Shoot, Smoke, And Bubblers Filled With Coke: A Mostly Irreverent Guide To Australia’s Minor Parties

For anyone planning on voting for either of the major parties, this election is looking like a foregone conclusion: Labor is set to lose, and will probably lose badly (unless they don’t, in which case we predict Labor will win).

But just because we know the likely result, that doesn’t mean the election fun is over. Wacky political parties abound, and because your vote may actually go to these people — either by letting preference deals do the rest by voting above the line, or by numbering every box below it — you really should know who some of them are.

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PARTIES THAT HATE STUFF

Australian Protectionist Party

What they hate: Non-white immigration
What they say: “Australia’s people need protecting by implementing a zero-net immigration policy (on a ‘one in, one out’ basis), for immigration to be sourced primarily from traditional sources (such as Europe and Britain), and to enable a homogeneous society.”

The APP is one of those political parties which is absolutely, definitely not racist — they just want to ensure that our immigration program is targeted toward people who come from “culturally similar populations”. Which I think is code for “white”, but still: absolutely, definitely not racist. I think.

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Christian Democratic Party (Fred Nile Group)

What they hate: Almost everyone except God, it seems
What they say: “CDP is opposed to laws that prevent or hinder anyone from living peaceably in accordance with his religious beliefs (for instance, anti-discrimination laws should not be used to force a Christian into renting accommodation to a homosexual couple).”

Just who is the charming Fred Nile? Why, he is the gentle Christian soul who suggested homosexual couples call their unions ‘Homiage’, or ‘Lesiage’, and called on the government to ban the burqa. The party he formed in his name wants to ban abortion, ban safe sex teaching in favour of abstinence, and force a moratorium on Muslim immigration.

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The No Carbon Tax Climate Sceptics Party

What they hate: Science and facts
What they say: “Recently the Climate Sceptics compiled a list of scientific papers as evidence against the carbon tax for the new taxes senate committee. These papers show why the science overwhelmingly demonstrates man made global warming is not a threat to the planet.”

The name says it all, really. But these guys aren’t cranks or anything — in fact, they’ve discovered that scientists themselves don’t believe in climate change! If only scientists knew what scientists know about climate change…

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The Outdoor Recreation Party (Stop The Greens)

What they hate: Gun laws
What they say: “The Outdoor Recreation Party is committed to individual freedom and reduced government intrusion. The party advocates: repeal unjust and illogical gun laws, hunting feral animals in national parks, no licence to hunt deer on private land, deregulate airsoft and paintball.”

The Outdoor Recreation Party may sound quite benign, kind of like a ‘Better Homes And Gardens Party’ or a ‘Picnic And Frisbee-ing Party’, but their main policies include repealing gun laws, deregulating paintball, and keeping native animals as pets. Though the idea of shooting someone and feeding them to my pet dingo is appealing, I am concerned about paintball-related crime.

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Non-Custodial Parents Party (Equal Parenting)

What they hate: Single mothers
What they say: “Fathers4equality: Sick of being discriminated against simply for being Male?”

Yes. I AM sick of being discriminated against simply for being male, thanks for asking. The party claims they are not just a bunch of bitter dads and that they stand for the rights of all parents, but they also seem closely affiliated to the group Fathers4equality, who — judging from some of the news stories they’ve recently posted on their blog — seem somewhat distrustful of women: ‘Lesbian Murders Man to Be With His Wife‘, ‘Single Mother Families a Risk to Children: New Research‘, ‘Dad Sought Help Before Wife Killed Son‘.

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The Building Australia Party

What they hate: The ABC
What they say: “Did you know the ABC is funded by the Australian tax payer?”

IZIT? DAFUQ?!

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PARTIES THAT ARE DEDICATED TO IDEAS THAT WILL PROBABLY NEVER, EVER HAPPEN

Australian Smokers’ Rights Party

What they want: To drop taxes on ciggies
What they say: “Our policies: Stopping constant increases in cigarette taxes and, over time, reducing them to more reasonable levels.”

It’s hard for the government to increase taxes on anyone these days due to the howls of outrage that tax rises inevitably produce. There is one group of people, though, that we can easily pick on: smokers. Their habit is disgusting, addictive, bad for our health, costs the budget, kills them too soon, they’re preyed upon by evil corporations, please think of the kids, smoking is bad… But: they’re a damn good source of revenue!

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Bullet Train For Australia Party

What they want: Bullet trains
What they say: “Here at the Bullet Train Party, we are proudly focused on one (very big) single issue. We don’t stray into discussions about other policy areas. It’s just not our bag.”

According to a report released by the government this year, BULLET TRAINS ARE EFFING EXPENSIVE (approximately $114 billion worth of expensive). You could spend half that amount, and come pretty close to fixing congestion problems in each of the capital cities in a much shorter time frame.

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Senator Online (Internet Voting Bills/Issues)

What they want: To turn parliament into The Voice, pretty much.
What they say: “Everyone on the AEC Electoral Roll will be able to vote on any — or every — new law, or changes to existing laws in Australia, FOR FREE, online.”

