Seven Reasons Why You Should Tune Into The French Open
...from a complete novice. Anyone for tennis?
In his much-shared 2006 New York Times essay, ‘Federer As Religious Experience‘, author David Foster Wallace wrote: “TV tennis is to live tennis pretty much as video porn is to the felt reality of human love.” Well, the next two weeks are pretty much set to be a total f**k-fest then, because the French Open just began transmitting images from Roland Garros this past weekend.
According to Wikipedia, the French Open is considered to be the most physically demanding tennis tournament in the world, due to the heavy surface; the slow, long rallies; and the stomach-churning temptation of seeing galleries full of spectators casually chewing on croissants and baguettes. But it’s also apparently exciting for a number of other reasons. Let us, tennis novices, try to understand why…
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1. The surface
The French Open is the world’s premiere clay court tournament. Did you know, though, that red clay courts aren’t in fact made of natural clay, but actually crushed brick? We did not know that. Regardless, watching the French Open should get this song stuck in your head.
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2. Rafael Nadal
The lovable Spaniard is the undisputed master of clay court tennis, having won seven tournaments over the past eight years (including the 2008 tournament, where he didn’t drop a set). What’s his secret to being such a dominant force at Roland Garros? Uh, eating Quelitas, we guess, whatever the hell they may be. Also, something about his left knee.
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3. The sliding
Sliding is a spectacular part of tennis at the French Open, thanks to the, well, slippery surface. It’s so spectacular that YouTube is full of slow-motion replays of Rafa doing just that. “Look at the clay flying up!” say the impressed commentators. Ooh! Wow!
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4. The line disputes
Line disputes shouldn’t really happen at Roland Garros, ’cause the ball generally leaves an imprint in the clay (well, unless you hit the ball like Andy Murray’s second serve. I don’t even know if that’s accurate, but oh snaps!). Sergiy Stakhovsky of Ukraine attempted to prove this point earlier today, when he whipped out a camera-phone at the end of a game and took a photo of where the ball landed to show the tournament supervisor later on. Oh, tennis players and technology.
People will Instagram any ol’ shit these days.
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5. The oldest player in the tournament
Kimiko Date-Krumm. She’s 42 years old. That’s about 126 in tennis years. According to the schedule, she’ll be playing ninth-seeded Aussie Sam Stosur tonight, if this information interests you.
This is Kimiko holding a trophy or an urn she retrieved from an archaeological dig.
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6. The youngest player in the tournament
That would be the 18-year-old Canberran, Nick Kyrgios. According to every local newspaper imaginable, he just scored a first round upset over “respected veteran Radek Stepanek“. I don’t know, though: “Um, tactics this, recovery that…”, he seems kinda boring. But anyway, good luck, kid.
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7. Memories of Michael Chang
I haven’t thought about Michael Chang since around 1993. This is what the French Open does to you; it sends you hurtling back to your misspent youth, like the ratatouille in Ratatouille. Anyway, here’s a grainy two-and-half-hour video of his legendary fourth round battle against favourite Ivan Lendl in 1989, the year Chang won the tournament. Look at him run! Also, I should note, the video is missing the last two games of the entire match, because YouTube video uploaders are jokesters.
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