All The Heterosexual Nonsense I Was Forced To Endure During Episode 4 Of ‘Bachelor In Paradise’

Hello, and welcome to Junkee’s recaps of Bachelor In Paradise, where we watch episodes of Bachelor In Paradise and try to pretend we’re OK with all the hetero nonsense we see in front of us.

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Hello! It’s that time again. Time to read my amazing recap of an episode of The Bachelor in Paradise. If it seems like not enough time has passed between the last time you read a recap and this one, you’re correct! For some reason a switch was flicked somewhere deep in the halls of Channel 10, and the show just randomly changed nights. It was probably Kerri-Anne Kennerley. I have no evidence, it’s just a feeling.

It seems to me like if you want people to watch a show you would put it on the same night each week, but I am not a TV executive! Perhaps they just assume that for some reason everyone in Australia is going to be stuck at home watching TV every night and not going out or having fun so everyone is trapped on their couch ready to watch whenever it appears before their eyes, and they will be grateful little piggies thankful for the distraction yum yum oink oink we are here whenever you need master.

Anyway this is all just speculation from a woman being driven slightly insane having to watch almost two hours of a bunch of heterosexuals being very annoying, and sometimes making out with each other. All while I am in MY home, unable to MAKE OUT with ANYONE.

I still get to be annoying though, so that’s something. This episode had some fallout from the last episode, and the introduction of a bunch of new characters, which thank god.

I must admit the show is pretty good at knowing when it needs an injection of new people, even though I wish it was 3 new and more interesting people every episode, and I personally had the power to press a button and have a trapdoor open beneath the ones I don’t like.

In fact, if we aren’t getting Bisexual Island (#bisexualisland), I would love this to turn into some sort of  Hunger Games, with me, Rebecca Shaw, in charge. Instead I will use the power I do currently have and rank people on how much they annoyed me this episode!

MOST ANNOYING

Ciarran/Timm/Women Consoling Men After Bad Behaviour

Ciarran got confronted with his bad behaviour when his ex Renee arrived and he had to own the fact that he had cheated on her and been all-round shit.

Instead of doing that properly, he instead got mad and walked around saying ‘innit’ angrily a lot and threatened to leave Paradise. After that, Timm tried to stir the pot and rile everyone up and defend Ciarran, and was generally a shithead. When he got (fairly mildly) called out for his behaviour, he got upset and threatened to leave.

In both circumstances in this episode, they then each got consoled and convinced to stay by Jess and Britt. It turned from men having to own up to what they’d done and process things honestly to men acting out again and forcing women to make them feel better about it.

Annoying! I do have to say that while I think Ciarran is a bit of a write-off…..I still have a soft spot for Timm.

I do think he genuinely felt bad, and I also do wonder if he has undiagnosed ADHD, but he is on shaky ground with me. I would hate to see a cycle where he acts badly, and then makes Britt console him instead of using it as a lesson to grow as a person. Britt deserves better! She’s cool and beautiful! That’s a great combo!

Get it together and be better Timm….or else. Any threats I could make here are fairly empty, but…just do it..please? Okay.

“Cleanskins”

This episode we got introduced to three men nicknamed the ‘cleanskins’, who were brought in to the fray.

These three men are called ‘cleanskins’ because they haven’t appeared on The Bachelor franchise before. The only and entire premise of The Bachelor in Paradise is that the people sent to paradise are from The Bachelor, so it seems to be completely contradictory to why this show exists.

There are seemingly no rules anymore! The show will appear at random times on your TV, and random people with no affiliation to the show can just wander on! It’s chaos! Even though I like that the power shifted back to the women this episode with the arrival of more men…..are these really the three we want?

I have nothing against them personally (yet), but can only assume they were nicknamed ‘cleanskins’ because they are all white, difficult to tell apart, and it doesn’t really matter which one you reach in and choose because they are all very similar and of equal average quality.

Glenn

Look, Glenn is fine. He seems very nice. I’m sure he is a much more decent man than most we are subject to in this field.

Yes, I am totally bamboozled as to why so many women find him so incredibly hot, I cannot understand it, and it makes me feel like I am being gaslit by a television show.

Yes, all he says is ‘yeah’ when women talk, and he just repeats their joke back to them, which perhaps tricks them into thinking he has a personality? I’m not sure, and never will be.

Whatever the case, Glenn isn’t on this list for those things, he’s on the list for making me see the following images on his date with Alisha.

LEAST ANNOYING

Tim (one M)

Tim is one of the cleanskins! We barely heard from him! He said almost nothing!

BUT the one thing I did hear him say is that he said “I am from the country” and Alisha said “Where” and he said “near Toowoomba”. Readers, you might not know this about me, in fact there is no reason for you to know this about me, but I am also from Toowoomba!

So it is my hometown duty to put Tim on this list, and it is easy to do so because he didn’t say anything, and that is the most least annoying thing a man can do. Also it’s possible we are related.

Alisha

I hadn’t heard of or seen Alisha before this episode, but I immediately liked her. Despite the fact she fell for Glenn, and I was forced to see those disturbing scenes between them, I found her to be really delightful. My favourite part was the moment where she called Glenn ‘Greg’ because it proved my point that he is extremely forgettable, but also her reaction was funny.

She seems very open and smart and I found her to be a breath of fresh air.

Even though, again, she is for some reason obsessed with Greg or Glenn. They each mentioned several times that they love each other’s blue eyes, which are exactly the same as each other’s blue eyes and also now that I’m thinking about it they do look like brother and sister. Can’t wait to see them touch and kiss a lot!

Alisha also took Brittany aside at some point and tried to convince her to give her rose to one of the cleanskin men who had shown interest, and she obviously feels protective of Brittany and wanted to help her. We love that, protect Brittany at all costs!!!

The Sun

I believe the sun over Fiji is actively trying to be anti-racist, and is an ally. This franchise obviously has a diversity problem, in that almost everyone is white, all of the time, in every season. It sucks, and I believe the Fiji sun is trying to teach the show a lesson by burning the absolute shit out of all the pasty men.

The sun demands more contestants like Niranga! Who is so handsome and funny and looks amazing in glasses!

He did get a bit more screen-time this week, due to giving Cass foot massages. Perhaps next week we can see an entire scene involving him!

NEVER TO ANNOY ME AGAIN

Toowoomba Tim got sent home! I take this as a personal attack, but on the other hand it means he won’t become more famous than me, so I will survive. Jake also left, voluntarily giving up the game at the rose ceremony and announcing he had to go.

He is obviously in love with his ex, and his heart wasn’t in the whole thing. He was also clearly becoming unhinged and obsessed about the concept of ‘friendship roses’, which he kept saying all the time, so it is probably best he is gone. Good luck Jake, i’m sure it will work out with the ex-girlfriend you met on a reality show competition!

So that’s it from me yet again! It’s very hard to say when our next recaps will be dropping because we live in a new lawless landscape, but join me next time for some more Straights Argue Near A Beach.

Junkee will recap every episode of Bachelor In Paradise, because they are idiots.

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