The 20 Highest Selling Songs Of 2014 So Far, Reviewed In Under 70 Words

‘Swing’: Joel Fletcher Feat. Savage

Back in my days, DJs were bespectacled middle-age tech geeks who didn’t appear in their videos, hid behind pseudonyms, and released white labels.

‘All of Me’: John Legend

Did you know John Legend was named by Kanye West because Kanye thought he sang like a legend? Fair enough then.

‘Que Sera’: Justice Crew

Somewhere in your city there’s a guy in a rock band that hasn’t played a gig for eighteen months whinging about how Justice Crew are a bunch of manufactured reality show major label bullshit. Meanwhile, these lads are crammed in a minivan pushing through a punishing touring schedule that makes Springsteen look soft: sharing shitty hotel rooms, visiting tin-can radio stations in towns without mobile reception, all the while pretending like they aren’t sleeping with absolutely everyone along the way.

‘Rude’: Magic!

Remember when Snow’s ‘Informer’ came out and everyone was seemingly fine with a white Canadian singing in a Jamaican accent like he’d just been puffing blunts on the beaches of Kingston? Well, this is exactly like that. Seeing the vocalist for the first time is like when you find out Bart Simpson is voiced by a middle-aged woman. Jah bless.

‘Happy’: Pharrell Williams

One day Pharrell woke up and thought, “It’s been a while since I ruled the musical world.” So he hammered out the three biggest songs in the world, all within a twelve-month period. All three were unashamed bell-bottomed, backseat-bangin’ disco throwbacks battling each other for space on the dance floor, even though bell-bottomed, backseat-bangin’ disco throwbacks weren’t at all popular until Pharrell made it so. Also, his hat, his skin, etc.

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‘Free’: Rudimental Feat. Emeli Sande & Nas

Is this the first charting single to use the word ‘Pilates’ in its lyrics? There might be a Roy Orbison song that does, but probably not.

‘Brave’: Sara Bareilles

Where are all the pop songs about having realistic expectations, shutting up sometimes, and trusting that fear is our body’s natural response to danger and therefore we shouldn’t try certain things?

‘Geronimo’: Sheppard

The first Australian independent single to reach #1 in close to ten years. It should be on a Milo commercial.

‘Chandelier’: Sia

While South Australia declare a state holiday anytime their sporting teams are going well, Adelaide-born Sia has quietly written most of the big American pop juggernauts of the past few years. Not very footy though, is it?

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‘#SELFIE’: The Chainsmokers

Is it possible to punch yourself in the face hard enough to be knocked unconscious, or do you think there’s something inherent that would stop you from connecting with full force?

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