A ‘Neighbours’ Update: Dee Bliss Is The Biggest Bloody Scammer Of All Time

Last week, Dee Bliss came back from the dead. Even by Neighbours standards, her story seemed a bit suss: 14 years ago some woman named Emily pulled her out of the water, but decided it was probably best not to tell police or to take the temporarily brain-damaged Dee to the hospital.

It was that day that Emily became the most fascinating and enigmatic character to ever appear on Australian television, without actually appearing on Australian television.

Well, it turns out that not everyone is buying what Dee Bliss is selling. If you watched the episode last week, you might remember that there’s a very dull cop called Mark on Ramsay Street who is all, “Ah, you probably should tell the cops that you’re not dead?”

Mark is such a wet blanket.

Anyway, Mark made Dee do a DNA test sometime during the last week but is still skulking around her motel room looking for ‘clues’ or whatever. “I think there’s a stranger in Dee’s room!! Let’s break in!!” he says to his reluctant partner and apparently, owner of motels, Steph Scully.

Steph Scully is so mad that Mark would even SUGGEST that someone was in Dee’s room, how DARE he insinuate that she doesn’t know exactly what is happening at ALL TIMES in her beautiful and safe motel.

“Alright, but only because we’ve had some laptops go missing lately,” says Steph, very casually. Steph Scully: mad about people questioning her motel management style, not that fussed about general laptop thievery.

Dee rocks up and is very concerned that they’re about to enter her motel room. “Dee, I think there’s someone in there!” says Mark. “No! What? No, haha! What?” says Dee. “Aren’t you… worried at all?” says Steph. Then Dee remembers that when someone breaks into your motel room you’re meant to be mad worried, so recalibrates her facial expression and is all, “Oh yes, bit nervous if that is the case actually!!”

Maybe you were expecting to see a room of stolen laptops but what was inside Dee’s room was much more intriguing: there’s a person hiding in there!! “I thought I told you to keep it down,” Dee says to someone in the bathroom, which is a shady thing to say to anyone in a bathroom ever, really.

WHO IS IN THE BATHROOM?

Meanwhile, back at Toadfish Manor, Toadie asks his missus Sonya why Dee isn’t over for lunch. Sonya says she doesn’t know and is a bit exasperated by this whole dead-wife-is-no-longer-dead situation. Sonya is anxious for Dee’s DNA results to come out and asks Toadie what he reckons. Suddenly, Toadie completely flips out.

“Can we just take Dee off the table of topics for one second, please????” says the man who asked why Dee wasn’t in their home literally 30 seconds ago. (Related: does anyone have a day job on Ramsay Street?)

FYI if you’re interested, the b-plot of this episode is about some teens playing dodgeball. All anyone is talking about is this upcoming dodgeball game, which is extremely important for some reason that is never explained. Susan Kennedy is having wines with friends, and even she wants to know what their take on dodgeball is. I don’t know.

In the next scene, some teenagers are playing dodgeball in a room that’s the size of an ambulant toilet.

But dodgeball isn’t the only hot topic in Erinsburgh — Dee’s DeeNA results are back and she is 100 percent Dee, alright! Mark seems very disappointed by this, as does Sonya. Sonya is all, “It’s okay, shit happens” but is obviously not fine. Mark managed to get in contact with Emily (!!!) who also confirmed the whole story.

Dee is all, “OBVIOUSLY they were positive” and pretends to feel bad about the fact that she’s breaking up Sonya and Toadie. Dee just wants Toadie to be happy! “When Toadie is happy, it’s contagious,” Dee says, smiling.

You’ve got that right, Dee.

Dee keeps pretending that she feels this great remorse for putting a strain on every relationship she has come in contact with, and suggests that she should just pack up and go back to Emily’s house. In a move that suggests that Steph Scully is not a terribly good friend, Steph explains that Toadie and Sonya were already on the rocks so who cares. 

Well, I got some news for you Steph Scully: your dopey partner Mark is spending an awful lot of time comforting Mrs. Toadfish aka Sonya, who is lamenting the fact that she quite liked Dee when she was supposed to be dead but now that she’s got a pulse, she hates her guts.

And I got some more news: dopey Mark probably won’t take too kindly to the fact that you kissed a chick called Veronica the other day!! I didn’t see it happen, but I heard you saying it to some sensible blonde character I’ve never seen, who then said, “Steph, why does this always happen to you?” Wait, does it?

Neighbours has gotten good, guys.

On the other side of the street, Susan and another woman are throwing dirt at each other, presumably over reasons to do with dodgeball.

Whatever, we all came here for Dee and Dee did not disappoint. After a beautiful day of spreading discontent, Dee came back to the motel with a very strange item. A telling item. An item that changes everything.

Dee was holding a Dolly magazine.

It turns out that Dee wasn’t just doing some research about what a Pretty Little Liar is, she was getting it for her captive. Toadie walks into Dee’s motel room and is startled to see a gangly teen. “Who the bloody hell is this, Dee?” he says.

“This is Willow*, your daughter,” Dee says serenely.

*”But Willow can’t be Toadie’s daughter,” I hear you say. “She doesn’t even have a sea-themed name!!” Well according to the online resource ‘Wikipedia’: “Willow roots spread widely and are very aggressive in seeking out moisture; for this reason, they can become problematic when planted in residential areas.” Boy, are they.