A Mean Ranking Of The ‘Harry Potter And The Cursed Child’ Grown-Up Character Portraits

In case you missed it, J.K. Rowling decided to (maybe) ruin your childhood by allowing the existence of a new chapter of the Harry Potter canon: a play called Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, set 19 years after the events of the last book. The play, which is set to open in the U.K on July 30, sees Harry, Ron and Hermione all grown up and with kids of their own. Instead of fighting the darkest and most dangerous wizard of all time, they are fighting work deadlines and lack of sleep.

The synopsis of the Cursed Child reads:

“It was always difficult being Harry Potter and it isn’t much easier now that he is an overworked employee of the Ministry of Magic, a husband, and father of three school-age children.

While Harry grapples with a past that refuses to stay where it belongs, his youngest son Albus must struggle with the weight of a family legacy he never wanted. As past and present fuse ominously, both father and son learn the uncomfortable truth: sometimes, darkness comes from unexpected places.”

I mean, that sounds like a play about life admin to me, but maybe it’ll be good!

What has been exciting is the release of family portraits of the cast in character. Here is a ranking because in the internet age, everything must be ranked:

3. The Malfoys. 

Here is Draco Malfoy (Alex Price) and his son, Scorpius (Anthony Boyle). It’s unclear why they’ve decided to make adult Malfoy look exactly the same as his dad Lucius Malfoy? A person who has grown up with a dad who rocked such a magnificent, long silvery mane would never try to replicate said mane. In short, his hair is dumb. Maybe this is why Draco looks so upset? The one upside is his fantastically sculpted stubble, which makes him look like a cross between a Golden-Eye era Bond villain, a Eurovision contestant from 1987, and a current Russian politician/figure skater. Scorpius looks nervous as hell, R U OK Scorpius?

(But where is Draco’s wife, Astoria Greengrass? Is that why Draco is so mad? Is this play about wizard divorce? Oh boy.)

2. The Potters. 

Here is Harry Potter (Jamie Parker), Ginny Weasley (Poppy Miller) — I don’t want to believe she changed her last name, okay — and their youngest son with an incredibly loaded name, Albus Severus (Sam Clemmett). Everything about this portrait is exactly as one would imagine it, which I guess means it is a success, as humans are savage monsters who never want anything to change.

I’m into Ginny’s powder-blue jumper situation and how grumpy Harry looks. Albus Severus seems very nervous, possibly because he serves as a human reminder to the older generation of two well-meaning, but duplicitous men who are dead now (side note: are those Slytherin robes? Oh boy).

1. The Weasleys. 

This is the family you want to know! This is the family who makes all those other grumpy English bastards look like Dickensian nightmares! Look how they smile! Look at how attractive they all are (is that why they’re so happy?)! Ron Weasley (Paul Thornley) is probably wearing a Weasley jumper, Hermione Granger (Noma Dumezweni) is rocking some pleated number that looks like it’s from Alpha 60 and oh yeah, is played by a woman of colour (yay!). Rose (Cherrelle Skeete) looks like a cool teen from Instagram. I love this family so much. This is the winning family, case closed.

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Images via Pottermore Twitter.