How To Save This Lose-Lose Election, In Five Easy Steps

Elections are a stressful time for our politicians. For a few months, they’re forced to become political Saint Nicks, rushing around the country to deliver policy gifts to voters before election day.

It’s not heaps of fun for the voters, either; we’re picking the lesser of two evils who are racing to the bottom.

To make things easier on them this time round, I’ve penned a wishlist.

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Five Ways To Make Election 2013 More Enjoyable For Everyone

1. Higher Stakes 

When Julia Gillard declared that the loser of Labor’s June leadership spill must retire from politics, she set a new precedent for political drama in this country. To maintain my attention this election, Kevin Rudd and Tony Abbott have no choice but to declare the 2013 election a ballot to the death.

But these political duels need not end with just Rudd and Abbott — I’d like to see every typical election face risk it all: John Hewson vs. Graham Richardson on Sky News; David Marr vs. Gerard Henderson on Insiders, Andrew Bolt vs. Humanity on his blog.

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2. Bring Back Keating 

For the 2010 campaign launch, the ALP wheeled out former leader and inspiration for telemovies, Bob Hawke, to hug Julia Gillard.

Naww. But it’s been a long time since the ALP has opened their arms to former leader and inspiration for musicals, Paul Keating.

This election is Labor’s chance to change all that. Please, Mr Rudd, give Paul Keating – the Don Rickles of Question Time — some airtime this election. His impromptu smack down of Tony Abbott in 2010 still easily tops any that have come since.

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3. So-Bad-They’re-Good Campaign Ads

The 2013 election is shaping up to be one of the best ever for cringeworthy political advertising. We’re fortunate enough to have three certified-crazies running this year: Pauline Hanson, Clive Palmer and Bob Katter — two of which were mad enough to start their own parties.

Palmer is already leading the charge with these ground-b­reaking advertisements where he somehow manages to speak faster and more unnaturally than the person doing the ‘Authorised by … ’ part.

And Bob Katter seems set to somehow outdo his rhyming advert from the 2010 election with a series of crowd-sourced, line-dancing masterpieces — the first of which was released last Friday.

If the Liberals can go better than that headless chooks campaign and somehow repeat the magic that was their 2010 ‘Stand Up for Real Action’ jingle, then there will hardly be a moment this election where heads across Australia’s lounge rooms won’t be in their hands.

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4. More Opinion Polls

Some experts suggest that opinion polls are ruining democracy but really, they couldn’t be more wrong. Back in the bad old days without opinion polls, Australia would only get one main meal of polls every three years. But now, thanks to Newspoll and Roy Morgan, we have a bi-weekly democracy buffet!

The real tragedy here is that we are limiting the scope of these opinion polls. Two-party preferred polls are only the beginning; I need to know more:

• Are voters satisfied or dissatisfied with the way Kevin Rudd looks in that hardhat and Hi Vis jacket?
• If an election were held today, would voters freak out because the election wasn’t meant to be for a few weeks?
• Who’s leading in the preferred-leader-to-have-a-beer-with stakes?

And while you’re at it, why restrict the use of ‘the worm’ — that glorious beacon of democracy — to debate nights? To be truly informed this election, I require that the worm be continuously running across my ABC News 24 and Sky News coverage.

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5. An Actual Government

Let’s promise to actually pick one of the parties this time, okay Australia? Even if we elect the Palmer United Party, and they end up redirecting the entire 2014 federal budget into Jurassic Park and Titanic 2. It would all be worth it to stop a hung parliament, and the 17-minute-long speeches, tedious revelations of ugly scandals, and opportunities for the Opposition and punditry to talk about anything other than policy that come along with it.

An actual government would be pretty nice this time.

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Evan Williams writes for ABC2’s daily satirical news show The Roast. He has also contributed writing to places like McSweeney’s, Thought Catalog and Crikey.