dirtbag.

Snowy gets real serious and tells him not to worry about the other girls and “their fancy shit” because he should only worry about what girl will be there on his worst day. When a man named Snowy speaks hard truths to you, you listen. Richie nods solemnly and is shamed.

Snowy immediately forgets that he’s mad at Richie and decides that Richie is orrite. “I knew you guys would be beautiful,” Richie says to Nikki’s family, because literally he can’t think of any descriptor that it isn’t ‘beautiful’. They’re all happy. Snowy chews on a sausie.

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Alex (4 points)

Alex is already engaged to Richie in the fan fiction of her brain, so having him meet her family is just a formality. Alex knows that choosing her would be a tough ask for Richie, because “Not only am I from Melbourne, but I’m a single mum” (which are two things that people should never, ever be?). She decides that her son won’t meet Richie yet, which I respect, and this seems to make Richie deeply relieved because toooooo harrrrrdddddddddddddahhhhh.

Richie assumes that Alex’s big brother will hate him, because men must protect the virtue of their female kin and also, Alex says that he “owns guns” but then doesn’t explain this further. Alex’s brother has super intimidating eyebrows. Even his eyebrows look like they own guns.

Richie is terrified of Alex’s brother. He immediately starts justifying what Alex’s family seem to consider a perverse interest in wanting to date a single mother.

“Have you ever been in a relationship — “

“NO!! NEVER!!”

“… I meant, with a woman with a kid.”

“OH, HA HA, I HAVE A GREAT RELATIONSHIP WITH MY SISTER.”

“That’s not what I was — “

“I THINK ALEX IS A BEAUTIFUL GIRL, HA HA.”

Alex’s family is not impressed with Richie, but Alex’s constant reassurance means that he still feels good about himself. He insists on talking about the “intense chemistry” he has with Alex, with is basically like telling her mum “yo, your daughter gives me mad erections, it’s crazy”.

Alex’s brother asks if he’s ever cheated on a woman at work. “I don’t even drink at work!” Richie says, puzzlingly. “You seem like you hate kids,” Alex’s brother says. “This show is weird and you seem like a bit of a pervert. You hate kids and you’re a pervert”.

Richie goes to great pains to prove that he is NOT a pervert and he and Alex’s brother say “at the end of the day” and “mate” to each other in that super aggressive way that Australian men do when they want to hit each other. “I’m going to tell him I love him tonight!” Alex says, eyes glowing. “… Really?” says Alex’s sister.

Alex does it despite her family’s lukewarm Richie feelings and says to him, “My mum LOVED you, now quick go away before my brother shoots you”. Theny then make out to a song that sounds like ‘Fix You’ but isn’t ‘Fix You’ outside her family home. It seems ominous?

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Olena (3 points)

Olena had a tough one this week, on account of Richie designing a date specifically to annoy and humiliate her, but then deciding she was far too good looking to kick out of the competition. Osher announced to the contestants that “Richie doesn’t hold back when it comes to transport!” and then presented a four-wheel drive, because literally the most interesting thing about this guy is how he gets places. Good grief.

Olena’s software is not compatible with the great outdoors, so she hated the camping trip. “I want to go back to the mansion,” Olena said in the car. “What’s that spiky shit,” she said, pointing to grass. After being in the bush for ten minutes, she started bleeding.

Frankly it’s a miracle that Olena survived this week, because she seemed to do absolutely everything in her power to get sent home. Richie was borderline annoyed because Olena didn’t help him put up his tent, even though four other women were basically wrestling each other to help him.

Richie’s idea of the perfect woman is a girl who pretends to like the things that he likes just to humour him, but Olena just straight up says she hates camping and she hates this dumb, boring date.

“I’ve never been interested in a girl who makes things so challenging!” Richie says, while staring at her perfectly symmetrical face and contemplating how complaint all the other contestants are. This week all the other girls were falling over themselves to prove to Richie how much their families would love and adore him (“MY DAD WILL PROBABLY WANT TO DATE YOU!” Racahel said maniacally, while standing in direct blinding sunlight so Richie might be tricked into thinking she’s blonde).

Instead, Olena took another route. “What if they don’t like you,” she said.

Instead of taking her back to the factory in which she was constructed, Richie visits her family home in Sydney. “Of all the women here, Olena is by far the most mysterious,” Richie says, because she doesn’t seem to like him and because she has a slight accent.

Richie (not Olena) tells us that Olena’s parents are Ukranian and thus must have “strong traditions”. Richie can’t even fathom what kind of ~strange foreign traditions~ they will have!

Olena tells Richie that her dad is an ex-boxer so if you piss him off he will straight-up kill you or something? She is delighted when Richie is concerned about this. “I’ve never dated a woman from an Eastern European background,” Richie says in the same way you might say “I’ve never dated a polar bear from the moon, hey let’s give it a shot”.

When they arrive, there’s a close-up of a spirits bottle that has funny words on it that aren’t even English words. They’re just pointy shapes that slant!!! Hey, those aren’t our letters!!!! What a weird house!!!

Olena’s house visit is fun, because every few minutes a different family member reminds Richie that Olena’s father is capable of murder. I counted six times during this house visit where someone plainly said “Dad will kill you”. Who is this man who is always on the edge of murder? I don’t know, but I like him a lot.

Olena’s dad immediately teaches Richie how to box. He refuses to laugh at any of Richie’s jokes. His hobbies seem to be boxing and eye contact. Eventually he softens because Richie is so obviously terrified, and he tries to be kind to this scared bocconcini man.

At the dinner table, Richie discusses how hard it is when four hot birds want you. Olena’s family are not sympathetic. Olena’s teenage sister kind of hates Richie and tries to make him uncomfortable for funsies. Richie seems genuinely flabbergasted that these people haven’t immediately fallen for his charms.

“So, are you going to marry my sister at the end of the show?”

“I really like Olena!”

“But you’re dating other girls.”

“Should we have more of the vodka with the squiggly words on the label?”

“Where would you live, but?”

“Damn Olena’s teenage sister, these are some hard truths.”

Olena asks her murderous father if he reckons she likes him. “I don’t know,” he says. Olena walks Richie out. “You fascinate me!” he says, with a sheen of sweat on his brow. She smiles and says, “Okay, bye”.

When you’re that pretty, you don’t have to nice to anyone I think.

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Rachael’s Dad (1 point)

Rachael’s dad was the best and most mysterious dad in the show. Firstly, he hardly ever spoke. He just kept nodding. Every time the camera was on him he was nodding, without taking a break between nods, just nodding and nodding and nodding. He was a silent nodding man, with a cast on his arm. How did he get this cast?

Then when he finally did speak, he was British. He didn’t say anything, and then he said: “I think he knows the future”, which was the most prophetic and vague and wise shit I have ever heard in my goddam life. Who is this motherfucker, I can’t stop thinking about this guy.

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So, who did he ditch?

Bye Rachael! I’m sad that you liked Richie so much and he just didn’t really like you. I’m happy that you at least got to do a sexy dance at the bush camp, which the show gave us absolutely no context for.

Bye Faith! I’m sad because I got you in the office sweep.

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The Bachelor is on Channel Ten at 7.30pm Wednesdays and Thursdays. Read last week’s power ranking here.