A Scientific Study Has Compared Bearded Hipsters To Monkeys And The Media Are Loving It

For years now, the media have examined “the hipster” in the same methodical way that scientists study evolution.

What are they? Where do they live? Where did they come from? How hygienic are they? What do they do? What do their strange customs signify? Why do they look the same? Can they save the world? Should we be thankful for them? Are you one? Oh wait, maybe they’re extinct now? Yes, Etsy killed them. Or it’s because of history. Or they killed the American Dream. Maybe Morgan Freeman is involved in some way.

You probably clocked out of this debate five or six years ago, and honestly, I applaud you for that. But now, I have to ask that you duck back in for just one moment. Last week, a study was released from The University of Western Australia where an actual evolutionary scientist has examined why men grow large beards, suggesting in a very forthright way that it’s because they’re all pretty much monkeys.

Of course, with their dual love of hipster bashing and stock pictures of bearded men looking quizzical, the media can not fucking deal.

“Are beards ‘in’ again because guys are under pressure? Maybe,” reads the awkwardly indecisive first line of the study’s media release. “New research suggests that the more competition a fellow has to deal with, the more flamboyant he gets. Or at least that’s the case in primates, according to an international group of researchers led by The University of Western Australia’s Dr Cyril Grueter.”

Dr Greuter’s paper suggests that men grow elaborate beards for the same reason proboscis monkeys have elongated noses, orang-utans have puffy cheeks, and hamadryas baboons have giant grey afros: to get the ladiez. And, after examining 154 species of primates, the study concluded that these features occurred more regularly in areas of dense population as males face off against one another; a finding which will make an uncanny amount of sense to anyone who’s ever set foot in Fitzroy or Surry Hills.

In the face of this discovery, it was hard for many to temper their excitement:

“Is this the real reason big beards are back in fashion?” asked News.com.au.

“We know about the hipster beard phenomenon, which has led to products like beard oil, but could there be an evolutionary basis for all the excess facial hair?” asked International Business Times.

“Why are so many dudes growing beards?” MTV postured. “Scientists (and monkeys) have the answer.”

“WE FINALLY HAVE THE ANSWERS,” declared The Huffington Post, Yahoo News, CNBC, Gizmodo, Tech Times, The Daily Mail, Bustle, Complex, and The New Zealand Herald. 

The Telegraph — a UK publication that still pulls in 2.3 million readers per day — even called it “one of the great mysteries of the age”.

And, while I love David Beckham being earnestly compared to a horny orang-utan as much as the next person, the hype on this one seems a bit much. The evolution of humankind is of course eternally interesting, but if you wanted a study about why people find beards attractive, I could have quite quickly directed you to a variety of Tumblrs devoted to Attractive Bearded Men, Bearded Men In Suits, Boys With Beards With Cats, or this single gif of Nick Offerman.

You’re welcome, world.