Archaeologists Have Found The World’s Oldest Dick Graffiti

Archaeology has a bad rap as a boring, stuffy profession reserved for the kind of people who spent their lunchtimes in the library instead of outside playing handball with everyone else. Little did we know that those quiet, unassuming nerds were preparing themselves for the greatest calling of all; unveiling the history of humanity as it is told through that most universal of mediums — depictions of dicks.

All over the world, they hunt these representations of dicks. From the jungles of the Amazon to the wind-swept wastes of the Mongolian steppe, they seek them. In vast, overgrown temples to long-dead Gods and in the humble foundations of mud-brick huts, they seek them. Drawings, carvings, engravings, scribblings — myriad dicks, depicted in myriad ways. They never pause, never rest, in their endless, noble quest.

And now their efforts have borne fruit: a team of archaeologists on the Greek island of Astypalaia in the Aegean Sea have uncovered what are believed to be the world’s oldest carvings of dicks.

Dating to the fifth or sixth centuries BC, the dicks are the oldest erotic graffiti ever discovered, and are accompanied by a number of inscriptions left by ancient Greek Islanders who wanted generations yet unborn to know the prowess of their boning skills. According to expedition leader Dr Andreas Vlachopoulos, one of the inscriptions reads: “Nikasitimos was here mounting Timiona (Νικασίτιμος οἶφε Τιμίονα)”.

That is the power of history — to remind you that thousands of years before your ancestors were born, the sons of lost civilisations stood where you stand now and did stuff to each other’s butts. Time is a flat circle upon which Greek men have sex with each other and then brag about it by carving dicks into a rock.

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Image via The Guardian.