‘Anyone But You’ Will Haunt Me, I Know It 

Anyone But You, the new rom-com starring possible industry plants Sydney Sweeney and Glen Powell is almost here and I already know it’s going to bad. Not so bad it’s good, just bad.

Even now, prior to the film’s release, the discourse is not in the movie’s favour. Powell and Sweeney were rumoured to be having an affair (which they have both denied). The film has also been subjected to sneaky reshoots.

But if you think that’s why this film is already on my nerves, listen close: I don’t care for trite celebrity bonings and a film undergoing reshoots is akin to a Kardashian having surgery — business as usual. No, it’s Anyone But You’s storyline – from its ALLEGED Shakespearean roots, to Australian setting – that gets me.

What we know about the movie is that Ben (Powell) and Bea (Sweeney) once dated, but it didn’t end well. They find themselves reunited when they’re each invited to a mutual friend’s destination wedding in Australia — along with both of their respective exes. So, the pair agree to pretend to be each other’s wedding dates to avoid the humiliation of appearing single in front of their former lovers. Hijinks ensue.

Now, I genuinely despise every single aspect of what we know about this accursed film’s “plot”. Firstly, that its set in Sydney, secondly that it involves fake dating in the year of our lord 2023, and thirdly, that it is supposedly “based” on Shakespeare’s Much Ado About Nothing.

Firstly, the Sydney thing: when has anything made by Americans about Australia been anything short of a joke? Think Kangaroo Jack, The Simpsons’ ‘Bart vs Australia’ episode, Our Lips Are Sealed, or literally 95 percent of any Australian characters that have been written by Americans. Given this history, how am I supposed to be excited about any movie made by Americans about Australia, let alone Anyone But You?

Secondly, why the hell do two straight white people have to pretend to date in 2023? Neither Ben nor Bea appear to come from a culture where any such strict expectation is thrust upon them. There are literally no stakes. It’s not like a date is a condition of entry to this wedding. So, really, you don’t need to pretend. So, if the issue really is just being embarrassed about being single, grow a backbone! You’re grown adults!

Lastly, this movie really thinks it can encroach on the territory of 10 Things I Hate About You? The greatest rom-com based on a Shakespeare play of all time? The Anyone But You filmmakers really think that nicknaming some chemistry-less characters after the protagonists of Much Ado About Nothing, then having them recite PG-13 porno dialogue in a glorified NSW tourism advertisement is going to compete with Heath Ledger and Julia Stiles in 10 Things I Hate About You? Please.

Am I going to see Anyone But You when it comes out next month? Of course, but that’s only because my favourite pastime is being proven right.