Welcome to our Thursday recap of The Bachelor — you can read Patrick Lenton’s excessively funny list of all the things he learned about love from Wednesday’s episode right here.

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Well well well! The truth will out, won’t it! You can try to hide the truth, but at the end of the day you simply cannot mistake what is true, what is false and what is the honest truth.

(I didn’t watch Wednesday night’s episode, but here is what I imagine happened.)

I do know that new people have arrived, intruder people, people who have intruded on the sanctuary of The Bachelor mansion, and how dare you intrude on this serenity, where everyone is having a lovely time and no one is being bullied!!!!

Why is TV so stressful now, what happened to the good old days when we could all watch a nice M*A*S*H and be in bed by nine, urgh anyway, LET’S DO THE POWER RANKING!!!!
Winners 

Brooke (a million points, it doesn’t matter)

 

Brooke won a single date, which is about as surprising as saying ‘gravity helps us stay on the ground’ or ‘Australia’s asylum seeker policy is inherently flawed and inhumane’.

But it’s somehow not irritating, because it’s impossible to not immediately have a crush on Brooke.

Cat is furious that Brooke has gotten another single date with the Bachelor when at last count, Cat has had exactly zero single dates. (A huge faux pas in Bali.) “I think it’s fair that I respond like that!!!” Cat says to Brooke, in case Brooke has the utter gall to feel okay about being picked for a date.

“I agree,” says Romy or Alisha.

After Brooke apologises to the room for being picked for a single date/existing, Honey Badger arrives at the house in a blue car (boy) to pick up his date. Unsurprisingly, this only serves to make Cat hate Brooke more. “I’m not going to pretend I’m happy!!!” says Cat. Honey Badger somehow recovers from Cat not pretending that she’s happy.

Honey Badger takes Brooke out to the car and for some reason, the camera lingers on him putting on his seatbelt, either to reinforce that it’s important to put on a seatbelt or to drive us wild with the mere suggestion of his privates.

I don’t know. Honey Badger loves Brooke’s “beautiful aura” and it also doesn’t hurt that she is extremely good looking. They go to a “Balinese palace” (“WHAT” – Cat) where there is a man quietly sharpening pencils. “Do you trust me,” says Honey Badger, softly.

Oh my god Brooke, DON’T GO IN.

They have to describe each other’s faces and then the drawing guy has to draw them. Honey Badger says that Brooke has “not sharp cheekbones” and “rounded features”. “Ah… gentle features?” says the drawing man, tactfully. Honey Badger emphatically agrees and continues to describe a standard human face.

Now it is Brooke’s turn! She also describes a face as if she has only once seen a face, and that was in a picture book that she saw in a dream when she was three-years-old. That is to say, Brooke says that Honey Badger has a “great face”. “Great face?” says the artist in exasperation.

“Yes,” says Brooke.

 

The two drawings look like two attractive people with symmetrical faces. “Wow!” they both say. Everyone has a nice time. “She’d make a good wife – can I say that?” says Honey Badger. You sure can, Honey Badger. You sure can.

Emily (7 points)

Hello, who the bloody hell is this! Why, it’s a girl named Emily!

Emily won the group date this week, so get used to her! Honey Badger “loves swimming carnivals” – which really does tell you all you need to know about a person – and so the group date is a swimming date.

“I’m not impressed,” says Cat, a gal who prefers to be impressed. Osher and Honey Badger say that the girls have to play “ball bingo” and this will prove who is of sturdiest stock and has the constitution to bear spawn of Honey Badger, just kidding, they all just have to put on swimsuits and flop around.

“My strategy is cheating,” says Cat, before pulling the legs of two girls in an attempt to drown them win ball bingo. “Surprise surprise, Cat is up to her old tricks!” says Honey Badger, as he watches Cat yank other women with abandon. Quite a trick! “I would never feel bad for another person,” says Cat.

“That sounds bad!” she says upon reflection.

“I thought today would be a fun day at the pool,” says Honey Badger sadly. Tenille and Emily then have to race while enclosed in giant balls. They look as if they are struggling, but enthusiastic embryos. Tenille struggles to race and simple music begins to play, as if Tenille is a true imbecile for not knowing how to steer a plastic ball in a public swimming pool.

Anyway Emily wins the single date. “I’m not sure where this is going to go, because I don’t know her,” says Honey Badger which, same. Honey Badger wonders if Emily “could be a diamond in the rough” which means that either the other girls are the rough, or her face is the rough.

Emily says that she thinks Honey Badger is “genuine”. Honey Badger warns her that he doesn’t want to “settle down” right now (wtf) and asks her if she needs to have a partner or if she just wants to have a partner, a stupid question with only one correct answer. Emily says she doesn’t need one… she wants a partner in crime though!!!!

Honey Badger rewards her for saying the right things about independence, by giving her a rose. She is overcome with gratitude.

Tenille (6 points)

 Well!

Losers

Cat (3 points)

When I watch Cat on this television program (The Bachelor) and listen to the relentlessly terrible things that she says about other women, it makes me want to throw my favourite jewellery into the garbage, douse my phone in hot oil and set fire to my childhood toys, because I need to be punished for consuming this poison.

Anyway, throughout the episode Cat complains about being overlooked and insults everyone on the show. “I have enough shit to do on the outside to spend time worrying about some dude,” says she, a woman who intentionally left her jewellery business in Bali just for an opportunity to be with – and I’m sure the Facebook ad that recruited her described as – “some dude”.

“It’s beneath me,” says Cat.

Cat discusses with her cronies – Alisha and Romy – that Brooke was acting like a “victim” when Cat refused to be happy that Brooke got asked on a date [footage missing]. The trio discuss Tenille’s tears the night before and her pleas with the producers, and decide that it was an elaborate ploy “to make Romy look bad”. Wtf, that would be Bond villain-level plotting, but okay gals.

They all agree that everyone in the house is a faker, except for them, the protectors of truth. Then, weirdly, the show includes footage of the producers saying to the contestants, ”Is there anything else you want to say?” and follows the producers walking away – and then has a ‘surreptitious’ sound bite of the three women discussing if Cat should fake tears at the cocktail party in an attempt to stay?

Is The Bachelor trying to position these three women as more nefarious than the show itself, lol okay guys.

At the toga cocktail party (???) Honey Badger straight out asks Tenille “who is being mean” which simultaneously shows a strength of character and childlike innocence that is very endearing.

(“Tenille is a boring lemon,” says one of the mean ones, from afar.)

Honey Badger decides to take Cat aside at the cocktail party and ask her to leave, which I can’t imagine pleased the producers very much. At least they got a spicy parting speech? “I’m not mean – I say things like they is!” says Cat, a classic mean person’s defence. “This is a place of love,” says Honey Badger (maybe he thought the togas would inspire some sort of wild Roman orgy). “I don’t want you to stuff up my chances of finding the girl of my dreams.”

Cat takes it well.

Like the Roman gladiators of old, Cat first shouts, “I have a heart of gold, hands down!!!” and then when doesn’t work, cries, and when that doesn’t work, stops crying immediately and says “WHATEVER, HIS LOSS” and leaves. Her minions, remaining on the mortal plane, literally weep. Vale, you terrifying fiend.

Cat’s friends (2 points)

 

 

Seeya!

New Brit, Alisha, Romy and Cat! I wonder who will say repulsive things now that the most provocative contestants are gone?

See you next week!