Ever wanted to be inside the world of everyone’s favourite medieval softcore porn show, Game Of Thrones? If you’re at uni, you kind of already are. As long as you replace ale with beer, swords with academic ridicule, and the word “hodor” with “fucking parking inspectors dammit shit!”

It’s Every Man For Himself

If you fall down here, no one’s going to help you up. Whether you’ve been given an involuntary amputation or stranded without a computer in the library, you can expect bystanders to keep right on walking. And so they should.

Ruthlessness is survival, my friend.

Alliances Are Loose And Strictly Temporary

Group assignment? Reclaiming the Riverlands for House Stark? Expect in-fighting, ceaseless suspicion of glory-stealing, and the odd leadership challenge. Personally, I hear The Rains Of Castamere every time I see that contact sheet.

The Language Can Be Incomprehensibly Lofty

Surely, could I not give less than half a groat for the meandering pomposity of yonder professor? Does he not shrivel one’s ears? His vaunted tales of workforce maturation are as nipples on breastplates to me.

You Thought It Was Going To Be Lovely

Oh, my sweet summer child! So you came down from the safety of your parents’ house and expected life in this bustling metropolis to be just dandy, did you? To quote someone’s creepy uncle: “Life is not a song, sweetling.”

Sure, the drinks are cheap, but every courtier hides a dagger in their smile, and every professor a penalty mark.

People Won’t Shut Up About Ominous Deadlines

Do authority figures ever get tired of telling us that “the case study is imperative” or that “winter is coming?” I mean, it all sounds very grim and impressive at first, but eventually you just start tuning it out.

Yeah, yeah. My assessment is one month overdue. The Others march on Westeros. Whatever.

Your Parents Are Horrified At The Amount Of Sex Involved

When it comes to uni, parents love to assume that you’ll be drawn into a world of orgiastic hedonism the likes of which Tyrion himself could not conceive. Then they see good old GoT on your laptop and all their worst fears are confirmed.

But that’s just intergenerational bias. We don’t watch it for the nudity, we watch it for character development and cultural subtext! Right guys?

Right?

Everyone Who’s Read The Books Acts Superior

I swear by Tyrion’s broken bedsprings, in every crowd there’s at least one smartarse who thinks it’s cool to act all big and start waffling on about the history of the Seven Kingdoms or this week’s mandatory tutorial chapters. And then they have the nerve to tell us what will happen next week.

Some of us prefer to be left in suspense. Thanks a lot, arsehole.

You’re Still Waiting For The Cool Shit To Happen

There’s so much foreshadowing and just not a lot else. I mean, everyone keeps talking about “throwing insane parties” and “reclaiming their birthright,” but it seems like most people just sit around and wait for someone else to do it.

Seriously, we’re this far in already and no-one’s done a keg stand? Daenerys is still in Meereen? Just what the hell is this?

It’s Totally Incestuous

Though maybe not quite on the level of Jaime and Cersei Lannister, after the initial awkwardness of the first few tutes, your classmates will begin to notice each other. It starts off civil enough, but all it takes is one pub crawl, and suddenly everyone starts pairing off for the winter break.

Kind of gives gross new meaning to the words of House Stark.

Joel Svensson

Business major, journalism minor and sometime voice-actor, Joel Svensson pretends to be smart at La Trobe University in Melbourne.

(Lead image: Official HBO Game Of Thrones website)