12 Signs That Everyone Was Really Drunk At The Golden Globes

The Golden Globes have a reputation for being the loosest event in Hollywood’s award season, largely because they’re the only one where famous folks get to sit alongside a personal bucket of Moet. Today’s ceremony lived up to that reputation: from slurred speeches to pube talk to barefoot presentations, everyone was at least partly plastered on champagne and vodkas, which is probably something that should be mandatory at all Hollywood award functions. Your move, Oscars.

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E!’s producers got the drunk ball rolling with some entertaining “fun facts” 

I’m no fun master, but surely that fact about the guy who secretly took his balls out in Teen Wolf is way more fun?

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The bit where Jennifer Lawrence Godzilla’d at Taylor Swift

Given her past experience with losing her footing at glamorous events, Jennifer Lawrence was extra careful this time as she navigated the red carpet in her fancy dress. And because she’s the greatest human who ever human’d, Jennifer Lawrence being “extra careful” looks like this:

I wish GIFs had sound. This one would be all like, “RRREOWWWR.” Later in the evening, J-Law won the Best Supporting Actress award for her role in David O. Russell’s American Hustle. When asked how she’d celebrate backstage, she said “I need to catch up on my drinking,” as if that wasn’t already happening.
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The bit where Jacqueline Bisset quietly lost her mind

The 69-year-old British actress has been working in the film biz for almost 50 years, making her proper debut in Roman Polanksi’s classic thriller, Cul-De-Sac. With all that practise, you’d think she’d be good at remembering shit. Unfortunately, not really:

“Scottish background to the front”, indeed.

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The bit where Aaron Paul had Jesse Pinkman Tourette’s

Nerds the world over celebrated, because Breaking Bad finally scored its first award wins ever — Bryan Cranston took out the prize for ‘Best Male Actor in a TV Series – Drama’, and the show got the nod for ‘Best TV Series – Drama’. Accepting the award on-stage, Aaron Paul did that thing he does:

 

He’s basically Stephanie Tanner now. Pull the string!

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The bit where Diane Keaton scared all the little children

Because Woody Allen’s too busy playing clarinet in his dungeon, it was left to his one-time muse Diane Keaton to collect the filmmaker’s Cecil B. DeMille lifetime achievement award. For some reason, she thought it was a good idea to spontaneously break into song while doing so:

 

Are you surprised? Diane Keaton’s always drunk, it’s the best thing about her (not including her suits).

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The bit where Jordan Catalano talked about his own pubes

The fact that Jared Leto won an award for his portrayal of a transgender woman in Dallas Buyer’s Club is even more impressive considering the guy’s spent the past six years or so being the WORLD’S WORST ROCKSTAR. His speech was pretty interesting, though, especially the bit about his pubes:

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The bit where Emma Thompson kicked off her heels and knocked back a martini

Easily the classiest drunk in attendance.

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The bit where Amy Poehler made out with Bono

Finally, Leslie Knope won an award! And as a reward, she got to make out with the celebrity of her choosing!  

I don’t know, is that a reward? She could’ve picked Aziz, she could’ve picked Rob Lowe, she could’ve picked Tom Hanks… She won, but I think she really lost.

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The bit where Tina Fey introduced Leonardo DiCaprio with the best line ever

It’s okay, Leo gave it the thumbs up.

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The bit where Andy Samberg won and everyone was like, “What the f**k kinda awards show is this, I’m so druuuunk…”

Okay, no real drunkenness here, just a lot of confusion and a Joanna Newsom shout-out. JOANNA NEWSOM SHOUT-OUT!

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The bit where P. Diddy pissed off everybody

The Bad Boy legend seemed to be enjoying the night in his slick Rat Pack tux, but maybe too much. First, Usher had to push him out of the way when he got all up in the guy’s presenting space:

And then he got a bit too close to Bono, who wasn’t feeling his Ciroc breath:

Also, now in slo-mo:

Nice knowing you, Usher + Bono — people have been whacked for much less.

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Even the people watching at home were drunk, and by “people”, of course I mean Mia Farrow:

Good plan, Mia.

