A Deep Dive Into Richie’s Fantastically Puzzling First Promo For ‘The Bachelor’

It’s just a fact that the upcoming season of The Bachelor will objectively be the best season of all time. This is because 2016’s Bachelor is Richie, a man who was so beloved after appearing on The Bachelorette, that no one even makes fun of him for saying things like “cool bananas!” and “I am a nervous Nelly!”.

He is the Bachelor that Australia needs. He is the Bachelor we have been waiting for.

Now Channel Ten has briefly lifted their veil of secrecy and delivered the first promo for Richie’s season. To say that it’s the most fantastic thing you’ll see today may be one of those annoyingly hyperbolic internet proclamations — oh no wait, it is actually the best thing you’ll see today, my mistake.

Wowser. If you’re thinking: ‘Man that is actually too much for my brain to digest, can someone please explain this too me?’ then don’t worry, I think people had the same thought the first time they saw the Mona Lisa too. I can’t explain the Mona Lisa but I can explain this promo, follow me:

Remember Richie? You do, here is the small of his chest which we see before his face because Richie has a very distinctive chest and also, maybe they started filming before he had put on his shirt and then he was like, “Oh, better put on my shirt!” Classic Richie, he’s never ready on time.

He’s ready now.

The trailer reminds us of the way the nation fell in love with Richie, but in case you’ve forgotten (constant social media use causes you to have sporadic blackouts etc) they have him pretend to be James Bond with a rose instead of a gun and then he breakdances.

Richie’s laugh echoes in the background (he is not laughing on screen, this laugh was added post-shoot) like a siren song that is meant to lure all manner of heterosexual women to put on a sparkly dress from Bardot (side note: where do fancy dresses come from?) and compete to win his heart. Richie explains that he is but a “guy on an oil rig” and it’s hard to find love there, because life isn’t always like Armageddon (but it mostly IS like Armageddon).

Osher suddenly rides in on a wave and is like, “Are you scared?” and yes, Richie is very nervous.

A song starts playing, which I’m guessing is called ‘This Woman Is My Destiny’. Many beautiful, thin, white woman file out and kiss Richie on the cheek and he smiles nice smiles and it seems like he will definitely find love, yessir. “This woman is my destiny,” Richie thinks to himself.

Now we are in a cartoon version of the world, in which Richie rides a motorbike that leaves a trail of petals, which seems super dangerous. It’s also raining petals. Richie wears a bow-tie under his motorcycle jacket, because you never know when you’ll have to wait a table at a mid-range French restaurant on zero notice.

Richie is a thrill seeker who needs someone to share his passion for adventure. Because of this, he tests women by making them sit on a bench that is covered with vines, and suspends this bench over a body of water. If a woman does not want to be elevated on a precarious rig so they may stare at the shore and a crane, she simply cannot keep up with Richie’s thrill-seeking lifestyle.

To prove how competent he is, this promo shows Richie driving several vehicles because everyone knows that women dream of a man who can drive motorcycles, cars, speed boats and helicopters, we all know this. He says that he is not scared of hanging off a helicopter, but he is scared of shadow-y cartoon women, who hide their faces in shadow. Like, same.

But wait, is this person really Richie?

Richie says that he hopes that this time he will find the right girl for him. When you don’t win The Bachelor/Bachelorette, you usually have to sign a lifelong abstinence agreement and forfeit your right to love again and if you break this, Osher throws you into the sea.

Richie dances some more and the voiceover lady asks “Who will Richie fall in love with?” or something and yeah, no idea.

The Bachelor will air sometime (?) this year.