Barnaby Joyce vs Tanya Plibersek, And The Rest Of Last Night’s #QandA

For Monday’s return of Q&A – the battle royale of political shouting shows — a panel of big-hitters: Agriculture Minister and and occasional thought-haver Barnaby Joyce; Deputy Opposition Leader and alleged Labor Party sympathiser Tanya Plibersek; token comedian and saucy chap Akmal Saleh; Australian Council of Social Service head and bleeding heart do-gooder Cassandra Goldie; author and noted kids-on-lawn-shouter-at Nick Cater; and veteran journalist and award-winning haircut Ray Martin.

The episode is up on iView now; the live blog/recap is below.

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9.35pm: That intoxicating hi-hat kicks in, and already Cassandra Goldie seems to need a drink of water. What is she hiding?

9.38pm: Tony introduces the panelists. Early indications are that Barnaby is drunk and Nick Cater cuts his own hair. First question is from a young lady who wants to know if Abbott’s claims of ABC bias are justified. Question is very long and includes a quote from someone or other. Young lady needs an editor.

Barnaby says he’s got no problems with the ABC — in fact he grew up listening to it — but he accepts that it is more to the left, while Alan Jones is more to the right. I think he means politically. I think.

9.40pm: Barnaby being quite complimentary about the ABC. Beginning to think someone at the ABC has compromising photos of him.

Tanya Plibersek says that if she was unhappy every time a newspaper had a story in it that she didn’t like, she wouldn’t spend much time being happy. As Opposition Leader, would’ve thought that was true already. Tanya claims it’s just an excuse for Abbott to attack the ABC and also that fish swim, while birds fly.

9.43pm: Akmal stuns all by being a comedian on Q&A who expresses a thoughtful opinion and doesn’t stiltedly recite over-rehearsed one-liners. Rips into Abbott, rips into Murdoch, gets a big clap from communist-dominated audience.

9.45pm: Audience member asks about ABC bias vs News Ltd bias. Tony throws to Nick Cater, still in a life-or-death struggle with his own fringe, who says the issue with the ABC was a matter of accuracy — the national broadcaster having become so inaccurate it was nearing The Australian-type levels of inaccuracy.

9.47pm: Ray Martin wonders what Bob Hawke would think. This is a dangerous rabbit-hole to be going down. Ray looks at Barnaby’s tie. Cassandra Goldie chimes in despite not having been asked to speak. Damn feminism.

9.48pm: Goldie boasting about how much she’s travelled. Elitist.

9.50pm: Barnaby starts making a point about the former Labor government and censorship and News Ltd but sort of forgets what he was going to say and trails off. Tony brings up the Australia Network. Barnaby says “I know you are but what am I?” We cut to a girl in the audience who has stolen some glasses from a person with a much larger face. Barnaby, I’m fairly sure, is falling asleep mid-speech.

9.52pm: Barnaby is talking economics, causing klaxons to go off all over LNP headquarters. He tells Tanya she left Australia in the “most ridiculous economic position”, and I guess he should know. I think he’s trying to say that the government’s promises don’t really count because Labor was so insane, but it’s hard to tell what Barnaby is saying really.

Over to Nick Cater, who wants to take a hard look at the ABC, the pervert.

9.54pm: Ray asks whether it’s unpatriotic to write stories about crooked police officers, or sexual assault in the armed forces, or paedophile priests. He says it’s not, but I bet it is really.

9.55pm: Akmal says Scott Morrison has to take some of the blame for the reporting, for refusing to release information. Shows admirable restraint in not dropping the c word.

Barnaby says there are very good reasons for keeping everything secret. Says it’s important to keep “some kind of integrity at our borders”. I’d say he was wandering from his area of expertise, but it isn’t clear that he has one.

9.57pm: Cassandra Goldie says the public wants confidence that we have good decision-making, but I think electoral results around the country demonstrate that this is pretty untrue.

9.59pm: Question from ferocious widows’ peak in audience about whether the ABC should’ve “let sleeping dogs lie”, regarding the story of spying on Indonesian president. Ray says they should not have. Questioner nods aggressively. He looks ready to punch a hole in a wall with the pure joy of democratic participation.

10pm: Cater thinks the ABC should’ve reported the story, but only after the Guardian had already reported it. He thinks the ABC should be a bit more like The Australian, as it often comes off as a bit rude to nice politicians.

10.01pm: Nick Cater: “You have to report these stories, but you don’t have to be so enthusiastic about it, right? So crass.”

10.02pm: Ray asks whether the Indonesian phone-tapping was a story. Barnaby says questions have to be asked. Barnaby looks like he really wants some warm milk and a blanket to suck on.

10.03pm: Barnaby claims he is “not a spook”. Or maybe he said, “I’m not a spoof”. Either way you’ve got to doubt the veracity of this.

Akmal makes a joke. Barnaby doesn’t really get jokes. Over to Tanya, who thinks it’s very unfortunate and really does look fed up with the whole shambling shower of bastards she’s been forced to share a desk with.

10.05pm: Plibersek: “I’m not going to comment on the intelligence aspects”. Think this might be a subtle dig at Barnaby.

10.06pm: Question from Bryan Dawe impersonator in audience. He suggests the ramifications of the revelations about spying on Indonesia could be a long-term better relationship with Indonesia. Tony takes it as a comment because the discussion it might have triggered would have been far too interesting for his liking. Next question is from a member of popular 1990s indie rock band Sidewinder regarding secrets and the national interest. Barnaby says he doesn’t comment on the former government’s actions: surely that can’t be right?

10.08pm: Barnaby asks questioner whether he would publish a story about his neighbour, no matter what it was. Questioner says yes. Barnaby says, “You’ll find your house burnt down very quickly”. Pretty sure the Minister for Agriculture just threatened a journalism student with arson.

