Greetings Mortal
It is time to prepare yourself for that most ancient, blood-curdling of rituals: final exams.
It’s said that there are 9 Circles of Hell. If so, you can bet your britches exam season is somewhere deep in the inner circle. Studying for final exams is like living with a hex over your head. It’s enough to make you want to scream and run for your life. Or you can follow Sabrina Spellman’s example, and stay cool, calm and clear-headed in the face of darkness.
The Dark Lord wants you to fail, but fear not! This study guide is here to hold your clammy hand every step of the way. Follow our lead, and you’ll survive with your soul intact.
It doesn’t matter whether you’re signing your name in The Book of the Beast or penning an English essay, no ordinary writing implement will do. Choose wisely and make sure your ink well is never dry. (Mortal blood works a treat, but regular variety ink will suffice.)
A strong pot of tea or coffee will settle your nerves and keep your mind focused through every hellish essay. Throw eye of newt in the pot for good luck, if you can stomach it.
Familiars are goblins who have taken on the shape of animals to better serve their witch masters. i.e. Sabrina Spellman’s familiar, Salem, appears in the guise of a cat. Regular pets are nowhere near as cunning but can provide stress relief during your studies.
Laptops and smartphones are a lot like imps. They can be devilishly wicked, but if you can wrangle them, they can work in your favour. Use your devices to help schedule and focus your studies, not detract from them.
Superstitions are real, and you’ll need all the help you can get. Sure, you can stay focused, healthy and work hard, but you’re more likely to succeed with a charm. We hear raven’s claw pendants are in this season. Whatever works for you.
While the witching world takes mortal science with a grain of salt, the research proves the benefits of drinking water while studying does have merit. Beware of energy drinks. They might seem like a quick fix, but over imbibe and you’ll end up pouring sweat while speaking Latin backwards.
FIND A SANCTUM
It doesn’t matter whether you’re studying necromancy or – Satan forbid – accounting, you’re going to need a quiet, dedicated space. Find your sanctum. It could be the woods, a decrepit crypt or your bedroom. Wherever it may be, keep it tidy (bin those body parts) and free of distractions (no banshees). Afterall, cleanliness is next to unholiness.
SCHEDULE LIKE SATAN
The devil is in the details, and the first detail you should focus your attention on is your study schedule. Draw a pentagram – or table – to plan your study times. Stick to your schedule like a curse sticks to the soul of the forsaken.
ASSEMBLE YOUR COVEN
Don’t face the darkness alone. Witches and warlocks draw strength from one another, and mortals are no different. Choose your coven wisely, and agree on a regular time and meeting place. (A blood pact isn’t necessary but can be useful.)
SET GRISLY GOALS
It’s important to have goals. It’s even more important to have realistic ones. For a certain half-witch, that goal is to defeat the Dark Lord. You might want to set something a little more achievable, like going from a C to a B. Set your goals early and hold them close like an ancient talisman.
IMAGINE THE AFTERLIFE
As crazy as it might sound now, one day exams will be dead and buried. Thinking about what wicked fun you’ll have after can be a great source of motivation. For example, you might want to binge-watch a witchy new Netflix series. Hint hint.
KNOW YOUR ENEMY
If you were to face down the Dark Lord, you wouldn’t waltz into his sanctum unprepared. You’d want to have a plan of attack. Exams are no different. Familiarise yourself with the where and when, so that the only thing you have to worry about on the day is crushing it.
Exercise your demons
A midnight stroll through the woods does wonders to clear the head during exams. Don’t just take our word for it – research has shown that 20 minutes of exercise before an exam is more likely to improve performance than any charm. If you need motivation to get moving, summon the undead to pursue you.
Chant incantations
No witch ever cast a spell merely by looking at the words. You have to recite it loud and clear with conviction. There’s no spell for memorisation, but reading out loud has been proven to help increase your chances of remembering things.
Beware of sleep demons
A good night’s sleep is crucial to performing at your best. Sabrina’s Aunt Hilda recommends putting a rabbit’s foot beneath your pillow to help you sleep like the dead. A more animal-friendly (not to mention hygienic) approach is to stick to a regular bedtime, and steer clear of phones and other devices in the lead-up to sleep time.
Demonic mnemonics
Name mnemonics are a wicked way to recall complex information. Here’s how they work: The first letter of each word is used to make the name of a person or thing. For example, the colour spectrum mnemonic is ROY G. BIV (red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet). It’s a great way to remember anything from the 13 Commandments to the periodic table.
Dismember to remember
While you might think studying in large bursts is the way to go, research has proven that working in smaller, more grisly chunks is far more effective. Concentration, comprehension and memory progressively decrease after 45 minutes. A more cunning approach is to take a 15 minute break every 45 minutes.
Hell hath no fury for cheaters
There are two things one shouldn’t dabble with in life: necromancy and cheating in exams. But preparing a cheat sheet for your eyes only is a great way to summarise key points before you go into the exam. It’s only a little bit evil and it might just help you lift your grades.
Summon your inner scholar
There are times when you might think your teachers are out to get you. This is rarely the case, unless of course your teacher has been possessed by an evil spirit. Teachers are there to help, and following their methods can be a handy study technique. Try explaining – or teaching – concepts to a friend or family member. It’ll help solidify your understanding of the task at hand.
On reckoning day
- Receive a protection spell
- Eat a good breakfast
- Bring a bottle of water to stay hydrated
- Arrive early
- Answer the easy questions first
- Cross out mistakes instead of using white out – it’s faster
- Attempt every question
- If there’s time, read over your answers for errors or omissions
- Don’t forget to breathe
- Live to fight another day
RELAX YOUR BONES
The lead up to exams is an intense time. You don’t want to burn out in a ring of hellfire. Take regular breaks and find ways to relax. Run yourself a nice buttermilk bath. Dance naked beneath a pale blood moon. Run screaming from the hounds of Hell. Whatever chills your mortal blood.
Social media is a sin
The Dark Lord’s biggest regret is not inventing social media, a demonic parasite that can turn even the most focused pupil into a braindead fidgeter. Lock your device in a box and cast a binding ritual for an hour or more so you can maintain your study sanity. Failing that, temporarily block offending websites with getcoldturkey.com
Mindful magick
Mindfulness is the mortal ability to be fully present, bringing awareness to where we are and what we’re doing. Mindfulness techniques prevent you from being overly reactive or overwhelmed by what’s going on. Summon your web browser for plenty of resources and find what works best for you.
Cursed cheaters
The Dark Lord revels in trickery, but cheating for mortals has diabolical consequences. In the witching world, transgressions can be punished by blue flame. In your case, your future could end up in limbo. Consider yourself duly warned.
Woebegones be gone
Even the mightiest witches and warlocks have bad days. If the stress starts closing in on you like an iron maiden, do something about it. Talking helps. Talk to your familiar. Or if you don’t have one, a close friend or family member. You can also consult online resources like ReachOut (au.reachout.com) or if things get really bad, call LifeLine on 13 11 14.
Your fate isn’t sealed
As important as your ATAR might be, it’s not the only thing that matters in this life or the next. Academic success is important, but so are your friends, family and health. Do your best, but remember that life will go on – that is, of course, providing the Dark Lord doesn’t take over the mortal realm.