Every Spicy Game Of Thrones-Themed Article You Can Expect During Donald Trump’s Presidency
Much like winter, the takes are a'coming.
Spoilers for Game of Thrones!
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In exciting news, the teaser trailer and premiere date for Game of Thrones seventh season has been released (via melting a giant block of ice, but whatever), meaning we can all look forward to re-entering the gory world of Westeros in July! Unfortunately this is also the first season of Game of Thrones to air during the Trump presidency, which might seem like a non-sequitur, like two completely unrelated things, but I’m here to tell you: it’s not.
This year is the perfect chance for people like me to write terrible spicy takes using Game of Thrones as a handy excuse to talk about Trump. Prepare for a year of extended US politics + GoT analogies from the same people who brought you the extended ‘Trump is Voldemort and the Ministry of Magic has fallen’ metaphors. It’s going to be awful. And much like Winter, it’s a’coming.
“How The 'Game of Thrones' Iceberg Explains Trump’s America”
“What The GoT Ice Watch Gets Right — And Wrong — About White Feminism”
— Margaret Lyons (@margeincharge) March 9, 2017
In order to adequately prepare you for the icy chill of these fiery headlines, I’m going to attempt to predict the worst of the takes.
‘Trump Isn’t Qualified To Lead; But Neither Was Jon Snow’
Sure, Trump isn’t qualified for the presidency, but Jon Snow is like 20 years old and he’s the Commander of the Night’s Watch! Where did he get his qualifications from? Magic Tafe? We should give Trump a chance, because if we stab him to death in the courtyard of Castle Black, he might come back even more powerful than before. Makes you think.
Four more years, four more years.
‘Bernie Would Have Won — Just Like Renly’
Is it any surprise that Democrat candidate Bernie Sanders and candidate for the Iron Throne Renly Baratheon share a lot of similarities in their rise and fall? They’re both champions for LGBTIQ rights, and they were both beaten by a more ‘sensible’ politician, who was unloved by the common people. Furthermore, if Renly hadn’t been murdered by black magic, it’s my belief that he would have won against the Lannisters. I’m not saying Bernie was trounced by sorcery or trickery, but did anyone ever investigate those emails that Hillary leaked?????
‘What Can The Wall Teach Us About Trump’s Wall?’
Was raising The Wall in Westeros an economic decision, such as the justification for Trump’s proposed wall on the Mexican border? Is the danger of the White Walkers actually about illegal labour? Are The Others coming to take jobs? Are there any other jobs in Westeros other than ‘claimant to the throne’ and ‘eunuch?’ Makes you think.
“Made of ice, to keep out zombies.”
12 Quasi-Medieval Ways Donald Trump Could Die
I do not like Trump, much like I did not like Joffrey the Mean Boy King — and Joffrey choked on poison pie! Could you imagine what it would be like if Trump also choked on poison pie? I, for one, would not mourn his passing. I am a straight shooter, who tells the truth. I am only saying what everyone is thinking!
‘Three Heads Of The Dragon: Investigating The Potential Of Trump’s Sons And Daenerys’ Dragons’
In the Game of Thrones universe, Daenerys’ dragons have yet to fulfil their potential — and subsequently they are some of the most hotly-watched characters in the show. There’s even a prophecy about them, which speculates about the exciting projects they might get up to later, such as burning the flesh off the usurpers. In a similar vein, the world watches the Trump boys with great anticipation — perhaps some people will ride them around and use them to destroy their father’s enemies. Let’s hope!
Pictured: Barron Trump, Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump.
Cersei Lannister Is Revealing The True Nature Of A Hillary Clinton Presidency
I’m not saying that there are similarities between leaking a server full of emails and packing the sept full of wildfire, but… those emails, am I right? Plus, they are both women. Need I say more?
I’m Not Saying That Mike Pence Is A Warlock of Qarth But…
Look, I have never seen Mike Pence or a Warlock of Qarth in the same room.
“You can cure homosexuality with electricity!”
When Trump Yelled At Malcolm Turnbull, It Was Like The Red Wedding I Guess
It may seem like a stretch, but its not because never forget that Trump is a bad guy in much the same way that people on a TV show are bad.
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Game of Thrones Season 7 comes out July 16
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Patrick Lenton is a writer and author. He tweets at @patricklenton.