These are completely legitimate predictions for your uni experience this month. No bullshit, just pure 100 per cent organic, cruelty-free wisdom from the universe.

Capricorn

You’ve been putting off your assignments with the adage that ‘Ps get degrees.’ But now you’ve finished binge-watching Riverdale for the fourth time, you have more time to focus on the readings (no, really. Go do them now).

Aquarius

It’s easy to blame your bad marks on your tutor or the retrograde of Jupiter, but it’s really all on you. While you can’t turn your GPA on and off again, you can start actually putting more effort into getting things done.

Pisces

Even though 43 is your lucky number for the month, it’s still no excuse to eat 43 packets of mi goreng a week. Consider eating a smashed avo every once in a while. Your housing budget may hate you, but your fibre intake certainly won’t.

Aries

Honey, you’ve been burning the candle at both ends for a while and it’s starting to show. Before the next full moon, think about having a full 8 hour sleep instead of napping in short bursts.

Taurus

The divine specimen that you’ve been perving on in lectures hasn’t been single since the last new moon. Before you reactivate your Tinder account, try flirting with the cute barista during the upcoming equinox and see where that takes you.

Gemini

It’s easy to view Gemini as being the sign of the twins, but lately it’s been the sign of the two-faced bitch. You’ve been letting your id out and your friends want you to stop talking smack about Sandra’s new boyfriend. No one cares if he goes to TAFE, she loves him for who he is. Call her, apologise, and in the future, keep your subconscious thoughts to yourself.

Cancer

The required reading for this semester is the worst. Who the hell thought that Ulysses and War and Peace were good additions to the booklist? Regardless of whether or not the new moon brings you prosperity, you deserve to buy yourself a good book. Do it, the universe insists you should treat yourself.

Leo

The planetary alignment of Mars and Mercury this month means that you’ll find yourself sitting next to an ornery mature-aged student in your next tutorial. Consider meditating (and drinking a large shot of vodka) after hearing about his opinions on “boat people” for 90 minutes.

Virgo

Even though the cosmos are always in flux, it has never been cool to skip lectures to play League of Legends or Minecraft in the computer lab (nor will it ever be). As Virgo represents a celestial virgin, it is only a matter of time before this becomes your eternal destiny. Play at home, go to the Economics class.

Libra

You’re feeling bad because you spilled your coffee on the way to class the other day and everyone laughed. The pain is understandable. But good things are coming. There’s a card in your wallet that says you can claim a free coffee. It’s your spiritual destiny.

Scorpio

If you’re wondering why you haven’t made friends with the people in your classes, it’s not because they’re plebs, it’s because all you can talk about is your gap year in Thailand. Your dominant personality traits may need to take a backseat and you might want to listen for a while.

Sagittarius

A poor grade on an assignment foretells that you’ll be spending the rest of the month in the uni bar. Beware a tall dark stranger that suggests that you do tequila shots.

(Lead image: That’s So Raven/Disney)