An Exclusive Breakdown Of All Future Services Offered By Google’s Definitely Not Evil Rebrand, Alphabet

This week, one of the most profitable and well-recognised companies in the world decided to totally rebrand itself. And while that in itself seems worthy of discussion, most of the focus has so far been on their new chosen name: something that ingeniously both has total power over the entire spectrum of written communication, and is yet also innocuous enough to be associated with toddlers talking to TV frogs.

What was once Google is now Alphabet.

Though the iconic search engine will remain unchanged for users, it’ll now come under the purview of this newly-created parent organisation, and its current holdings will all be transferred to the new name. This has come as a shock to small businesses such as Alphabet Plumbing in Arizona, Alphabet Record Company in Texas, and Alphabet Photography in Ontario who, ironically, may soon have trouble showing up to their customers on Google search results; but it’s been good news for investors, whose stock surged after the announcement.

The company’s new domain at abc.xyz — because BMW wouldn’t sell them alphabet.com — came with an opening letter from Google-turned-Alphabet) CEO Larry Page, which explained the move further:

“We’ve long believed that over time companies tend to get comfortable doing the same thing, just making incremental changes,” he wrote. “But in the technology industry, where revolutionary ideas drive the next big growth areas, you need to be a bit uncomfortable to stay relevant. Our company is operating well today, but we think we can make it cleaner and more accountable.”

But this — a mission to be simple, relatable, and Down To Earth — is all coming from a company who have vested interests in nearly every industry imaginable, make it their personal mission to map the world (and your movements within it), and have regularly run into legal trouble for things like dodgy data collection. Just as making their slogan “don’t be evil” led to people suspecting they were in fact evil, many have approached Alphabet with caution:

guys guys "google" is still the verb, "alphabet" is now the noun you curse for co-opting your entire livelihood

— Casey Johnston (@caseyjohnston) August 10, 2015

Eric Schmidt: "Remember your 'don't be evil' promise, guys" Larry & Sergey: "Huh? That was the old company. Bring in the robot soldiers!"

— dan barker (@danbarker) August 10, 2015

This, the goliath company who have literally waged a war on death, is now represented by a scattered collection of child’s building blocks:

Now a damning document revealed exclusively to Junkee — and definitely not dreamt up by some over-caffeinated person with too much time on their hands — has revealed the full extent of this new business plan.

–

Draft Rollout Plan For Alphabet

(August 11, 2015; to come into effect July 2017)

A is for Abacus!

A dynamic new arm of our business enabling you to roll all your banking and credit facilities into one handy platform. No need for annoying account fees! No need for currency exchange! Just an all-in-one service where we keep all your cash in the Goolgeplex and allow seamless transitions between your online shopping and the account that covers your mortgage repayments.

–

B is for Book-o-Rama! 

Sick of going to different stores to rifle through heavy books that have been published by mysterious publishing houses? We fixed it! Book-o-Rama is your one-stop-shop selling digital versions of every known title in the world for 50c a pop. We also offer book contracts for as much as $1,000! Get in touch!

–

C is for Cops and Robbers!

In the interest of convenience and transparency, we’ll be compiling all current government records, police files and live radio services into one platform that acts both as a handy service for law enforcement officers as well as a fun game for civilians. Solve crimes like Serial! Listen along to internal transmissions and turn up to crime scenes like Batman! Together, we can crowdsource peace.

–

D is for Ding Dong! 

To ensure customer satisfaction with our services, we’ll be rolling out a new initiative that will see our users presented with a 10-minute in-person survey each and every morning. Ding dong! Who’s there? It’s us! Again. Ha. Ha.

–

E is for Explosions! 

We all know the wonder that small, controlled explosions inspired in us during high school chemistry class, don’t we? Now we’re bringing a little bit of that feeling into adult life! Explosions will be our dedicated nuclear weapons lab.

–

F is for Facebook!

Due to the popularity of the service and an inexplicable lack of appreciation for circles, we’ve suspended Google+ in favour of this (obviously lesser) alternative.

–

G is for Google!

You know us already, silly!

–

H is for Home Is Where The Heart Is! 

In an effort to eradicate homelessness by 2020, Home Is Where The Heart Is will set up each and every person with their own Alphapod — a unique custom-fitted 2mx2m shelter that they must be confined within for a minimum of twelve hours per day.

–

I is for Instagram!

This is another new acquisition in our company changeover, however it’ll come with a few bonus additions. Now, each photo will be automatically hashtagged #Alphabet and each subject within said photos will be automatically catalogued by full name, address, and relationship status!

