The cheating scandal that has engulfed Australian cricket is showing no signs of slowing down. Every new day brings with it a new twist, each more dramatic than the last. Players are feuding, sponsors are jumping ship, and politicians are fall over themselves to condemn the incident and distract everyone from all the terrible things that they’ve been doing.

“It’s a national disgrace is what it is, to the electric chair with the lot of them,” said Malcolm Turnbull, probably.

If you didn’t hear about the initial story, you can catch up using our handy explainer. But the short version is that during last weekend’s third test against South Africa, rookie player Cameron Bancroft used what he said at the time was a piece of yellow tape to rough up one side of the ball, in an attempt to affect the way it moves through the air and make it harder for the opposition batsman to hit.

This is called “ball-tampering” and it is definitely not allowed.

When it was pointed out to him by one of his teammates that his actions had been caught on camera, Bancroft panicked and attempted to hide the yellow tape in his undies.

This was also caught on camera.

Australian Cricket has been shamefully caught ball tampering.

Cricket great @ShaneWarne and others have condemned the action.

How far up the chain of command does the cheating go? pic.twitter.com/Cjtj5j6gtg

— Sunrise (@sunriseon7) March 24, 2018

Australian captain Steve Smith later told reporters that the team’s “leadership group” helped devise the plan.

They were naughty cricket boys, and now they’re facing the consequences.

 

The Sanctions

On Wednesday, an investigation by Cricket Australia determined that Bancroft, Smith and vice-captain David Warner were the only people who knew about the plan in advance. Smith and Warner have both been hit with 12 month suspensions, with Cricket Australia finding that it was Warner who “developed” the plan, and that he even demonstrated to Bancroft how to scuff up the ball. Bancroft, for his part, has been suspended for nine months.

In addition to their suspensions, Warner has also been prohibited from ever holding a leadership role in the team again, while Smith will not be considered for a leadership position for at least one year after his suspension comes to an end. Both men have also been had their Indian Premier League contracts torn up. Given they were each set to earn $2.4 million with the IPL next season, this might actually be the biggest blow of all.

It’s worth noting that Australian coach Darren Lehmann will remain in his job, with Cricket Australia finding that he knew nothing about the players’ plan.

The other weird detail that came out of the investigation is that the item used by Bancroft was not tape, but sandpaper. Why he chose to lie about this, of all things, isn’t really clear. Maybe he just didn’t want to admit to stuffing sandpaper down his dacks?

The Response

Naturally, the reputations of Smith, Warner and Bancroft are in absolute tatters. They’ve been slammed by ex-players, politicians, journalists and basically every cricket fan from here to the West Indies — although there are some people that think the length of their suspensions are too long. Most of these people, unsurprisingly, are Australian.

Sponsors are already taking steps to distance themselves from the players. ASICS have ended their relationship with both players, while Warner has been dropped by electronics company LG. Images of Smith has also been scrubbed from the Weet-Bix website. And you know how the old cricketing expression goes: when you’ve lost Weet-Bix… you’re fucked (it’s a common expression, look it up).

The situation is obviously taking its toll on the players, and members of the team are apparently furious with Warner in particular. “It’s understood Warner has removed himself from the players’ group on ‘WhatsApp’,” reported The Australian on Tuesday.

Yesterday at dinner, to try to emphasise to my grandparents & parents how seriously pissed Warner was about the whole being blamed thing I said “yeah apparently he’s left the group chat” and MAN did I not pick my audience on that one

— sammy ? (@samantor) March 28, 2018

does anyone believe the australian team didn’t already have a secret group chat without david warner in it

— smashing bundies and slinging hundies (@mindymanzudo) March 27, 2018

So Has Australia Done This Before?

Maybe the biggest question to come out of all of this is has Australia pulled this shit before? Smith has said this is the first time the team has attempted something like this, but of course he would say that. It doesn’t help that footage has emerged of Bancroft putting what appeared to be sugar in his pockets during the Ashes — although News Corp has since reported that it was just chewing gum.

 

Speaking to the BBC, former England captain Andrew Flintoff alleged that the Australian team has been cheating for “years and years”.

“Australia attempted a lot of times to be ‘poor us, we’re fine, we don’t cross the mark’,” said Flintoff. “But you do lads to be honest, you’ve done it for years and years and years and now you’re getting found out.”

“What we’ve seen is cheating, there’s no two ways about it.”