I don’t know how I avoided watching one of the most popular TV shows on television for six whole years. Was I too busy catching up old series like The X Files and The West Wing? Was I too scared to dip my toe into the very fervent GoT fandom? In any case, fantasy’s never really been my thing. Despite the tidal waves of hype, the ‘winter is coming’ memes, and everyone talking about the series ALL THE TIME, I wasn’t convinced I was missing out on much.

That was before I binge-watched all six seasons on Foxtel, starting from season one, episode one and the longest opening credits sequence in the history of television. Now I’m a convert through and through, picking sides in the battle for the Iron Throne and joining online discussions even though I’m six years late to the party. I’m so ready for winter to come it’s not even funny.

Although deep in the GoT vortex, I remained sentient enough over the past two weeks to take a frenzied review of the show to date. Here’s what Game Of Thrones has done to me. (From here on in it’s all spoilers, so if you’re not up-to-date with GoT catch up on the show before reading any further).

Can You Just Stop Killing The People I Love, Please?

My feelings have been under constant assault, right from season one episode nine when they took Sean Bean’s beautiful smile away from me forever. RIP Sean Bean. Your medieval man-bun game was so strong.

Seriously, though, no one is safe – no character is too important to kill off in the most violent way possible (that guy who got his eyes gouged out by that literal mountain of a guy! WOW). You could be a sweet, pre-pubescent girl or a pregnant woman, a psychotic child king or a strapping, valiant Night’s Watchman with excellent hair (look, I know he comes back to life, but that’s entirely beside the point). You could even be sweet, pure Rickon, who doesn’t quite understand just how beneficial zigzag running can be when being shot at with arrows. Whoever you are and whatever your house, you’re only a sword spike or a cup of poison wine away from being axed.

The internet tells me 196 characters have been killed off in the first six seasons. That’s 32.6 people per season, and a whole lot of fake blood.

“We’ve all ready this story a million times, when a bunch of heroes set out on adventure and it’s the hero and his best friend and his girlfriend and they go through amazing hair-raising adventures and none of them die. The only ones who die are extras,” George R.R. Martin, creator of the Game Of Thrones universe, told writer Joy Ward. “That’s such a cheat. It doesn’t happen that way. They go into battle and their best friend dies or they get horribly wounded. They lose their leg, or death comes at them unexpectedly.” Okay, you monster, I get the point – but what about my heart? If my girl Dany dies in season seven I will throw my television out the window.

Can You Chill On The Incest?

How much incest is too much incest? Just when we’ve copped just about as much Jamie-Cersei bangs as one set of eyes can possibly take, that girl from Skins pops up and tells everyone she’s married to her dad and pregnant with his kid. This is FULL ON and puts my commitment to this show to the test. Why am I even watching this? I’m so uncomfortable. Even Dany’s dragon wannabe brother (AKA the smuggest man on television) cops a highly inappropriate feel of his sister’s side-boob, much to her discomfort. Not cool.

I suppose, in the days before Tinder and Uber, the pool would be limited to who was in your castle. Plus, there seems to be this weird pressure to “keep blood lines pure” in the houses (particularly the Lannister house), which I’m pretty sure is code for “my sister Cersei has really nice hair and I definitely have a thing for her.” But considering this whole dumb fight kind of started when Jamie caught Bran watching him having sex with Cersei at Winterfell (could you not wait till you were home?), and after Joffrey, their “illegitimate” child claimed the Iron throne, the question has to be asked: could you just shag someone who’s not your direct relative? Thanks.

…And On The Questionable Treatment Of Female Characters?

Sansa just cannot cop a break from insufferable sadistic creeps, and it’s getting to the point where George R.R. Martin might be the recipient of a sternly worded letter in the near future. I know it’s fictional, but Sansa’s treatment at the hands of Joffrey and Ramsay, the most hated characters on Game Of Thrones (and possible the whole of TV) is beyond the pale.

Thankfully, the show runners seem to get over this little misogyny problem in season six, with the unveiling of some seriously fierce female characters, and a few triumphs over gross men (read: Joffrey and Ramsay Bolton).

Keep Up The Epic Battle Scenes, Though

Is Game Of Thrones the most violent show on television right now? The ‘Big Four’ battle scenes in this show have completely changed how violence is depicted on a serial TV show, and wouldn’t be out of place in a two hour feature shown on the big screen. Say what you want about Game Of Thrones, but there’s no denying these battles (in particular, The Battle of the Bastards and the Battle for Hardhome) show feats in cinematography, direction and special effects. And blood. Plus, any battle that features actual ice zombies is good enough for me.

The Show We Love To Hate

King Joffrey? Hate him. Ramsay Bolton? HATE him. Cersei is pretty evil, I hate her too. I hate Olly, the little twerp who drove the final dagger into Jon Snow. And I HATE HATE HATE the Lannister men who broke my heart by killing everyone at the Red Wedding (RIP Robb, love you). Is there a show on television that boasts more abhorrent, morally dubious characters than those in Game Of Thrones?

Many of the characters in Game Of Thrones seem to harbour next to no empathy for their fellow humans. Everyone is so brutal to each other all the time, which I guess is the essence of why this show is so endlessly binge-worthy – the audience loves to hate. Even though we love Tyrion, we secretly love seeing Cersei take him down with cruel comments because it’s good TV. Bolton and Joffrey are serious troll beasts from hell, but their awful behavior is the reason why the stakes are so high – it’s why watching Jon Snow beat the shit out of Ramsay Bolton in season six was so cathartic.

What Next?

What can we expect come next week when the seventh penultimate season of the show is released? Winter’s been “coming” for about six years now, so it’s safe to say season seven is going to get real frosty.

With a bit of luck, there’ll be no new, tricky-to-remember names added to the list of characters. I spent seasons one through six not really knowing the names of who was talking/who was being talked about, so I don’t need any more confusion.

I’m hoping for more ice zombies, more brutal death scenes (except Daenerys. If she dies I will start a petition on change.org) and more epic battles, and definitely more dragons.

And we’re all hoping that Sansa will strike back (FYI George, she’s officially done with your shit). We can expect a formidable queen of the North on our hands executing a strict ‘no sadists’ rule in her queendom.

I, for one, can’t wait.

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The struggle for the Iron Throne continues only on Foxtel, where season seven premieres July 17. Try Foxtel for 2 weeks for free – sign up here.