Culture

The Second Republican Presidential Debate Is Over; What The Hell Just Happened?

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by Hannah Hawkins  17 September 2015

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The second US presidential debate for Republican Party — or GOP (Grand Old Party) — candidates has just wrapped up and, boy, do you have a lot of new favourite gifs. The eleven highest polling candidates took to the stage in California, battling it out over pivotal leadership ideas such as what their Secret Service code name would be, while awkwardly receiving high-fives and fist-bumps from next leader of the free world Donald Trump.

The first debate, which was held by Fox News in early August and peaked in old white dude when a gross sexist joke basically got a standing ovation, featured ten male Republicans, but this time they brought an entire woman to the show, so, you know, it’s been a diverse series so far.

The first Republican presidential debate set some incredibly high standards.

The troupe of conservative hopefuls didn’t even try to hold back in sledging the hell out of each other, and because of the debate rules that allow everyone to endlessly rebut one another, the serious issues facing ordinary American voters often got irretrievably lost in the mud — a thick, hideous mud that we waded through in an attempt to understand what the hell just happened.

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Carly Fiorina Threw Shade At Donald Trump Over His Love Of Criticising Women’s Faces

Not for the first time, Trump sparked outrage last week when he made some pretty gross remarks about a woman’s appearance — that of fellow Republican candidate Carly Fiorina. “Can you imagine that, the face of our next president?” he said, “I mean, she’s a woman, and I’m not supposed to say bad things, but really, folks, come on. Are we serious?”

When the pair faced-off during the debate, Trump tried to say he had been referring to her “persona,” to which Fiorina replied, “I think women all over this country heard very clearly what Mr. Trump said.”

Trump actually appeared embarrassed of himself for once, but avoided apologising because who do you think he is, and conceded, “I think she’s got a beautiful face, and I think she’s a beautiful woman.”

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Jeb Bush Awkwardly Admitted To Smoking Weed 40 Years Ago

Kentucky senator Rand Paul took the lead on discussing the country’s drug laws, fiercely defending the legalisation of cannabis use in particular, and condemning the current criminalisation system. “There is at least one prominent example of someone who’s said they’ve smoked [weed] in high school,” Paul said. “I would like to see more rehabilitation and less incarceration.”

Taking his cue, Jeb Bush nervously blurted out, “Forty years ago I smoked marijuana.”

“I’m sure that other people [on the debate] might have done it and might not want to say it in front of 25 million people.”

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Donald Trump Linked Vaccines To Autism, Because Of Course He Did

Trump said autism rates have risen so high it’s become “an epidemic,” and that some of his employees’ kids became autistic after receiving vaccines.

“You take this little beautiful baby, and you pump — I mean, it looks like just it’s meant for a horse and not for a child,” Trump said. “We had so many instances [in which] a child had a vaccine, and came back and a week back had a tremendous fever, got very very sick, and now is autistic.”

When CNN moderator Jake Tapper asked candidate Ben Carson, who is also a paediatric neurosurgeon, if he would tell Trump to please just stop, Carson said: “The fact of the matter is, we have extremely well-documented proof that there’s no autism associated with vaccinations.” He did, however, agree with Trump that smaller doses of vaccines should be given over a longer period of time.

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He Also Kept Trying To High-Five Everybody

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And Made Myriad Complex Facial Expressions In A Very Small Amount Of Seconds

The debate set some really high standards for Trump gifs. Like, where do we even go from here?

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Sometimes They Sort Of Discussed Policies

Sort of.

Due to the aforementioned rebuttal opportunities the candidates constantly indulged in, policy discussion was frequently derailed. They barely touched on the environment, and gave little indication about the details of their economic plans.

But what we did found out is that they all passionately hate Planned Parenthood, and believe, as men, they are the best policy makers concering women’s reproductive health; and that they all fervently disagree with each other about the minimum wage, drug policy, immigration and legacy of the Iraq War (Jeb Bush was especially defensive of that last one, for obvious reasons).

The Part Where Candidates Were Asked What Their Secret Service Code Names Would Be

Hoo, boy. Special shout out to Trump for choosing “Humble” of all bloody things, and Paul for possibly totally mishearing the question.

Christie: True heart
Kasich: Unit Two
Fiorina: Secretariat
Walker: Harley
Bush: Ever-ready
Trump: Humble
Carson: One-nation
Cruz: Cohiba
Rubio: Gator
Huckabee: Duck hunter
Paul: Just never sleeps

Rand Paul, every single night.

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Most People Just Wanted To Cry In The Shower Afterwards

And that was pretty much it. The next GOP presidential debate is being held on October 28 by CNBC, where the candidates will apparently discuss things, but we all know it’ll just be another brutally confusing whirlwind of backwards ideologies and expressive faces. Mostly expressive faces.