‘The Bachelor’ 2016 Finale: An Official Junkee Drinking Game

This season of The Bachelor has been a whirlwind of me making loud fart noises at the TV every time Richie speaks. As far as I can tell, the only things he likes are the outdoors and blondes, which makes me feel like I’m watching my primary school boyfriend dating grown ass women on national TV. This leads to many complicated and uncomfortable emotions.

Partly because of this, the best thing about this season has hands down been the girls.

There was Keira, the reigning queen of snark who totally didn’t even want Richie to like her; like, she is way too good for him anyway. Peasant. There was Olena, who I just can’t feel bad about objectifying because looking at her is like looking at the moon or some shit. I adore her, and also her total dislike for any touchy-feely crap. Then there was the blossoming romance between Megan and Tiffany. They rejected the heteronormative fairytale bullshit the show has been peddling for years and found real love with each other.

Now that the numbers have dwindled, and we’ve lost any hope that one of the girls might tell Richie that he is, in fact, a giant six-year-old, we’re all going to need an outrageous drinking session to get us to the finish line.

For this adventure, I recommend a whole bunch of very stiff, borderline illegal alcoholic substances. Get the good tequila with the worm, is what I’m saying. This is going to be a rough ride.

HAVE A DRINK…

When Richie says ‘wow’ and chuckles sycophantically

This one’s a touch problematic as we do not want you to die. However, you may want to use this as an opportunity to sip a bit of light beer between shots.

Here’s a recommendation from Richie:

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When one of the girls says that Richie makes them feel “special”

Take a shot of straight vodka and try not to vomit it back up.

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When Richie is shown exercising in a gratuitous attempt to exploit our primal instincts

Look, by this time we’ve all realised Richie is actually a robot who exists only to diminish a woman’s capacity to make rational life decisions. But for a fluorescent white man of steel and microchips, he has an eerily symmetrical and well-muscled body.

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When Richie’s mum makes a girl cry

The producers have really let me down this season with the tear tally at an all-time low. It’s no surprise, if I’m honest. Richie seems to only inspire tears of frustration in the viewer from his inability to draw a complete sentence together without the word ‘beautiful’.

But judging from the promos for tonight’s episode, his mum is a bit of a loose unit. As Richie comforts the woman who has the inevitable breakdown with a solid handshake, comfort your own trauma from watching this excruciatingly shallow entertainment with a smooth double malt whiskey, hold the ice.

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When Alex mentions that she has a son

I bloody love that Alex brings her son into every conversation she has with Richie. In a show that works hard to reduce women to a lucky dip prize, she has shown real gumption by forcing Richie to consider something beyond himself.

So have a big gulp of chardonnay, and if you’re a mum, have a whole glass (or bottle). You deserve it.

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When Nikki says that she is in love with Richie

Every time Nikki does this I picture the producer looking at their feet and thinking about how they turned down that indie doco. Was the money worth it? Where did they go wrong, to end up here, staring into the dull eyes of hopeless idealism, consciously aware that they are responsible for the creation and death of dreams?

Have a shot of tequila. Straight up. No chaser.

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When Alex doesn’t get a rose

Alex seems quite resilient and definitely the kind of person to get over someone with one night on the piss with some girlfriends at a strip club screaming “WOOO!” a lot, and doing a “tell-all” spread in New Idea. Salute her with one final shot.

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NOPE SORRY, NOT DONE YET

When someone calls someone else a peasant

Toast the glory of Keira with a cold one.

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When someone eats a rose

Hey, it’s happened once already. Take another shot of vodka. Nostrovia!

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When both women realise Richie hasn’t once asked them about their personalities or ambitions outside of his own extremely limited marriageability check list of being ‘adventurous’ and ‘blonde’, walking out with heads high and dignity in tact.

Champagne, all round!

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When you realise that all the good contestants are gone and there is no longer any point in watching this shit

Mix everything you have left and gulp it down, because judging by how MINDLESSLY BORING yesterday’s episode was, that is the only way any of us are going to get through this and hopefully not remember it in the morning.

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The finale of The Bachelor is on Channel Ten tonight at 7.30pm… then we’re straight into The Bachelorette.

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Kara Eva Schlegl is a freelance writer with too much spare time and not enough episodes of Buffy to tide her over. She runs diversity-driven Sydney comedy room Wolf Comedy and tweets from @karaschlegl.