Mike Wallace Isn’t Homophobic. He’s Just Stupid.

NBA player Jason Collins made headlines today, after coming out in an open letter to Sports Illustrated magazine, and becoming the first openly gay male player in any of the major professional sports.

Twitter lit up with messages of tolerance and acceptance from the likes of Kobe Bryant, Spike Lee’s been Tweeting in support of him all day, and Barack Obama called Collins to congratulate him on his bravery.

So it was only a matter of time before someone stepped in and killed everybody’s buzz.

That person was Miami Dolphins wide-receiver Mike Wallace. You’ve probably heard Wallace’s name: as of today, the guy is the internet’s designated punching bag. After Collins came out, Wallace took to Twitter to express his confusion: “All these beautiful women in the world and guys wanna mess with other guys SMH.” For those not familiar with the terminology, ‘SMH’ means ‘shaking my head’.

He quickly deleted the Tweet, and apologised to all that he had offended, but the damage was done. The Miami Dolphins were quick to condemn his comments. Bloggers, columnists and Tweeters reacted fast and decisively, slamming Wallace for his words.

But as a gay person, I have mixed feelings about this whole thing. Firstly, I’d like to thank the internet and The Miami Dolphins for having my back. Secondly, I’m wondering if we could all just chill for a second, and maybe give Mike Wallace a break?

Taken on face value, his Tweet isn’t hateful or homophobic – it’s just ignorant. The dude just straight-up doesn’t understand gay people.

What is it that he doesn’t understand? Is it the mechanics of gay sex, or the simple matter of same sex attraction? Nobody knows, because nobody thought to ask him. This incident points to an ugly trend on Twitter and other social media – we engage less and less, and point fingers more and more, because blind outrage is easier than critical thinking.

Let’s stop and consider the situation for a minute. Mike Wallace comes from a sporting culture whose first gay player wasn’t out until earlier today. It’s entirely possible that, in his professional capacity, he has never encountered an out gay person. And there are people like Mike Wallace on all levels of society. Shouting at them for their ignorance is fun, but it gets you nothing, besides a bunch of empty platitudes and hashtags, and a social media outrage that’s gone as soon as the next news cycle rolls in.

So, rather than blast Wallace, I’m going to consider his statement, and respond to it with my own open letter.

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Dear Mike Wallace,

A little while ago, you wrote a Tweet that made a lot of people angry. You know the one I mean. You said that you don’t understand why men would want to mess with other men when there are so many beautiful women out there. Well, I’d like to take a moment to explain, because it’s actually pretty simple and straightforward.

You know that feeling that you get when you see Kim Kardashian or Megan Fox? Believe it or not, I get that same thing too, except for me it’s for Tom Hardy and Ryan Gosling.

You know how you really enjoy having sex with women? Well, I get that same thing too, except I really enjoy having sex with other dudes.

I’d also like to thank you for your apology. Lots of people seem to think it was insincere, but I feel like you really meant it. In it, you mentioned that you never said anything was right or wrong, but that you just don’t understand the attraction between dudes and other dudes. Well, it’s pretty simple: you like what you like.

I don’t know if you’re a breast man or a butt man, but I’m a penis man all the way.

I hope this clears things up,

All the best, AD

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Alasdair Duncan is an author, freelance writer and video game-lover who has had work published in Crikey, The Drum, The Brag, Beat, Rip It Up, The Music Network, Rave Magazine, AXN Cult and Star Observer.