Now this is genuinely terrifying. Senator Online proposes to let people vote on bills and policies online; once there is a clear majority (70%), that becomes their policy. The internet is dangerous enough, what with online shopping and porn — must we entrust democracy to it as well?

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Future Party Australia

What they want: A “future city”, more nerds.
What they say: “The Future Party are technophiles who believe that the economy should be directed to maximise technological development and adoption where it is advantageous and safe to do so. The Future Party aims to make Australia an advanced, technologically superior country.”

A key platform of the Future Party is the development of a high density, high tech city between Sydney and Canberra, which will hold five million people and be accessible via tunnels designed for high-speed driverless taxis.

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Stable Population Party

What they want: Less immigration.
What they say: “Population is not a single issue, it is the everything issue. We won’t resolve any of Australia’s major problems until we first resolve the everything issue.”

So you face a traffic jam every morning, the bus and the train is packed, housing is expensive. Here’s the thing: immigration has very little to do with that (and asylum seekers, even less). If it weren’t for immigration, we would have slipped into a recession during the GFC. More people coming to Australia means more economic activity, which equals greater GDP growth — and before you ague with me, look at our real incomes: rising. This is the basic equation that compels both sides of politics to remain committed to high net immigration; neither side of politics, despite occasional, xenophobic winks and nudges to the electorate, will ever support a significant drop in immigration. So these guys are fighting a bit of a losing battle.

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PARTIES THAT JUST LOVE THINGS

Rise Up Australia Party

What they love: “The indigenous people”, in a completely non-patronising way
What they say: “When dealing with the indigenous groups we must see that physical needs, homes, money and other compensations are not the best solution for spiritual peoples. We aim to love the indigenous people and meet them at a spiritual level. We recognise the aboriginal people as the first people of the land. We encourage them to accept our governmental apology and move forward as we work together towards equality, harmony and fairness for all Australians.”

Hey, did you hear that Aboriginal groups? Finally, a party that understands that you don’t want to be compensated for having your land stolen, because you’re so spiritual. Now accept our apology and move forward, please.

Also, they have a song! Good thing Labor are preferencing these guys at the election, eh?

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Animal Justice Party

What they love: Animals
What they say: “The AJP will offer a fresh and enlightened approach to dingoes (Canis sp. dingo) by designing policies and regulations that respect them for their intrinsic worth, help fulfil their needs and protect them as a unique wildlife species.”

Dingoes’ needs? I wish I knew what they were.

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Voluntary Euthanasia Party

What they love: Voluntary Euthanasia
What they say: “Like 85% of all Australians, we support the provision of medical procedures for the painless, assisted death of patients of a terminal or incurable illness, who are enduring unbearable suffering and who have expressed a desire for the procedures within appropriate legal safeguards.”

Various polls claim that many Australians support voluntary euthanasia, but it is unlikely to come up as an issue in the next Senate term. There’s no broad support for it in the major parties, so it’d likely fail if introduced as a private members bill — that’s assuming all parliamentarians were given a conscious issue. What isn’t clear with this party is how they would vote on other policies. None are listed on their website.

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Shooters And Fishers Party

What they love: Shooting animals
What they say: “There is enormous potential to capitalise on Australia’s abundant hunting and fishing opportunities.”

That policy statement, in case you were wondering, was filed under “hunting and fishing tourism”. These guys know how important tourism is to the economy (it’s one of our biggest export industries), and, in order to market Australia to the world, want to capitalise on our unique marsupials, abundant sea life, and beautiful landscapes… by encouraging people to KILL THEM.

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Australian Motoring Enthusiast Party

What they love: Cars
What they say: “The Australian Motoring Enthusiast Party membership is made up of a very diverse range of average Australian families, united around a passion for Motoring Enthusiast pursuits.”

Since I don’t own a car, I also don’t engage in “Motoring Enthusiast pursuits”, but I’d seriously consider voting for this mob if they outlawed “My Family“, “Playboy”, “Fuck off, we’re full”, “Magic happens” and “Mum’s taxi” stickers.

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Help End Marijuana Prohibition (HEMP) Party

What they love: The gunja
What they say: “The only way to reduce the ever-thickening blanket of CO2 warming the Earth is to grow more plants to absorb it.”

See, this party isn’t just about getting stoned; it has environmental credentials, too.

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Coke In The Bubblers Party

What they love: How easy it is to register a political party.
What they say: “Every year, in primary schools across the country, students are elected to leadership positions on the promise of putting Coke in the Bubblers. Unfortunately, it feels like our political leaders are trapped in a system that still forces them to promise short and sell long.”

It’s great that people want to get involved with democracy and stuff, but maybe things have become a bit silly over here. The ABC’s brain, Antony Green, certainly thinks so.

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Callum Denness is Melbourne-based freelance writer who makes films, takes photos and watches television. You can tweet him here.