Junk Explained: What’s Happening With Cricket, Please?

Welcome to our new segment, Junk Explained, where someone explains something in the media that we’ve been avoiding, and does so simply and with merciful speed. First up, CRICKET.

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In ‘Straya, it’s hard to avoid sports news (even if you’re trying), so most of you will have heard that our cricket team is in turmoil. Here’s why.

Following a pair of merciless hidings in the first two Tests in India, four Aussie cricketers were axed from the team ahead of the upcoming third Test in Mohali tomorrow, for not doing their homework. True story.

After being humbled in Hyderabad, coach Micky Arthur ordered each player to submit an essay on their value to the team, strengths and weaknesses etc. Vice-captain Shane Watson, promising tearaway James Pattinson, batsman Usman Khawaja and veteran all-rounder Mitch Johnson, all failed to comply and were summarily dumped from the team.

In an example of how to cop your whack and move on, Pattinson fronted the media for his mea culpa.

In an example of everything that’s wrong with modern day athletes, Watson took his ball and went home. Literally.

He looks like he’s actually running.

Watson says he returned to Australia so he could be present for the birth of his first child (pffft), but in the same breath added he would give his future as a Test batsman some serious consideration. The all-rounder only recently gave up bowling to protect his delicate, injury-prone body, but no one could have predicted his batting would follow so soon.

In the wash up, reports of a rift between captain Michael Clarke and vice-captain Watson have emerged, as have rumours of other, unspecified bad behaviour from Watson and co leading up to homeworkgate. Australia’s high performance manager Pat Howard hinted at the friction between Clarke and Watson, and added that Watson, “acts in the best interests of the team – sometimes”.

The brouhaha has split the cricket world into two camps: those who think Arthur is a condescending micro-manager, and those who think Shane Watson is a wanker.

If there’s a mutiny, it’ll come out in the wash, but until then, Watson’s tanty represents a lone dissenting voice.

Perhaps worst of all is the English media’s smarmy reaction to this debacle. As if the ignominy of being shit on and off the ground isn’t bad enough, Pommy pundits have been basking in our spectacular implosion. To say the English media is giddy with schadenfreude would be to understate matters, although the irony of Andrew Flintoff mouthing off – the same man who “led” England during the great Australian Ashes whitewash of 2006/07 – wont be lost on many.

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Adam Kamien is a sports nut/film buff/renaissance man. He has written for sportal.com.au and covered events such as the Australia Open and the Commonwealth Games, and sparred with film Gods like Mike Leigh, Quentin Tarantino and Judd Apatow.