If You Don’t Eat Carbs, You’re Going To Hell

Yep, that’s right. Not only is your carb-free diet boring all of your friends, but it will swell your joints, give you gout, and also send you to hell.

Thus spoke TV evangelist Pat Robertson, who followed-up a Christian Broadcasting Network news segment on the benefits of low-carb eating with some delightfully unfounded rebuttal. “The carbs are the fire that burn everything completely,” he said nonsensically. “Sooner or later, [a carb-free diet] violates the principles that God set down.” (“REALLY? Did you even READ my book?!” yells an exasperated God from atop his cloudy throne.)

Robertson then went on to link halal food to terrorism, because why offend just one group of people when you can offend all of them at once.

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This seems an apt time to remind you of the last time we heard from this oracle of bullshit: back in August he warned America of the San Francisco gays, who wear razor-studded rings to puncture your skin while shaking hands, as a quick way to infect you with the AIDS.

HE STILL HAS A PROPER JOB AND EVERYTHING!