All The Heterosexual Nonsense I Was Forced To Endure During Episode 3 Of ‘Bachelor In Paradise’

Hello, and welcome to Junkee’s recaps of Bachelor In Paradise, where we watch episodes of Bachelor In Paradise and try to pretend we’re OK with all the hetero nonsense we see in front of us.

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Well, well, well — was this episode of Bachelor In Paradise my Year 12 timetable? Because it is FULL of drama.

Too much drama! I’ll never get a job, I should do some MATHS.

I’m back again for another episode of BIP, and this time it was surprising and spontaneous — nobody TOLD me it was going to be on Tuesday, so I had to watch it at the last minute, with no preparation, panicking and sweating. Guys, my job is SOOOO hard and nobody understands.

Anyway, that’s why the recap is late. There’s no order, no schedule! Who knows when another episode of this chaotic mess will land? Bec and I are frantically shuffling around our various and very important yearning schedules to adapt to this nonsense.

Remember when I thought this show was going to be horny? Just a bunch of basic bitches drinking white wine on an island and continually saying “Bula Banquet” until it loses all meaning, and getting all riled up and sexy for each other? That’s what I thought this show was going to be.

At the beginning of the ep, it almost seemed like that would be the case. Just a bunch of dickheads sitting around a pool, watching Timm absolutely need to be the centre of attention, gossiping listlessly, bored and wondering whomst they would smooch next. Heaven!

But it was not to last… because babies, BIP was much like all the ingredients one needs to make a huge out-of-control bonfire. I don’t know what those ingredients are — dry wood and newspaper?– but all it needed was one spark. And that spark was named Reeneeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Let’s rank people, because this week, there was a LOT of annoying.

MOST ANNOYING

Ciarran

How the turn-tables.

I remember back in Angie’s season, there was this stretch of time where we had some absolute bad units, some prime examples of festering deadshit masculinity, like that little misogynist with the huge head, or that red-faced guy who got upset from wearing a chicken outfit — but when we got rid of them, suddenly the majority of the men were kinda cool?

I remember being like… the whole point of this recap is to rag on shitty hetero men, but look at Timm and Ciarran and the hot loaf of bread who won — they’re all just nice guys — what is my job anymore?

And I liked Ciarran most of all. I loved him. I thought he was fun, and emotionally vulnerable, and funny, and nakey. And this… this my friends, is peak heterosexual nonsense. I feel outraged, I feel vindicated, I feel vengeful. He has let me, a person he has never met, down! This is what straight men do, they let you down. Oh, I feel like an old country song.

So basically — Ciarran came into Bachelor In Paradise, and the show immediately started pushing this whole behind-the-scenes story about how he’d cheated on his ex-gf, Renee, who was also from the franchise. Incestuous.

Of course, they bring her in to the Bula Banquet. On a side note, every time people said anything like “it is a terrible vibe at the Bula Banquet” I got a massive case of the giggles. There’s nothing funnier than drama at the Bula Banquet.

So Renee arrives, and Ciarran just immediately acts like a giant sook. He’s storming around, moodily kicking soccer balls, saying things like “well this is mint, isn’t it” but in a way that implies it certainly is NOT mint.

Ciarran: #BachelorInParadiseAU pic.twitter.com/iBuIxKQr76

— Patrick Lenton (@PatrickLenton) July 21, 2020

It was very much a way of making himself the victim — when he really just needed to shut up and own up to his mistakes. He really could not process a second of any of it, and took it out on everyone.

THEN, after continually forcing Renee into confrontations, engineered by him to get absolution or forgiveness from her, because he couldn’t stand another moment of feeling bad, she drops the bombshell that Ciarran had LEFT Angie’s season of The Bachelorette to be with her.

He’d told Angie he was leaving because his Nanna was sick. Did he even have a nanna? SHOW US THE NANNA.

Anyway, I’m done, he sucks, fuck off. I think he said he’s leaving, I hope he does.

TIMM

What is it with men being unable to process any form of complicated emotion, so they just become angry?

Timm spent the majority of this episode just being a petulant, aggressive little shit at the Bula Banquet. Aggressive Little Shit At The Bula Banquet! is my least favourite Panic At The Disco! cover band.

He spent ages riling up Renee, who… didn’t deserve that in any sense. He just lashed out at everyone, including pure Niranga — and his whole reasoning was because “I just don’t think you should be talking to your mate’s missus, full stop”. And… what…. vast nonsense conspiracy is this? This is such boys boys boys nonsense, I can’t even handle it.

To think I loved Timm. Another man has let me down!

Everyone Who Told Britt To “Keep Her Man In Line”

Even if they had been happily married for forty years, Timm’s shitty behaviour would not be her responsibility.

It’s such a bizarre, and frankly dangerous, proposition that women should be held responsible for men’s behaviour. I won’t get into it — but it shifts the blame, and also mitigates and normalises his bad behaviour. There’s only two people responsible for Timm’s behaviour, and that’s Timm, and our lord Jesus Crust.

The fact that BRITT and TIMM had gone on ONE SHITTY GROUP DATE and had a MILD SMOOCH made this even more ludicrous. Fuck ya’ll!

Leave Britt alone!

LEAST ANNOYING

Glenn

Look, this is only mild, but how did GLENN get here? I never thought I’d even remember who he was?

But he told Timm to shut up, and that’s pretty funny.

He also tried to help defuse the whole Ciarran situation, but none of them have the tools to de-escalate emotional situations, so it was just a bunch of bros following each other around being like “you ok, pal? you alright buddy?”. Points for effort, though.

Brittney

I loved Litney’s whole vibe this episode — she just continually wandered around, through all this drama, casually asking someone — anyone — for a smooch. It was big mood.

“Hellloooo, just kiss me!” she says.

While the Bula Banquet drama was happening, and there was a whole box of inflammatory questions for Ciarran, she plaintively asks the empty air “is there any questions for me?”

I laughed. She’s great.

Renee

Renee was a MOOD, and the undisputed queen of tonight’s episode.

While it did take her a weirdly long time to actually get to the house, seemingly wandering the paths for half the episode, once she did get there, she definitely brought the drama. And that’s fine — she had a shitty thing happen to her. Get your revenge, girl, we love it.

But what made her iconic, was the fact that she spent the entire episode simply sipping wine and staring daggers at everyone.

Renee, coming in to #BachelorInParadiseAU pic.twitter.com/HUF9zHOB3Q

— Patrick Lenton (@PatrickLenton) July 21, 2020

Anyway, lots of beef. Let’s hope things calm down next episode, mostly because I am bored by this.

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Junkee will recap every episode of Bachelor In Paradise. Tomorrow night will be Rebecca Shaw.

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Patrick Lenton is the Editor of Junkee. He tweets @patricklenton.