–

J is for Jenga!

As our Alphapods won’t facilitate the needs and uses of shops or businesses, we’ve also started a large-scale construction project. Jenga — much like the fun game! — works on the principle of space maximisation and as such, our expansive office blocks (coming to most capital cities) will be stacked right against one another. With this goal in mind, we’ll also be working with local councils to reduce the size of sidewalks to a smidge more than the average shoulder-width.

–

K is for Kidz!

Access to affordable and accessible childcare has been a problem for far too long. To combat this, our new in-house service will be offering hugely discounted rates for Jenga workers with highly professional carers. All children and infants will be ruthlessly schooled in the values and principles of the Alphabet.

–

L is for Lolcats!

Following on from our work with Google Glass, we’ve developed groundbreaking technology that allows YouTube™ to be directly streamed into your mind upon cognitive request. This nifty innovation is delivered via a new microchip which is inserted in your brain stem. It cannot physically be removed for about 10 years.

–

M is for Monopoly!

Remember that fun family board game from the Parker Brothers you love? This is the facet of our company which focusses on hostile takeovers.

–

N is for Never Give Up! 

To deliver back to the community that makes all this possible, we’ve developed a hotshot team of medical researchers who are on track to finding the cure to a vast array of devastating terminal diseases. They do, however, need a number of subjects for various drug trials. If someone in your family is ill, even a slight cold, please wheel them on over. We’ll gladly take them off your hands.

–

O is for Ocean Cleanup Project!

Sustainability and environmental conservation should be a primary concern of any major corporation. That’s why Alphabet’s giving back and dredging up all that messy sea life to make room for an ocean-wide bed of water turbines to power our growing businesses and community projects.

–

P is for Project Robo-Rat Army!

Actually, you don’t need to worry about that. Just forget we even mentioned it.

–

Q is for Quidditch Camp! 

Building from our already well-documented love of JK Rowling’s much-loved fictional game, we’ll be offering teenagers the opportunity to participate in a complimentary three-month long Quidditch Camp each and every year. Here, they’ll learn how to dodge Bludgers, catch the Golden Snitch, and ruthlessly defend the Googleplex against enemies of the Alphabet state.

–

R is for Ring-a-Ring Of Roses!

In this, our very first horticultural program, we’ll finally be finding a way to make nature work for us. Can flowers be engineered to support surveillance technology or host public wifi? Can trees emit gases other than oxygen and carbon dioxide? We don’t know, but we can’t wait to find out!

–

S is for Spaceships! 

Google Maps was one small step for man, now we’re taking another big one for mankind. Spaceships will be an upcoming project in which we boldly take on the next frontier. Pending the number of applications for those to drive the small spacecrafts, conscription may eventually be introduced.

–

T is for Twitter!

Our entire business is set up on 26 characters; why not expand to 114 more! CEO Jack Dorsey has signed on to a lucrative new contract and is now working out of the exclusive new office in our basement.

–

U is for Unicorn Research Division! 

A refusal to accept conventional thought processes has been at the heart of everything Google has achieved since its inception. Now, our new animal testing facility will tackle one of humanity’s great unanswered questions: is there any way to make real unicorns and how exactly do we harvest their blood?

–

V is for Vide-o-Rama! 

With all the world’s biggest stars and most acclaimed filmmakers, Alphabet will soon be launching its own in-house production facility! Combatting the industry’s previous valorisation of false idols, the first year of work will be dedicated to biopics of Larry Page and re-makes of The Internship.

–

W is for Waterfalls! 

Why mess about with pesky water bills when you can get your water straight from its natural source? Inspired by the recent cinematic exploits of George Miller, we’ll be setting up tranquil waterfalls all over major townships and cities in lieu of the existing household facilities.

–

X is for X-Ray! 

Named in celebration of its total transparency, X-Ray will be our new global database of medical records accessible to any physician in the world. No longer will doctors have to source outside files! No longer will diagnoses be missed through clerical errors! No longer will you have to wonder about the history of your new partner’s sexual health! The entire thing is available to the public online.

–

Y is for Yello! 

Ha, not the colour! This is our telecommunications service. It’s less than half the price of all other competitors, and includes free mobile handsets in exchange for your implied consent to data harvesting and the cataloguing of content of all your calls.

 

Z is for Zombie Cyborg Apocalypse Unit!

Just in case.

–

Please direct any further questions to our new spokespeople Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson.

–