Welcome to our Thursday Recap of The Bachelorette — you can read Rebecca Shaw’s upsettingly funny recap from Wednesday here. We’ll be recapping every episode, because we are very passionate about love or TV or whatever.

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You know, maybe the search for true love is pointless.

Not because of the very real possibilities that love is a lie, dating is a Sisyphean punishment with an app, and monogamy only works for geese — although these are all compelling points — but because the Earth is going to be uninhabitable in like ten years. The oceans are boiling, the desserts are blowing away, the cities are full of rats and the sun is gonna explode.

Should we really be trying to find love, or should we be building a bunker and stocking it with seeds?

In this episode of The Bachelorette, we’re treated to the compelling point that romance is about finding a worthwhile partner to help you fight off the swarms of radioactive zombies during the apocalypse, that a pretty face, a bangin’ bod and some witty quips are all fine.

But will they help you get through doomsday unscathed?

I guess it’s good to plan ahead.

Or maybe love is such an unpleasant situation that it FEELS like the apocalypse, and this is about choosing another person to be metaphorically stuck in an arid wasteland with, desperately trying to survive on scrounged peas and puddles of muddy water, waiting to die.

Cool!

So, as always, let’s find out what terrible love lessons we can learn from this episode of The Bachelorette.

#1 Safely Punch And Kick Your Beloved To Assert Dominance

Last episode, the scarlet psychopath Charlie sat Ali down and did a big rant about how he thinks she’s an idiot and that only he has the pendulous limbs and hefty brain necessary to protect her from the various other men.

Ali did not let it lie, telling him that “she’s got it”. Whether or not the lesson got through to his over-heated, humid brain remains to be seen.

So, she took him on a date and proceeded to kick the shit out of him.

“I’m in the driver’s seat, not him” she announced, before punching him a lot.

“Wow, you’re good,” he said, befuddlement spreading across his stupid wide face like blue-green algae across an Australian waterway (it’s a thing, look it up).

“Why are you surprised?” she answers.

I think a lot of people underestimate Ali, she can be pretty cool. I guess maybe the act of throwing yourself onto the coals of the reality dating world THRICE makes people really doubt your intelligence and sanity.

So anyway, she basically physically cowed Charlie with her kickboxing abilities, while not harming him (that’s not cool), so I guess the lesson is show men who is boss if they think you are an idiot.

#2 Steal Staples From Your Rivals

For the group date, Osher made everyone run around and steal basic foodstuffs from each other, in a kinda doomsday prep scenario. Osher screaming “Happy Doomsday” is honestly a MOOD when it comes to dating.

Very quickly two teams emerged, based around the main rivalry of Charlie and Bill, and to a lesser extent, Paddy, because Paddy is clearly a character that was pulled straight from Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels and just wants some biffo.

It’s unclear who won, but none of the guys wanted to team up with Todd, because he “wore too much moisturiser”. Number 1, you don’t “wear” moisturiser, it’s not a fashionable sweater. You apply it, you use it. And he looks like an ageless Disney prince, so whatever.

And, not only is his skin soft and supple, it meant that he got to hold hands with Ali the entire time, so when all the other dudes ended up in fisticuffs, he was just having a nice time. Probably a good lesson in life, and in the apocalypse.

Sure, stealing salt and pepper and flour from your rivals might seem sensible, but it’s better to just hang out.

Meanwhile, the biffo was very embarrassing.

“Bill has just ripped off my shirt, I’ve got holes everywhere, it’s like being in a fight with a cat,” said Paddy.

Osher had to run after them all, clapping his hands and yelling “cut that out, stop that” like an exasperated dog owner at the park, when those big humping rings start occurring.

 

#3 Mispronounce Basic Words

I don’t know if there’s really a lesson in all of this, but these doofuses — doofi — do not know how to say apocalypse, and it’s DELIGHTFUL.

Honestly, I feel better about these silly boys. I feel almost paternal.

#4 Beef Up Your Wrists Like A MAN

Beautiful Todd was passed a jar which he struggled to open.

This set off a wonderful chain reaction of toxic masculinity and latent homophobia, as his failure to beat a jar with his manly hands was universally deemed “embarrassing”. Let’s forget about the fact that this guy probably has zero body fat and the sculpted torso of a well-preserved Grecian statue, because he could NOT dominate some brined olives! What a CUCK.

Obviously, there’s some stuff going on here with the fact that he’s the prettiest of the boys, as well as the most “feminine” in nature (read: not a fucking psychopath). Honestly, men are exhausting, I’m exhausted.

#5 Don’t Speak At All

I’m SORRY.

But has there ever been a Bachelor or Bachelorette contestant who has remained SUCH a whomst for so long as “Daniel”? How has this guy managed to just wander around doing nothing and existing only in the periphery of shots, like one of those ghosts on The Haunting Of Hill House, except wildly generic?

And more importantly, now that big personalities with names that I know like Paddy and to a much lesser extent, Dan, have been kicked out (they get kicked out) — is this a strategy that’s WORKING? He’s managed to get really far in the competition by doing absolutely nothing at all. I understand that he got a date last week, but that’s not really much to hinge upon.

Could he win the competition simply by coasting under the radar?

Has Ali forgotten who he is? Is that how he’s managed to get this far?

Maybe the lesson in romance is to be so bland and camouflaged, so unassuming and un-confronting, that the object of your affection forgets that they aren’t in love with you. We’ll see how he goes, I guess.

The Bachelorette is on every Wednesday and Thursday night, and Junkee will be recapping every episode like idiots.

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Patrick Lenton is the Entertainment Editor at Junkee. He tweets @patricklenton.