Eight TV Shows That Could Have Been Saved By A Guest Appearance From Kevin Rudd

Unless you’ve been living under a rock/rolling into a ball and crying hysterically whenever anybody mentions politics, you would know that Kevin Rudd has done a Gandalf and is back on the Iron Throne. While Gandalf returned with some swish new duds and a good hairbrushing, Rudd has brought with him some genuine ass-tastic policies with him, including his new hard line against refugees.

Is this the final season for the Labor party, or just a ham-handed premise for a list? In any case, here are eight cherished TV shows that would be drastically improved with a surprise appearance from Krudd.

–

1. Friends

This beloved sitcom about the lives and loves of some trendy inner-city 20-somethings lost a portion of its ineffable appeal by its tenth season, when they reached their mid-30s and had to leave that amazing rent-controlled apartment and move to the suburbs. Never mind. After a successful cameo back in season seven, the audience favourite Kevin Rudd is brought back in season ten, to add a bit of spice to the tired formula. Laugh as he geeks out with Ross, appeals to Phoebe’s youthful sensibilities, navigates Twitter with Chandler and deports Joey’s parents to Papua New Guinea.

–

2. Survivor

It’s just like the regular version of Survivor, except it’s hosted by Kevin Rudd and the only people who can vote are racists in swing electorates, and the only people who are eligible to be voted off are “survivors” from war torn countries. And the only winner is Hoggish Greedly.

–

3. Buffy The Vampire Slayer

Buffy season seven had everything: an evil priest, a battle against an unstoppable evil, a horde of Neanderthal vampires and a strong message of female empowerment. But imagine how amazing it would have been if Rudd turned up and kicked Buffy out of the Scooby Gang and stole her scythe, and it was Ruddy the Vampire Slayer instead. And then he didn’t give all the potential slayers equal rights because some went and died in Manus Detention Centre from malaria, instead of defending the Hellmouth. That would have been cool.

–

4. Battlestar Galactica

Kevin Rudd flies Australia directly into the sun.

–

5. Felicity

In the last season of Felicity she gets an amazing haircut, but Kevin Rudd doesn’t let it into the country.

–

6. Lost

Instead of what actually happened in the last season, where they all found out that God was a polar bear, actually it turns out that the whole thing was the fever dream of a young asylum girl trapped on an poorly facilitated island detention centre, her only means of escape coming when she would dream about a diverse group of affluent Americans/Hobbits trapped on an island. Kevin Rudd is the polar bear, and he is rampaging all over the damn place.

–

7. The X-Files

In the penultimate season of cult hit The X-Files, true believer Agent Mulder left the show, leaving behind what some felt was an unpluggable gap. But imagine Agent Rudd rotating slowly in that gap like a terrifying rotisserie chicken, playing opposite Scully’s scepticism of the supernatural. The show is mostly the same, except that the problem isn’t so much whether he believes in aliens or not; it’s that he bans them from coming to earth and they all have to live on the moon, where there isn’t even, like, air or anything.

–

8. Seachange

Except instead of Diver Dan it’s Spelunking Rudd and also it’s the worst seachange ever and Sigourney Weaver is probably very sad about the state of Australian politics, but I don’t actually know what her politics are, and also I’ve just been told that I mean Sigrid Thornton.

–

Patrick Lenton is a writer of theatre and fiction. He blogs at The Spontaneity Review and edits The Sturgeon General, a new anthology of comedy writing. He tweets inanity from@patricklenton.