Victoria’s Constitutional Crisis, Explained By Space Jam

Welcome to the circus, son. Spring Street is gripped by a constitutional crisis, the entire Government of Victoria is on the brink of collapse.

Denis Napthine’s Coalition Government is hanging on by a thread, and their one-vote advantage on the floor has been negated by two feuding members: Controversial MP Geoff Shaw, who is threatening to support a vote to bring down the Government he was previously part of; and former Speaker Ken Smith, who is willing to see his own Government fall, if that’s what it takes to see Shaw booted.

These Honourable Members for Wherever-The-Hell-They’re-From are jumping the fence, voting with the enemy and threatening all manner of chaos and dysfunction. It should be really heavy, fascinating stuff — but largely we couldn’t care less.

Why? Well, state politics has rather the same affliction as The Wolf Of Wall Street: this potentially engaging story is killed by a largely forgettable cast. The characters have no depth, and we don’t even know who most of them are. It makes it difficult to empathise, to really give two shits about who lives and dies. Hell, it’s hard to find someone in Victoria who would recognise the Opposition Leader, let alone the cast of backbenchers and speakers you need to be across to really grasp this shambles.

If the characters were just a little more engaging — if they made us laugh sometimes — maybe things would be different. Perhaps restoring some public energy into this aging institution is as simple as telling the story using, say, the characters from the 1996 hit animated comedy, Space Jam.

Set in the heart of Looney Toon Land, Space Jam tells the story of a group of strange cartoon animals, taken hostage by a heinous evil crime lord who wants to use them to draw attention to his failed amusement park. Plot twists come in the form of surprise arrivals from unexpected places, and in the end the whole thing is decided in an epic — if violent — showdown. When you think about it, if you substitute basketball for no-confidence motions, it’s not far off the mark.

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Geoff Shaw as: Mister Swackhammer

Independent MP, or Evil Crime Lord?

The lunatic of the Christian Right, Geoff Shaw, took State Parliament hostage last year. Just like Loony Toon Land, he planned to turn the whole thing into a sinister tourist attraction, drawing attention to his own anti-abortion and homophobic campaigns. The now infamous Shaw first came to prominence by insulting a homosexual constituent, before quitting the Liberal party, being forced to repay thousands of misappropriated taxpayer dollars and, most recently, famously campaigning to protect ‘tummy eggs’ from abortion.

Shaw’s abortion campaigns have fallen flat, and he’s now deeply committed to a battle he’s no chance of winning, nominating as an independent for November’s election. Space Jam’s Swackhammer, whose plot to capture the Looney Tunes underscores the film, ends up being blasted into space by his former teammates, an option which must be appealing to our next character…

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Denis Napthine & Michael O’Brien as: The Monstars

Victorian Premier & Treasurer, or alien basketball team?

Just as the Monstars were not using their own basketball talents on the Space Jam court, neither were the Premier nor Treasurer elected to their positions. They were the fortuitous benefactors of former Premier Ted Baillieu’s surprise resignation in March last year. Baillieu faced an internal revolt following Shaw’s departure from the Liberal party, allowing Napthine to take the top job.

It came with strings attached though: Napthine and O’Brien are now forced to either team up with Shaw, or find themselves fouled off and sitting on the backbench.

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Daniel Andrews as: Bugs Bunny

State Opposition Leader, or Toon Squad Captain?

With the Parliament in turmoil, the head of Labor’s Parliamentary Toon Squad Daniel Andrews has to use his negotiation skills to convince the Coalition Monstars to play ball — in the form of an election. If either of the no-confidence motions currently proposed — one against Shaw, and the other against the entire Napthine Government — were to succeed, it may well result in an even earlier election than the one scheduled for November.

With the Parliament currently split perfectly down the middle, Andrews only needs one vote to make it happen — which is why he’s glad to have…

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Ken Smith as: Michael Jordan

Coalition MP and Former Speaker, or Toon Squad Star Recruit?

The former speaker never wanted to get involved. It was only when his term as Speaker was derailed — largely at Shaw’s behest — that he announced he would support Labor in a vote that would see Shaw expelled, and the Government potentially collapse. It’s a little like Jordan’s Space Jam experience. After all, he was done with the sport until the Monstars turned him into a basketball and bounced him round the place.

Revenge is a powerful motive…

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Alex Chernov as: Marvin The Martian

Victorian Governor, or animated match referee?

Poor Marvin is called in to referee the big game, and puts in a valiant effort to remain fair and balanced in his adjudication of what is, essentially, a rather violent and unedifying affair. Victorian Governor Alex Chernov, who has been called in to decide just what the rules are, is in a similarly unenviable spot.

Chernov has thus far been tightlipped on how a successful no-confidence motion would play out, but it looks like he will have to make a call a soon…

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With the Government now on the knife’s edge, the Labor Party appears to have enjoyed some of Michael Jordan’s “special drink”. They’ve been recharged with a mad confidence, hunting down Coalition MPs and challenging them to just bring this thing on. The vote of no-confidence in the Government, which could bring on an early election, is scheduled for next Tuesday. Every moment in between will be spent antagonising over the Constitution to work out exactly what all this means.

Unfortunately for the Coalition, it’s appearing less and less likely that they have the numbers to control the Parliament. If Space Jam taught a seven-year-old me anything, it’s that no matter how many handguns and explosives you bring onto the field, at the end of the day, the scoreboard is all that matters.

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Anthony Bieniak is a Melbourne writer and web designer with a background in refugee advocacy. You can find  his blog here, and his Twitter here.