Leaked Documents Confirm Apple Will Rule Them All, Building Self-Driving Car

Ever since tech giant Apple went on a hiring spree and employed a whole heap of automotive experts back in February this year, rumours they were developing an electric car seemed to echo the bleeding obvious. Hundreds of recruits — some even poached from current leading electric car player Tesla — have reportedly been working on ‘Project Titan’ (so you know it’s good) for well over a year now, and company employees have come right out and said they are working on something that will “give Tesla a run for its money”. Joining the dots has never been so damn easy.

Nevertheless, actual documents solidifying the blatantly obvious happenings is a welcome step towards confirmation. This morning The Guardian reported they had got their grubby little investigative hands on documents showing Apple’s request to use a test area exclusively reserved for autonomous cars. While scouting for locations in the San Francisco Bay area to presumably have a lot of fun watching a driver-less car smash into things over and over again, Apple engineer Frank Fearon wrote to the facility: “We would … like to get an understanding of timing and availability for the space, and how we would need to coordinate around other parties who would be using [it].” EVERYBODY ACT SURPRISED.

Apple’s very important sounding “Special Project group” team apparently met with officials from GoMentum Station, a former naval base spanning 2,100 acres that has been turned into a high-security testing ground for self-driving vehicles and/or new Bond villains (?). GoMentum is guarded by the military and is “the largest secure test facility in the world”, with Mercedes-Benz and Honda already having had their turn having a lot of fun watching a driver-less car smash into things over and over again.

Apple declined to comment, just as they have in the past with suggestions they’re building an autonomous vehicle. But their statements surrounding cars in general and the future of the company leaves nothing to the imagination. Senior vice-president Jeff Williams recently said cars are “the ultimate mobile device” and that — on a totally ~irrelevant~ note — Apple is “exploring a lot of different markets … [in which] we think we can make a huge amount of difference”, which translates to “matter of fact, I didn’t even give you my coat”.