Every year there’s some stuff that happens that seems to take the world by storm, only to fade away into a vague nightmare by the new year. Remember planking? People got seriously hurt in their dedication to planking. Imagine doing a plank now. You’d be laughed out of the parkour party. Remember the ice bucket challenge? Remember… KONY?

I'm gonna find you one of these days Mr. Kony. Mark. My. Words. #Kony2017 pic.twitter.com/VGIp6jipvp

— Ｐａｐａ Ｃｏｎｅ (@PapaCone_) December 6, 2016

Many yearly trends are spearheaded by youth, who tend to be both serially bored and yet to develop the crippling layer of shame that arrives somewhere in your mid-twenties preventing you from doing things that are weird or new. After the youth do a thing for a while, bemused newscasters and talk-show hosts hear about it — usually around six months after it’s basically died out — and it becomes briefly funny again when you watch them expend whatever’s left of their dignity by doing it live on TV, all flushed jowls and rigid hairpieces.

There’s a kind of expectation that someone like me, who writes fairly extensively for a youth-oriented publication would have their finger on the absurd pulse that was 2016’s fads du jour. But here’s a secret: I don’t get the majority of them. I missed them while they were happening, and then never got around to catching up because they were replaying Seinfeld again on Foxtel.

So now with the year gasping out its last rattling breaths, I have decided to revisit 2016’s fads and see if I can make sense of them.

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Dabbing

What I think dabbing is right now:

Dabbing is a thing I’ve definitely seen happen, and have heard referenced in a lot of pop culture. The first time I heard it, I assumed it was drug lingo, so I did that face that you make when someone mentions a drug that you can’t immediately place; a face that says ‘cool, woah’ but also ‘not for me thanks, my drug of choice is my dog’s anti-anxiety medication’. Later on I was able to piece together enough verbal and physical cues to understand that dabbing is when you basically headbutt the interior of your elbow, while throwing your other arm behind you. Why? Well, why anything. I’m going to predict that a football player who is famous did it by accident once while celebrating how far the ball went.

What dabbing actually is:

Ooh. It’s a hip-hop dance move, whose origins are hotly contested, and it’s been floating around since 2014. However, it did take off big in 2016 when a famous football player did it on-air. Looks like my finger is on the pulse! *dabs in celebration*

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Flipping A Water Bottle

What do I know about water bottle flipping:

I have never seen this one in real life, but once I did drop my water bottle and it landed the right way up! Is it possible that after all these years I could finally become popular in high school? As far as I know, people flip their water bottles and hope they land standing up. It’s a nifty trick, and I can imagine it would be quite satisfying. Is it in aid of anything? This is what I’m most hesitant about — is it a fun way to raise awareness for prostate infections? If so, it’s failed for this guy. Wouldn’t it be ironic if it was trying to raise awareness for that island of plastic waste floating in the middle of the ocean? Makes you think.

What water bottle flipping actually is:

Water bottle flipping was invented by some teen in North Carolina who did it at his school talent quest. Here’s the video, it’s actually pretty great:

But there’s nothing else to it. That’s it. It got banned at a lot of schools. I just tried to do it and after about seven tries I remembered that I’m poor and have deadlines, so I gave up.

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The Mannequin Challenge

What I think The Mannequin Challenge is:

A whole bunch of people standing very still. You know what there already is that does this super well? A little place called Madame Toussauds. That’s right dummies, a bunch of wax dummies just beat you at your stupid game. Once again, like with the water bottle flipping thing, a ‘challenge’ implies a purpose. Are we raising money? Or is this just another attempt to distract ourselves from how much the entire world is on fire and ready to explode at any minute? Or is it ~clever~ marketing for Westworld, the show where (spoilers) everybody is robots?

What the Mannequin Challenge Actually is:

Why do I keep searching for meaning in life? Seeking out patterns, connections, reasons to keep moving forward, a greater plan, a higher power. Of course this means nothing — of course this is just another pastime for bored teens. Which is fine! I believe that we were put on this earth to waste time, but I’m starting to disappoint myself. Fun fact: part of the challenge is to have the song ‘Black Beatles ft. Gucci Mane’ by Rae Sremmurd on in the background. I didn’t know that. Now I do. Knowledge is its own reward.

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Chewbacca Mom

What I think Chewbacca Mom is:

I believe it is a woman who has purchased a Chewbacca mask, and her response to it is in some way notable or delightful. I’m going to assume that her children are involved in some way, unless the world has made a weird decision to decide this woman has birthed people from absolutely no prior evidence. This video was EVERYWHERE, but I first became aware of it when people mocked each other for flogging a dead horse and the woman appeared on Ellen and starting selling merchandise or something. It’s important for viral sensations to pipe the heck down after they’ve had their 15,000 retweets of fame.

What is Chewbacca Mom:

FFS, I STILL DON’T GET IT.

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The Alt-Right

What I think the Alt-Right is:

You know how sometimes politics seems like it happens all at once, like you’re just trudging along eating cheese sandwiches and then suddenly Donald Trump is president? Well, that’s kinda what happened with this whole ‘Alt-Right’ thing. This term was being bandied around, and it was just another thing for me to nod along to during political discussions while secretly thinking about elves with swords. So my guess is that the ‘Alt-Right’ is a way to say ‘Nazi’ but in a fancy modern way.

What the Alt-Right ACTUALLY is:

I was completely right. ALT RIGHT.

The fuck is wrong with y'all pic.twitter.com/MAgaVA5P78

— Ira Madison III (@ira) November 21, 2016

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Patrick Lenton is a writer of theatre and fiction. He blogs at The Spontaneity Review and tweets inanity from @patricklenton.