10.09pm: Tanya comes to Barnaby’s aid, drawing distinction between “interesting” and “the public interest”. “For example, if I were having an affair – “.

“You heard it here first!” cries Akmal triumphantly. Everyone laughs, but Tanya will probably burn Akmal’s house down later.

10.11pm: Nick Cater claims we are in the “era of the super-dump”. No interest in your personal problems, Nick.

Cassandra is talking, which is a relief as I was beginning to think she’d left the studio and been replaced with a realistic straw-filled effigy.

10.12pm: “Nick started this conversation,” says Tanya, which is a pretty vile accusation.

10.13pm: Tanya takes a swipe at post-modernists. Way to take on the hard targets, Minister. Anyway now we go to a video question. Questioner, thank God, does not try to be funny. He is a fan of the ABCC, and wants to know what right the police have to police the building industry, but to be honest I think the police are pretty good at policing things. Tanya doesn’t want the ABCC back. Barnaby does want the ABCC back. He wants people to arrive at worksites and not feel like they’re going to be stood over. Surely this is just a matter of how tall you are.

10.15pm: Tanya and Tony are ganging up on Barnaby, pointing out that the ABC’s reporting on building industry corruption is not really reporting from the left; Barnaby stutters, he is out of his depth. “I’m trying to help you mate,” he says, his brain having found the wrong file.

10.16pm: The girl with too-big glasses is asking a very over-enunciated and sarcastic question about why Barnaby is asking for $7 billion to save the agricultural industry, while also rejecting the idea of foreign investment. She finishes her question with a smug, post-coital smile.

“I don’t know where to start with this one,” says Barnaby, and believe me, he means it. “Don’t always believe what you read,” he instructs the questioner, who responds with another question and seems to be in the studio mainly as a final exam in her elocution course.

10.18pm: Tony wants to know what Barnaby told the farmers. Barnaby, who is growing increasingly red, says there is actually a cabinet process, in a stunning insight into the workings of government. We cut to a nodding man. Akmal turns away from Barnaby, wishing he had a book to read. Barnaby is still talking; any thread he may have had a hold of has long snapped off his mental jumper.

10.21pm: As Barnaby dreams of warm dairies and loving cows, Cassandra speaks passionately about how to improve the lot of struggling rural communities. Her passion and desire for real solutions to complex problems is impressive and not very well-suited to this show.

10.23pm: Tony asks Akmal about farmers going to the wall. Akmal says his wife said that Tony Abbott would privatise the sun — ah, there’s the pre-prepared joke. About three people laugh softly in the distance. Akmal says that maybe going vegetarian is the answer. Akmal has completely forgotten what the question was.

10.24pm: Ray is very concerned about the fate of SPC employees. He wants to know why Barnaby thinks farmers are different from General Motors employees. Barnaby seems to be falling back on the tactic of just talking until people leave in disgust, obviating the need to answer the question. Eventually he says that the difference is that farmers are different because they are mums and dads with kids, and they believe it’s an honourable occupation to be in. This is presumably as opposed to auto-workers, who are childless mutants who loathe their jobs.

10.27pm: Tanya goes out on a limb, making the controversial statement that she thinks we should support farmers. She doesn’t understand what Barnaby is proposing, thus aligning herself with 99% of Australians for the duration of Barnaby’s life. Barnaby says he won’t say what he’s proposing because it’s a secret. Tony says Joe Hockey says Exceptional Circumstances grants are still available. Barnaby says they are, but they’re not really. Tony asks if Joe was wrong. Barnaby says Joe is right, it’s just that what he said isn’t true. Tanya still doesn’t understand. Nick, Cassandra and Akmal nip out the back for a smoke.

10.30pm: An angry, wild-eyed man wearing one of Conway Twitty’s old shirts asks vehemently why the government doesn’t offer farmers interest-free loans, emphasising every word with violent hand gestures. Barnaby says he has done pretty great things, but it hasn’t rained. A tweet appears saying the death of regional Australia is nigh. An atmosphere of gloom settles over the studio. Everyone turns to drink.

10.32pm: Hipster up the back asks whether being a great Australian is different to being a great citizen of any other country. Akmal says nobody asks what it means to be a Mexican. Tony tries to be funny but isn’t. Akmal notes that Australia began as a prison and has been completely confused about itself ever since. He thinks it’s sad that we’re not outraged about what’s being done to asylum seekers. The audience claps; apparently they think it’s fine for the Greens to drown people on purpose.

10.34pm: Nick Cater also has views on what it means to be an Australian, God help us.

10.35pm: Ray is troubled by the asylum seeker issue, and the problems of Aborigines. On the other hand, we’re all troubled by the fact that he is two hundred years old and hasn’t changed his appearance since 1980.

10.36pm: The panel is agreed: Australia is just, you know, pretty fantastic. This will be put to a parliamentary vote next week.

10.37pm: Tanya says if there is one quintessentially Australian quality, it is an “attachment to egalitarianism”. This may be the funniest thing anybody has ever said on Q&A.

Cassandra brings the whole mood down by mentioning income inequality, which is a bit unpatriotic of her.

10.38pm: Barnaby tells a series of weird stories about looking out plane windows and having dinner with someone called Pete and I have literally no idea what the hell he’s talking about. Akmal makes a drug joke, and that’s about it.

Next week we’ll be joined by Malcolm Turnbull and the dampened underpants of a million GetUp subscribers. Thanks guys.

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Ben Pobjie is a writer and comedian with a keen interest in television, politics and gratuitous nudity. His work is seen in The Age, New Matilda, the Guardian, the Roar, and myriad other corners. He has written three books and read almost twice that many. His Melbourne Comedy Festival show, Trigger Warning, is on sale now, and he tweets from @benpobjie