While You Were Sleeping, We Got A New Prime Minister

Yep. That Happened.

The Coalition won 85 seats in the House Of Representatives, Labor won 54, The Greens won one, and there are still eight undecided.

But while it was a clean sweep of the lower house, Prime Minister Tony Abbott (that was a strange thing to type) is up against trouble in the Senate where the Coalition holds only 32 seats as of this morning, with 39 needed for majority. Independents and minor parties will again hold the balance of power in the upper house — including “the Senator for the donkeys“, Liberal Democrat David Leyonhjelm, and not including Julian Assange, who didn’t make the cut. The big swing towards the small guys makes Abbott’s threat of a double dissolution seem all the more likely — although according to election strategists on both sides of politics, the plan would probably backfire.

In his concession speech, Kevin Rudd announced he would step down from the party leadership, was mean to Bill Glasson, and managed to talk for like four hundred hours without thanking or even mentioning Julia Gillard once. Which was made all the more embarrassing by this:

Tony Abbott — the first unpopular Opposition Leader to ever win an election — took the stage flanked by three strangely-dressed daughters, and spent his speech rubbing it in: “I can inform you that the Australian Labor Party’s vote is at the lowest level in more than 100 years.”

Here’s what his old school chum, New York Times columnist Nicholas Kristof, had to say:

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Ja’mie: Private School Girl

Ja’mie King — the breakout beyatch of Chris Lilley’s Summer Heights High and We Can Be Heroes — is coming back to the ABC later this year for a new six-part series, which will track her final year spent back at Hillford Girls Grammar School.

“I find teenage girls endlessly funny,” Lilley says, “so being able to write for and play the meanest bitch in school has been so fun.”

Ja’mie: Private School Girl has been picked up by HBO in the States and BBC Three in the UK.

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And The Winner Is… Tokyo:

The International Olympic Committee announced on Saturday that the 2020 Summer Olympics will be hosted in Tokyo, which was chosen in the final round as a safer and more trouble-free option than Istanbul or Madrid. The Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe was flown in directly from the G20 Summit to reassure everyone that they would not die. “Some have worries about Fukushima. Let me assure you the situation is under control. It has never done, and will not do, any damage to Tokyo.”

“This is a good result for Australia,” said Australian Olympic Committee president John Coates. “We perform really well in Asia; it is going to be a lot easier for our athletes because of the time zone.”

In even better news, the IOC has restored wrestling to the list of official games. So we can look forward to a lot of this kind of thing:

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Eminem Is Still The Best At Promoting His Albums:

“What are you most excited about with this new album?”

“Um, nothing… I’ll probably be mostly excited to just be done with it.”

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This Is Just A Really Great Wedding Photo: