The Conversations We’ll All Be Having About The Golden Globes This Week

So we’ve spent the summer holidays powering through the Boxing Day releases and finally catching up on that series we’ve always lied about having seen to avoid awkward conversations or social shaming. Mine was Twin Peaks, so if anyone’s keen to make outdated references about coffee and pie, I’m totally game.

But before the television industry graciously obliges us with our next hit of hyper-speed Parks and Recreation, and dangerously binge-able House of Cards, we must look back on the year that was. With the 72nd Golden Globes kicking off tomorrow at 12pm on FOX 8 (and the Oscars not too far behind with nominations announced next week), we have a few predictions. Like a slightly more impressive and much drunker Best Of 2014 list, here’s what the Golden Globes have in store for your next few conversations at the pub.

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“Tina Fey And Amy Poehler Can Do No Wrong”

Now hosting for the third time, your best friends and part-time spirit animals will be bringing the lols extra hard to make up for the fact that they’re abandoning you straight after. In what will be their final time hosting the annual celebrity shittalk-athon, Fey and Poehler will no doubt be taking aim at some of the year’s best targets.

Expect to see a few deserved jabs at Shia LaBeouf, a knowing parody of Wes Anderson, a mention of how much better Amy Poehler’s memoir is than Lena Dunham’s, a whole lot of stalker love for Benedict Cumberbatch, and one “OOFT”-inducing smackdown of Bill Cosby. Can you blame them? They’ve been trying to tell us about the guy for the past ten years. At this point, they can pretty much do whatever they want.

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“Man, I Really Need To Re-Watch Boyhood”

Unsurprisingly, Richard Linklater’s straight-up masterpiece Boyhood is up for a whole swag of awards including Best Picture (Drama), Best Director, Best Screenplay, Best Supporting Actress with Patricia Arquette and Best Supporting Actor with Ethan Hawke. Considering the film’s unprecedented technical ambition and monumental critical success, it’s bound to be a major talking point of the ceremony.

In terms of awards, Ethan Hawke’s up against the masterful J.K. Simmons from Whiplash so he can kiss that award goodbye but the film should at least bag a couple of others. Despite The Golden Globes site possibly maybe already revealing the winner of Best Picture to be civil rights drama Selma, Boyhood is hands-down my favourite for the top award. Considering the past two years have gone to historical/real-life stories with 12 Years A Slave and Argo, it would be refreshing to see a less political, more contemplative piece of cinema get recognised on the big stage.

Either way, once Linklater starts thanking trillions of people and Arquette beats Meryl Streep for her work in Into The Woods, you’re going to be hanging out for a re-watch.

TOO. REAL.

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“It’s Such A Crime [That Thing I Love] Got Snubbed”

The big one in this category is no doubt going to be The Grand Budapest Hotel. Despite being a runaway box office success and really broadening Wes Anderson’s cult following, odds are that it’s going to be pipped at the post for most awards. As much as it deserves to take out Best Picture (Comedy or Musical), the more recent and much-hyped Birdman is the hot favourite. In fact, with a star-studded cast, meta sense of humour, striking visual style and surreal subject matter, it’s really cramping Wes’ style. I’d say he’d be in with a shot for Best Director, but since he’s up against someone who bided his time perfecting a film for 12 years he really doesn’t stand much of a chance. Soz dude.

In the TV awards, Game of Thrones deserves to win for its cultural resonance alone, but will have some stiff competition from House Of Cards and even The Good Wife. With Bryan Cranston and Breaking Bad finally out of the way, Kevin Spacey’s almost guaranteed to come out on top in the TV actors stakes and Robin Wright may well get back-to-back recognition for her spine-tingling portrayal of Clare Underwood. If all this means GoT suffers yet another empty-handed year, be prepared to have your Newsfeed taken over by a whole lot of nerd rage.

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“I Hadn’t Even Heard Of Half Of The Nominees”

The problems with being a film buff in Australia are never quite as painfully pronounced as they are during awards season. Three of the five films for Best Drama are yet to be released in our cinemas and most of the TV offerings are exclusively licensed to Foxtel if not completely unavailable (in any legal way). The Golden Globes can be a great time to compose a list of Things You Really, Really Need To Watch but it’s super annoying if you actually want to be in the know.

Just look at Transparent. Since the Globes traditionally love to back less-established TV comedies, there’s a very good chance that this exciting, inventive and progressive show about a transgender father and their complex and entertaining family will win the top gong. But, despite premiering in February last year and being called “the show of the year” by Time, we’re yet to get our hands on it. There are promises that Channel Nine’s new streaming service will get an exclusive deal to the Amazon-produced show, but who knows when that will be.

If that doesn’t already enrage you, you should probably know that the lead character is played by Jeffrey Tambor of Arreseted Development fame. Spoiler: Pop Pop is definitely going to win the award for Best Actor.

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“Speaking Of, When Can I Get Myself Some Of This Crazy Michael Keaton Action?”

Because of this annoying disconnect between the US and Australia, we’re seriously behind on the outpouring of love for Birdman. This weird and wonderful film with its star-studded cast led by an uber self-referential Michael Keaton will be released in cinemas on January 15. But, considering the film’s in-jokey nature and the fact that it’s nominated for a whopping seven awards, you’re going to be really frustrated by the fact you haven’t seen it by the end of the ceremony.

Even though Ralph Fiennes deserves some serious love for somehow transforming himself from He Who Must Not Be Named to the uniquely camp and loveable Gustave H. in Grand Budapest, Michael Keaton is 100 percent going to take out the award for Best Comedy Actor for his batshit comeback for the ages.

Pre-book your tickets now.

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“Did You See How Drunk [Ricky Gervais/Bill Murray/Jennifer Lawrence/Unexpected Older Female Actress] Was?”

The Golden Globes may masquerade as some kind of prestigious industry event, but we know it’s really just an excuse to lob all of our favourite celebrities in a room together, ply them with free champagne, then point and laugh and the results. No matter who upsets who in the Best Picture category it’s guaranteed to not make as big of a splash as whatever funny shape Jennifer Lawrence decides to make with her face.

Personally, we’re hoping for an impromptu Bob Dylan cover from drunk Bill Murray but we’ll settle for something like this instead.

Keep your eyes on Meryl Streep.

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“I Can’t Wait Until The Next Season Of [That Show I’m Completely Addicted To]”

While 2014 was a pretty sweet year for film, the most exciting developments were actually seen in the realm of television. With platforms like Netflix and Amazon Instant Video hitting their stride with House of Cards, Orange Is The New Black and Transparent all picking up multiple nominations it’s clear that the medium is changing pretty quick. Best Mini-Series is even becoming an interesting award category with the likes of True Detective and Fargo blurring the lines between TV and cinema in inventive and interesting ways — for the record, my money’s going straight on McConaughey and Pizzolatto.

Either way, as the Oscars creep up and start whispering about how great Steve Carrell is in that film you haven’t seen yet, The Golden Globes are a great chance to examine what’s on the small screen. True Detective and Game of Thrones may be playing hard to get but with Parks and Recreation, Broad City, and Girls all premiering this week and House of Cards and Better Call Saul not too far behind in February, it’s safe to say that being a big fat couch potato has never looked so good.

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See the full list of nominees at The Golden Globes website. You can watch the ceremony from 12pm on FOX8 on Monday, January 12.