Culture

Terrifying Clowns Are Appearing All Over The Place And The Police Have Started Issuing Warnings

The clown epidemic has reached our shores.

by Osman Faruqi  7 October 2016

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I’m just going to put it out there: clowns are fucking terrifying. They aren’t funny. They are hideous, monstrous creatures filled with pure evil. And they’re starting to take over the world.

Last month reports emerged of horrifying clowns appearing in the US and “attempting to lure children into the woods”. They’ve been spotted in South Carolina, California, Texas, Illinois and even Canada. They’re appearing all over the place. Parks, woods, on the street and even outside schools.

The clowns have become such a menace, packs of angry college bros are organising themselves into vigilante gangs, united by the simple slogan: “Fuck the clowns.”

Even celebrity DJ Dillon Francis is trying to organise his own anti-clown crew.

It now turns out that the clowns have crossed the Pacific and have started appearing in Australia. Yes, the clown epidemic has reached our shores.

Reports of clowns roaming the streets emerged on social media last night.

CLown 1 Screen Shot 2016-10-07 at 3.34.21 PM

A Facebook group called “Clowns in the Western Suburbs Sydney” appears to be coordinating the clown shenanigans in Sydney. No one knows what the motivation of the clowns is other than scaring the shit out of everyone.

Earlier today the Victorian Police took to Facebook, informing the public that they were aware of the clown sightings. They also promised to investigate reports of “intimidating and threatening” behaviour.


Many concerned community members are asking the police if they can “Take matters into their own hands” when it comes to dealing with the clowns. “If I saw one of these people in the street scaring people or children I’m afraid I would probably give chase, and within restraint, punch them in a place that hurts and tell them ‘grow up,'” one worried parent posted.

Innocent people have already started getting caught in the crossfire. Local punk band Clowns have been copping heat from the anti-clown groups and they’ve taken to social media to try and clear things up.

What is behind the rise of the clowns? Are they borne out of political frustration with the never ending US Presidential election? Are they angry about how bad Zoolander 2 was? Why have they come to Australia?

Unfortunately we don’t have the answer to any of these questions yet. But rest assured, we’re working on it. We’ll get to the bottom of this horrifying clown crusade sooner or later. In the meantime if you see a clown, please don’t approach and if you feel threatened call the police. Together we can beat the clowns.