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And here’s the full list of nominees with winners highlighted, just in case you were drunk too:

Best Supporting Actress
Sally Hawkins, Blue Jasmine
Jennifer Lawrence, American Hustle
Lupita Nyong’o, 12 Years A Slave
Julia Roberts, August: Osage County
June Squibb, Nebraska

Best Supporting Actress in a TV Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture
Jacqueline Bisset, Dancing on the Edge
Janet McTeer, White Queen
Hayden Panettiere, Nashville
Monica Potter, Parenthood
Sofia Vergara, Modern Family

Best TV Miniseries or Movie
American Horror Story: Coven
Behind the Candelabra
Dancing on the Edge
Top of the Lake
White Queen

Best Actress in a TV Miniseries or Movie
Helena Bonham Carter, Burton and Taylor
Rebecca Ferguson, White Queen
Jessica Lange, American Horror Story: Coven
Helen Mirren, Phil Spector
Elisabeth Moss, Top of the Lake

Best Actor in a TV Series, Drama
Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad
Liev Schreiber, Ray Donovan
Michael Sheen, Masters of Sex
Kevin Spacey, House of Cards
James Spader, The Blacklist

Best TV Drama
Breaking Bad
Downton Abbey
The Good Wife
Masters of Sex
House of Cards

Best Original Score
Alexander Ebert, All Is Lost
John Williams, The Book Thief
Steven Price, Gravity
Alex Heffes, Mandela: A Long Walk To Freedom
Hans Zimmer, 12 Years A Slave

Best Original Song
“Let It Go,” Frozen, by Idina Menzel
“Atlas,” The Hunger Games: Catching Fire, by Coldplay
“Please Mr. Kennedy,” Inside Llewyn Davis, by Justin Timberlake, et al
“Ordinary Love,” Mandela, by U2
“Sweeter Than Fiction,” One Chance, by Taylor Swift

Best Supporting Actor in a TV Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture
Josh Charles, The Good Wife
Rob Lowe, Behind the Candelabra
Aaron Paul, Breaking Bad
Corey Stoll, House of Cards
Jon Voight, Ray Donovan

Best Actress, Comedy/Musical
Amy Adams, American Hustle
Julie Delpy, Before Midnight
Greta Gerwig, Frances Ha
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Enough Said
Meryl Streep, August: Osage County

Best Actress in a TV Drama
Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife
Tatiana Maslany, Orphan Black
Taylor Schilling, Orange Is the New Black
Kerry Washington, Scandal
Robin Wright, House of Cards

Best Supporting Actor
Barkhad Abdi, Captain Phillips
Daniel Bruhl, Rush
Bradley Cooper, American Hustle
Michael Fassbender , 12 Years A Slave
Jared Leto, Dallas Buyers Club

Best Screenplay
Spike Jonze, Her
Bob Nelson, Nebraska
Jeff Pope and Steve Coogan, Philomena
John Ridley, 12 Years a Slave
David O. Russell and Eric Singer, American Hustle

Best Actor, TV Series Comedy
Jason Bateman, Arrested Development
Don Cheadle, House of Lies
Michael J. Fox, The Michael J. Fox Show
Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory
Andy Samberg, Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Best Foreign Language Film
Blue Is The Warmest Color (France)
The Great Beauty (Italy)
The Hunt (Denmark)
The Past (Iran)
The Wind Rises (Japan)

Best Actor in a TV Miniseries or Movie
Matt Damon, Behind the Candelabra
Michael Douglas, Behind the Candelabra
Chiwetel Ejiofor, Dancing on the Edge
Idris Elba, Luther
Al Pacino, Phil Spector

Best Animated Feature Film
The Croods
Despicable Me 2
Frozen

Best Actress in a TV Series, Comedy
Zooey Deschanel, New Girl
Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie
Lena Dunham, Girls
Julia Louis Dreyfus, Veep
Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreation

Best Director
Alfonso Cuaron, Gravity
Paul Greengrass, Captain Phillips
Steve Mcqueen, 12 Years A Slave
Alexander Payne, Nebraska
David O. Russell, American Hustle