I think it was ‘The Bible’ that once proclaimed, “you reap what you sew” and that’s how I know that we deserve this season of The Bachelor.

We deserve it for the things that we have done and the things that we should have done, but did not do. We deserve it for that time we shoplifted in high school and that other time that we laughed at someone’s embarrassing blunder (saying ‘piss’ instead of ‘piece’, tripping on a curb and flailing their arms about, calling someone ‘Mum’ when they are not in fact their mum, etc.). We deserve it for our selfishness, our lack of consideration, our sins. We deserve it for the times we both smelled it and indeed, dealt it.

For the flaws in our characters, the imperfections we do not attempt to correct, the limitations of our compassion – it is because of these that we truly, truly deserve the most boring season of The Bachelor that has ever been allowed on television.

We all have to live with each other’s deficiencies, oh well, LET’S DO THE POWER RANKING!!!!!!

Winners

Sophie (7 points)

Sophie is one of the smoke shows left on The Bachelor. She has big eyes and is quick to laughter. If you told me that she had been in the original iteration of Hi-5 I would believe you – except that she would have been six during the original iteration of Hi-5, because you need to be mostly 25 to be on this show.

Sophie is on the last single date, because last week she used a whiteboard to express her feelings to Honey Badger. She did this by drawing a stick figure (him) with a butterfly where she thinks the human heart is meant to be. Honey Badger found this to be adequate.

They go to an ice skating rink. Honey Badger says that Sophie makes him feel “alive” I guess because she looks like she should be in ads selling whitening toothpaste or leggings. “You’re looking cracking today,” he says, stating the obvious, and they kiss immediately.

Honey Badger seems genuinely shocked by how beautiful Sophie is, it’s incredibly romantic.

Once his lust has momentarily subsided, Honey Badger asks if Sophie has ever been skating before. Sophie has been skating – in fact, it was part of “Thursday sport” at her high school, which I assume was in a castle in the Alps.

They’re both very good at skating, but not like Olympics good, the in-between good that makes for bad television.

Fortunately, a sinkhole does not open up and swallow them whole. They decide to play hockey. If Honey Badger wins, he gets “a cheeky kiss”. If Sophie wins, she gets “a surprise”.

I think I must fundamentally misunderstand what ‘winning’ means, this Honey Badger sure thinks a lot of himself!!!!!

The game continues, ice ice ice relentless ice and game, skating and the continuance of the game, an ongoing game, skating and game, ice ice ice game. Honey Badger wins, so they kiss. They roll around on the ice and continue to kiss.

Then they go to a pool to experience water in a different way. When Sophie takes off her robe to reveal that she is wearing bathers, Honey Badger gasps. Honey Badger explains that he likes her “passion” and adds, “You put wind in the sails. You just add wind to the sails” which, okay.

Honey Badger is obviously extremely attracted to Sophie, but all Sophie wants to talk about is how much she cares about her family. “My family’s opinions mean everything to me,” she says. Honey Badger wonders if this means that ‘heavy petting on television’ is off the table.

Luckily for Honey Badger, it does NOT mean this, and they ferociously kiss in the pool. At one point, Honey Badger lifts Sophie out of the pool to make out with her, which gives us a real good shot of her butt. I think I have now spent more time looking at Sophie’s butt than I have my own butt, which is perhaps for the best.

Britt (6 points)

Britt triumphed on the group date! Much like the social conventions of the show, the date is 1950s themed. Ah, those were different times! Vast social inequality, the looming threat of nuclear war, the general fear of migration changing Aus– WAIT, HANG ON A DAMN MINUTE!!!!!!!

Anyway, Honey Badger does his hair weird because the 1950s. “He looks so hot!” says Sophie.

Osher doesn’t seem excited about the 1950s theme, probably because it’s stupid. “Some may say that the 1950s were a simpler time, maybe not-so-much a perfect time,” says Osher. He says this in front of an Indigenous woman (Brooke). In the 1950s, Indigenous people were not even allowed to vote in Australia. That truly is the definition of ‘not-so-much a perfect time’ in my book!

The contestants put on neckerchiefs, just like the 1950s. “That look, the 1950s, that does something to me,” says Honey Badger.

Buddy, I hear ya.

Honey Badger asks how their “ball-handling skills” are (“HAHAHAHAHAHA” – the contestants) and they all compete for alone time with Honey Badger. Brooke gets the first strike and gets to have a private conversation with him. They talk about how in the 1950s, the dream was to own a home, something that no-one can do now, sounds like a fairytale to me!!!!

“What is your dream now, Brooke?” says Honey Badger. “Is it to be with me.”

Osher then asks everyone to write a letter to themselves in 2028. “You’ll be 10 years older!” Osher explains. Everyone looks panicked. Honey Badger does not need to write a letter, because it doesn’t matter that he will one day get older.

Dasha starts crying because she misses her son and we see a producer comforting her at length, because somehow The Bachelor thinks it’s as interesting as the show Unreal, which it is not.

Britt says she finds it quite easy to “translate from my mind to paper” perhaps Britt invented writing. Cass discloses that she “really wants” Honey Badger in her future, which reminds me of a phrase in Latin, no shit sherlock.

“Have you finished writing your vulnerable feeling thoughts?” says Osher. “Yes,” say they women. “OKAY, TIME TO READ THEM OUT!!!!” says Osher. The women seemed shocked that they had to do this, seemingly forgetting that they are on a TV show and not at a mindfulness retreat.

A crying Cass talks about “falling in love at 23” which is the age she is now, so basically announces that she is in love with Honey Badger. “I think there must have been pain in her past,” says Honey Badger of the crying, refusing to acknowledge that she is crying because she is in love with him. Dasha cries because she misses her son. Brooke cries about wanting “a voice”.

Then Britt gets up there and cracks some gags.

Honey Badger decides that this means that Britt is the best at the 1950s and they go to a chocolate café. She says that it’s “scary” how well Honey Badger will fit in her family, which doesn’t sound that scary to me. They kiss.

It was the sort of date where no one says anything, but boy they say a lot of it. Just like… the 1950s?

Losers

Cass (4 points)

Cass, a kind-hearted girl who this show is repeatedly dogging, had a strange stunt this week. At the cocktail party, she announced that she had a “surprise” which wow, okay!

Cass led Honey Badger outside to her surprise. The surprise was two deck chairs with two ukuleles sitting on them. It took me a second to realise that this was actually the surprise, because it just looked like the regular lawn furniture.

“NO WAY!!!!!!” says Honey Badger.

Everyone still on this show (1 point)

Pretty boring, huh.

Seeya!

Emily and Dasha! I liked how Osher whispered both of your names like his windpipes were constricted by a thousand tears, good luck out there you guys.