Spring is just around the corner, and with all the sunshine and blossoming flowers, you’re probably feeling optimistic AF. Optimistic enough to start believing that a spring fling might actually be worth the effort.

Before you sign up for Tinder and waste your money taking vanilla people out for coffee or trying to strike up some hella awkward post-sex talk, we’re here to save you the trouble.

The Problem With Tinder

Let’s be real, Tinder hardly ever produces people that you’ll be able to stand a conversation with past five minutes.

And don’t be fooled by your mate’s extraordinary tale of Tinder romance – they are the exception.

It’s way more likely that you’ll spend hours swiping left on people who fit in the following categories;

• Gold diggers: Their description says they’re looking for a “sugar daddy/mummy”.
• People who should’ve stayed in school: The spelling errors are ten-fold.
• Underage people: Their profile says “I’m actually 15”.
• People who are specific AF: They’re looking for a “6’2 vegan male with a 10cm thick beard and approximately five tattoos. Must have a dog”.
• People who are cheating on their partners: Usually accompanied by “what happens on Tinder, stays on Tinder”.

Get out of there guys, it’s a jungle out there.

Let’s Talk About Sex

You might have deluded yourself into thinking that a spring fling means that you’re going to have the best sex of your life and lots of it. You reckon it’ll be kind of like that film, Dirty Dancing.

But honestly, sex stuff is totally awkward if you’re not comfortable enough to tell another person what you’re into.

This will probably result in a disappointing and short-lived session and then the awkward, ‘how do I leave/get them to leave’ predicament.

Your time would have been better spent mastering the perfect cheese and dips platter like a true adult.

Think About All The TV You Could Be Watching

Spring is when all the really good American TV series come out. This is prime binging time, everybody.

With the new season of How to Get Away with Murder soon to hit screens, honestly, there’s just way better ways to spend your time.

Instead of creating your own love chaos, you could live vicariously through reality TV romance. Get ready to feel like a love guru, because unlike Dave from Married at First Sight, you’d never leave a goddess like Jess alone in the surf.

Real Talk: You’re More Likely To Get Swooped Than Swoon

The basic math is that you’re more likely to get swooped by one of those terrifying black and white sky monsters (aka magpies) than find a spring fling that’s worth the effort.

A nice little picnic with your temporary partner? Not possible unless you want your skull pecked apart by angry birds. A cute little jog through the park together? You might as well be walking into battle.

If you’re going to risk the hell that is outdoors, now that magpies are here and pissed off, make it count. Head to the dog park.

Much like your year 12 formal, spring flings are totes overrated.

If you’re still feeling idealistic about finding that cute romance on Tinder remember: Rachel, 20, “just wants some free Chipotle out of this” and Natalie, 19, who says “I like your head. It would look fckn fantastic next to the other ones in my freezer.”

(Lead image: 500 Days Of Summer / Facebook)